Shades of Sylvr

Singing Waters

2009-06-15T14:22:00.002-04:00

I wrote 3 mini-entries during my weekend, because I didn't trust myself to wait till I got home to write accurately.

#1
"This weekend, Mom, Grandma and I are at Singing Waters. Mom kept asking me whether or not I was nervous. Finally I answered that I was sumply apprehensive, since she had previously warned me I would see things I've ever seen before. Due to my (and Mom's, and Grandma's) Baptist upbringing, we/I am not much used to seeing much 'excitement' during worship time. Hey, they used to not allow any dancing, so it's lightened up some, hahaha. (Also, I'm writing this while the speaker is.. speaking. Poor form, yes, but I feel that I must write anyway.) Perhaps the most 'abnormal' thing you'd see at my church is someone closing their eyes or raising a hand in worship. I used to think it was silly or strange, but now that I'm older I understand that it's simply and outward expression of the joy and Spirit outpouring that someone is feeling. So far today (this is the first session, Friday afternoon), I have seen the above two, plus a flag waver, the occassional call-out of single words like "glory!" or "amen", handmotions that could be taken for a rather simple and meaningless signlanguage, and a woman doing actual sign-language. I didn't mean to stare, but it was fascinating to watch that one, perhaps because I could understand most of it (if I didn't know the words). These aren't meant to be watched, or anything. I was looking around because I was curious. Sometime later Mom told me that we're basically the only Baptists there. The rest were Pentecostals, and the main difference is a slight but important doctrine issue.

Our group this weekend only has about 40 people, perhaps less. I am bad with those kinds of estimates. But no matter the number, it's a smaller-than-normal group. (EDIT: Later we learned that it was because another group was renting part of the facility for their women's retreat. As they were eating with us and using the same sleeping facilities, they had to reduce our group number.) We managed to get a room to ourselves. 3 single beds. I joke that our room is the most comfortable because on each door there is a room number and a single word, like Hope, Freedom, Gentleness, etc. Ours is Comfort. And the views are amazing. There's also a fair amount of hiking trails that I wish to explore. Bring on the bugspray! Now I'd better tune in and figure out what's being said..."

#2
"'Situation Shower: Code Awkward'

I am not liking the bathroom situation so much. Actually, there's something about the whole living-arrangement. Our room is still great, though as far as I can tell the hallway outside is co-ed. Yes, I hear male voices going into the room across from ours. And the bathroom is too. Shower layout is that there is one semi-translucent red curtain separating the toilet stalls from the showers. Within that there's one shower with a same curtain + liner, and the other with a frosted glass door. The challenging parts were prepping myself for the shower unobserved (even silhouettes are unwelcome), and figuring how I was going to grab my towel post-shower for redressing purposes. For some silly reasion, the towelhooks are too far away from either shower to easily reach, at least not without exposing yourself somehow. And it was only mid-shower that I realized about the co-ed-ness. Soooooo... I hate that people can just walk in. Awkward. I know we're supposed to be 'at home' and comfy, but... that's taking it a bit too far.

Sleeptime!"
(Added: Later I went and saw that it's only the single bathroom that is shared, but the one mentioned is actually somewhat clearly marked 'Ladies'. I refused to use the aforementioned shower again.)

#3
"I cannot explain today's session (Saturday morning). So much so that I am writing again during preaching. I'd been sitting for a few songs, since my feet were hurting, and it got really Spirit-filled. Today, flag-lady had blue flags with white peace doves. At one point she was walking around the room waving a flag over everyone's head. I can't hope to explain reasoning; it just felt like the right thing to do at the moment. I happened to open my eyes just as she was coming by me, and as the flag of peace passed over me I got the most amazing chill. (Seriously, don't expect an explanation.) And the 'course pastors'-I guess a sort of spiritual counselor for the weekend- had been Spirit-led to be with particular people in the group. Just as I was wondering who the woman-counselor was with, I heard a loving--but foreign to me-- voice ask if she could put her arm around me. And she said some wonderful things to me that I will not share. Later she came back to me and her hands were on my shoulder and head. I was so chilled, not with cold mind you, that I could barely feel the hands. In honest fact, it felt like a hat. I believe it was the Holy Spirit. And even when she left me, the tingling chills were still so intense that I wasn't sure she was gone. I had to look around unnoticed for her. And after all that, preacher-man called for anyone who needed physical healing to come to the front. (Edit: I heard woman-counselor beside me praying over someone, and she was praying in tongues, which means she was suddenly speaking a different language. Sure, sounds like nothing, but the odds are that those that can speak in tongues don't know what their words are meaning, it's the Spirit through them.) Physical healing, did someone say? That would be me. Feet, and potentially fractured ribs. And, my feet might be healed at this point, I don't know. They sure feel better a bit, so far. We'll see after session; Mom and Grandma want to talk to preacher-man afterwards, and I'm sure Mom will bring it up."

(Added: They ended up leaving early, so no chance to talk to him. And I was too shy to stay on my own. I truly believe my feet could be healed right then, but they weren't. However, it was becoming easier for me to sit, as I've been having some trouble with ribs more and more lately, so I don't know what happened there. It could be anything.)

---------------------------

The weekend was truly amazing, from re-learning things, hearing new things, experiencing new things. Preacher-man was really good, used all sorts of great illustrations to get points across. My attention was actually held... most of the time. Perhaps my favourite of the stories he told was about his time in... oh I forget the country now, but it was 3rd-world. His host for the stay brought him a new baby, and was told she was born blind. The mother was standing nearby, and she had all the signs of gonhorrea (sp?). Preacher-man tested the baby's sight for himself by moving his finger in front of the baby's face. No movement registered in the eyes; there was just a blank stare. Preacher began to pray over the baby, and after 3-4 minutes she started to wail. Preacher figured she was hungry, but then realized it was high noon. He shielded her eyes, and she stopped crying, for she had just been newly Preainto the sun. He tested her eyes by again moving his finger in front of them, and lo and behold! She could see! Truly a miracle. I can only hope to retain and remember that which I've taken from the weekend, as I settle back into my routine. Something key that I took away was a glimpse of what I'm supposed to do with my life. Just a small glimpse. I want to act on it before I lose courage and perhaps the sight of it.

Preacher-man's website (Guy Chevreau)

Back again..

2009-03-09T00:04:00.002-04:00

Well, not that I was ever truly gone; I found ways around not having the internet. Hooray for haxx! But yes, it's back. Not because I have a 'decent/proper job' (the mail STILL hasn't come through), but because I have a few good reasons for needing it. One is because I find myself increasingly interested in Ella's autism and surrounding disorders--better yet 'differences'-- and while I was talking to her mother last Sunday, I learned of two programs I can take at college that would certify me to be a sort of therapist for these kinds of 'differences'. Another good reason to have my internet access back is for small group notifications. This group is different than the one I was in before, with my old babysitter. That one dissolved and I've since gotten involved with another group from that same church. It was somewhat awkward because
Em & I actually re-met some youth from our previous church...8 years later. Yeap. But we still enjoy it, everyone is pretty friendly.

In other news, we have a tinypig! It might have been last Saturday when I started on a random super-hyper time. I'm pretty sure everyone in the house was horrified/scared/just plain freaked out at me... including me. Em and I were banished to the mall because we were both getting pretty worked up over absolutely nothing at all. Actually, me driving in that state is a very very bad idea. I was laughing so much I almost couldn't see, and my brain was so dysfunctional that it would be the kind of time where I would stop for green lights. It's happened. Anyway, we ended up exploring the petstore and I saw a very sad-looking and lonely adult hamster. I didn't think of it much at the time, just sort of an 'aww that's sad'. Next morning I woke up and almost instantly got it into my head that I would 'save' this poor adult rodent from a lonely end. It was a sudden moment when I told mom my intentions. She was hesitant, but reminded me that 'it was my money, but that does sound sad'. Somehow I had gotten it into my head that it was an adult guinea pig in that store, but upon our (that is, mine and Meg's) arrival, I re-read the label and saw 'adult hamster'. Great. Unfortunately, it had already been in my head long enough and loud enough that I was going to come home with an animal that day that I had to get one anyway. It would have to be a pig of course, but the only ones there were babies, which generally isn't a good idea with older ones such as my two. Despite many warning sirens in my head, and Meg's mouth, telling me not to do it, I went ahead and selected a cute baby. I had already picked out the name before I left, Trumpkin, after who I thought was the badger from the second Narnia movie. Not for any particular reason mind you, I just thought it was cute (matched the colouring of the pig too!) and fit our T-theme. Except Em set me straight that evening, telling me Trumpkin was the dwarf and Trufflehunter was the badger.

See pig here.

The toughest part about bringing baby home was going to be making sure Twinkie and Tribble weren't going to kill her. They're quite old enough to not be used to small quick things running around the cage and stealing their food and their water. In accordance with the petstore employee's advice, we introduced them to each other on unfamiliar territory--the bathroom floor. It went pretty well, baby was skittish and nervous as expected, Tribble (the white ruffly one) met baby first. When Twinkie decided to be social, there was a bit of 'poking' as we call it, which just means Twinkie was trying to demonstrate who's boss (her) by pushing them both around with her pointy nose. Tribble did the same, just not to Twinkie. They were actually fine when I put them in the cage. Meg and I watched them for a good while, making sure there was no excessive pokings. Come nighttime, we put their pigloos in the cage usually, but since we sold Taffy's old igloo some time ago there was no place for baby Trumpkin to sleep, not that 3 igloos would fit in the cage anyway. Em took an old shoebox and cut a hole in one of the sides for a door. It's very cute. Fortunately, Twinkie hasn't tried to weasel her way into it. It's a complicated process, figuring out the order in which to 'bed' the piggies. Gotta put a pigloo over Twinkie first or else she thinks we don't realize she's the Alpha King Pig anymore. Then comes Tribble's (and it seems each pig likes a separate colour), and usually Twink insists on checking both places out for no reason, but since we got baby the two big ones seem to realize that she is smaller and they need to be nicer to her. Cute really. It's actually weird now, how I 'bed' them with a routine like they're actually human babies. Ack! Anyway, the next morning I had to teach the big ones to share food, which was done by.. I forget. but it worked! Now they all get along just fine.

Well, there was my pig-rant. I really don't expect anyone to be interested in reading it, but congrats if you are. Heh.. even now I can see Trumpkin following Trib around the cage, which seems to happen sometimes now. It's like Trib adopted her and is protecting from Mean Old Lady Twinkie.

Small band-news, promise. I'm really enjoying it now, getting to know the other 3rd trumpeters. (I did get to play that other solo again, but I don't know if it's properly 'mine' or not) Anytime I play something special they look over and tell me I did a good job, which is really spirit-boosting. And I don't know if I've already mentioned this, but one rehearsal when I was reading the 1st trumpet part, one of the regular 1st-trumpeters had obviously been listening to me play because he told me "You play beautifully, that kind of thing is not something you can teach." Best compliment ever, especially coming from him because he has beauuuutiful tone and great skill.

Anyway, that's all from me for now, definitely time to get to sleep. Band is tomorrow, after all.

PS I had a moment of utter terror right before writing this, as I realized I left my flash drive in mom & dad's computer from last haxx, all the more because it shows up under my name.....

Spies! They're Everywhere!

2009-02-10T22:32:00.000-05:00

I was totally cheated out of a proper bedtime snack today. I was just about to fix myself a bowl of nommables when I heard something between a hiss and a whisper "Get to bed." In about a quarter of a second I thought two things: "Oh, how nice. Em heard me return home and has come downstairs to tell me something funny" and "Ummmm... Em's not here..." For serious, it sounded just like our beloved Pilfadoodle. So upon realizing that last statement, I could only stare nervously into the next room to see who it was that scared half the life out of me. Of course I saw no one, but I still kept my back to the kitchen counters and carefully returned my unused bowl and crept upstairs--not before smuggling two muffins with me. I haven't been that startled in a long time. And I have no idea who made that noise, or even if it WAS a 'who'. Spy instance #1

Band doesn't usually make me so hungry, I guess it was different today because I felt somewhat hyperfocussed for the last quarter of band. It felt great, hitting all my notes and nailing all my rhythms, especially when my part-mates couldn't! Heh... Actually, I was glad to be back on 3rd. There's something familiar about being the bottom of the sound pyramid. Plus that's where 'they' keep all the 'young'uns', so I feel comfortable playing around them. It is kind of annoying how 'cliquey' those older chaps on the 1st part are. They've all got about 5 solos each, it might be nice if they would offer them to others. Like me. I know, though, I am still considered a newcomer; I can't just expect them to let me be all important just because I think I am personally improving. It was nice being able to socialize with people this time, instead of just listening to the old men complain about how high the notes are.

I've got a full day of babysitting tomorrow (hmm, if Mthyr is teaching in the morning, perhaps I can sneak on and publish my two entries. That's right, two!), I imagine I will be quite tired when I return. At least, I assume it's to be a full day. Arriving for 9:30 means I will probably leave at 3pm at the latest.

Perhaps I can sneak on the computer again (spy instance #2!) to talk to people. It was most lovely to have a few minutes or so with intarnets, and to see people again. Hey, I know it's only been 3 days, but still. Feels long enough to me. And I noticed a random/umb in the tokbox room today... or was it someone I should have known? Because how do randumbs get into tokbox? Anyway... Yes, I wish I had published my entry and sent off that email I need to send before the 'net randomly cut! One second I was talking and typing away, and the next I see an error that I was disconnected! It's like somehow Fthyr has set the computer up to disconnect itself when it detects usage. Is that even possible? It's happened like this lots before, so I'm not worried about being discovered or anything. But it is annoying.... (Spy Instance #3!)

Anyone remember that job I had in the summer with the special needs kids? Well there's a little girl at church, Ella, with mild autism. It's become my job to assist her in Sunday School, just like I did for my job. Even though it causes painful replays of the days' events leading up to the termination of that job, I really enjoy working with Ella. She's very sweet, and I feel a real connection with her. Mom noticed it too, she told me that she notices Ella looking up at me for clues and help when she needs it because she knows I can help her. It's definitely rewarding work, having someone that trusts you like that. I knew I had to do something when I learned of all the trouble (not quite the correct word, I know) that was arising from Ella being in the toddlers' class, just because she couldn't handle the un-structuredness of it. The only problem is that I am the only one who either a)knows what they're doing, or b)has an interest in it, as far as I know. The issue with that is that I am the main 'slide technician', and all of the children's departments are really lacking in workers. So everyone that is on one schedule is also on the others. Soooo we need to get people interested in helping out. I wouldn't mind teaching others about how to work with Ella, but I can't think of anyone who would be able to.

Lastly, footdoctar took my orthotics! Due to my report that I had to cut my morning workout short due to footpain (did you know it was possible to limp on a cross-trainer? Neither did I), he took the right foot's, and is going to send it back to the lab for some 'internal adjustments'. Should be about 2 weeks till I get it back. In the meantime, I am not to wear the other one. It sure feels weird walking and driving without the orthotics. I hope they can figure my feet out soon; most people don't even need to go back for adjustments after the first check-in. Cursèd feet.

And with that cheery thought, I must be off to bed! Goodnight!

C'est Moi, Sans L'Internet...

2009-02-08T22:36:00.000-05:00

The title is true, so I have no idea how I am going to post this. I mean I am COMPLETELY without internet. Mom must have had a bad day or something, because she came home and started yelling. I don't want to remember exactly, but something along the lines of "you never do anything around here, you never look for a job, you don't even help out around the house". It is true, I've been slacker-y lately. It is purely an instance of zero focus (and I know exactly what I was focussing on); forgetting to look at the big picture. I will also freely allow for the label 'selfish'. In my own defense, however, when I am asked to help out with something I'm on it right away. One of Mythr's more specific complaints was that she comes home from wherever and there are still messes. I know that I could be more observant and proactive about them, but she also knows that whenever she throws a list of things to do at me, they always get done. No question. But when I mentioned 'list', she bellowed "I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!!!" Yes folks, full-out bellow. And that is why the internet is off. "Forever". But here's the tricky part: when Fthyr came home, I heard Mythr say something about "Monday to Friday" internet-related to him. So I assumed that it would be actually only be off then. Except today is Sunday, and it wasn't on neither today nor yesterday. So I dunno. I do still have my phone for msn-ing, but that's been randomly cutting out lately, and it wasn't so easy to use in the first place. It also sadly means no more tokbox. Actually, it also means that Project Cook is going to have a difficult time progressing, more specifically my contribution to it of course. (That reminds me, when anyone reading this sees Space Boy, can they tell him about my plight? Much thanks....)

So here I sit with my small rice snack cakes, my laptop, and my music. Oh, and my composer-friendly software. Indeed, now that I am forced off intarnetzing, I am going to have to find something to do with myself. I've had my 'plastic lacing' (aka 'gimp' or 'boondoggle') for a while, but that makes your hands sore from all the pulling and weaving. I've also recently picked up some kind of bakeable modeling clay (Sculpey), because I've always liked pottery. But when my hands get tired of crafting, I need something for my mind. That's where composing comes in. I've been so out of the practice of getting the music out of my head that it might take a while for the skill to return, but I'll do my best.

I think part of the problem is that I feel that employment is 'just around the corner', for no specific reason whatsoever. In all honesty I've not tried any applications except for that one day a few weeks ago (eeek!). I do find that shaming, but I still have this feeling that 'any day now, something will come along'. I almost wish it would leave so that I would feel more of an urgency about the situation, but if it does go all I will feel is stress. I think it comes from the fact that I am not fazed by much, things like almost-car accidents (due to my temporary lack of focus) and other, very quick 'phew-that-was-close' sort of things. This feels like the same thing in my mind. I acknowledge the event and then quickly move on with things. Don't get me wrong, I know how serious things are right now. I'm just so darned laid-back about it though.

My other concern with job-lookings is, of course, my feet. I've been to see the foot-doc again, and this time he put more padding on my orthotic insert, just on the one foot. I had no idea my feet were so uneven, but they both feel equal. I go back to see him on Tuesday, and my report of how my foot feels will determine what happens next. I think my options are a groove in the one foot to accomodate some sort of tendon or another, or a tighter-fitted orthotic. So new plaster casts of my foot/feet will need to be done. And yeah, I'm still fearful of walking for any amount of time longer than maybe 20 mins. Am I unreasonable? I'm just too young for this kind of trouble.

All that aside, I'm still looking forward to Stickens. Nothing like looking forward to 'adventure' to keep one's spirits up. I mean.. I hope I can get to Stickens. Practicality often ruins the fun of my what-ifs.

Peace, my homies. We shall meet again, you who live in my computer.

"Spring? What's that?"

2009-01-26T23:41:00.005-05:00

Title is nothing significant, just noting the ridiculous amounts of snow we still have. None new has fallen in a while, but none of it's melting either. It feels like we'll never see grass again.

I know its been a while since I've written anything (do I say that each time now?), just that nothing's been happening. No house-angst thankfully either. And contrary to what I've been telling most people, I do have something of a job lead. It's just that it's somewhat unusual in my opinion, and I fear I would sound lazy to everybody if I tell everyone what it is. It was an ad in the paper that I got this from. Basically you send away to this company for a Directory of companies that have things that you can do from at home. Things like reading emails, online surveys, stuffing envelopes, assembling various things like crafts... and that's only what I recall from the letter & website. I expect the directory to arrive in a week or two, and I only hope that the companies have an email address I can talk to them through, because I avoid calling anywhere if at all possible. So silly I know.. but.. yea. And this pays pretty nicely too. Well I will see how this turns out.

I've realized recently that my tentative school plans are probably going to interfere with Stickens. Unless the above jobthing is even better than I thought, I don't think I'm going to have the funds for both. I don't want Stickens moved on either the time or location decisions because it is working out so well for most people right now, as far as I know. I guess I will have to make a decision about it, but that's gonna be really hard. ...Actually, school's gonna win out. Except if I don't have enough money for it. *ahem* Excuse my indeciciveness, please. I'm not so good with decisions at this hour. Or any, really. I shall have to work extra hard and get everything planned out so I know what I am up against.

I think I've figured out why I've felt so bummed out lately. It seems that the last week or so, people only talk to me because they need something from me, or want me to help them. Even at home I'm not really spoken to much except for when it's time to clean the kitchen or go groceryshopping or something. (Except for Emmy, actually. What a nice person. We talk lots.) Only time the phone's for me is cause I am asked to go babysitting (or to pick Em or Meg up from wherever). Do I have no value as a person anymore that I am left feeling almost robotic? ...It's no wonder I spend so much time on the computer.

Lately I've been having some flashbacks of some recent horribleness, like failed summerjob(s? I forget now). Makes sleeping difficult.

I

I

I

....anyone else noticing the pattern? Yeah. Everything starts with an 'I'. Dunno if that's normal bloggery behaviour, or it could be an indication that I've been too self-centred. Maybe that's why things haven't been going so well.

On a much-needed positive note, I am super-psyched to finally be recording more lines for Project Cook! I've finally got a new, better quality mic, and I've got nearly half of the current list recorded already! I thought we were gonna be delayed like last time with tech difficulties on my end again, but I figured out the solution when the same problem struck me again: Unplug the Webcam! The internal mic on it was interfering with .. everything, actually. So it's full steam ahead with the recording--and the whole game, as far as I know. Yay!!

I'm going to read myself to sleep now. Em got a neat book about the origins of various words in the English language. I'm that cool. Heh..

Musical Distress

2009-01-13T23:55:00.002-05:00

...On second thought, perhaps the title should have some indication of an 'and' in the middle. Although, if I end up inspired enough, we could end up with Musical: Distress. It could include another Ballad.

Anyway, where to start? This was another terrible day, and I was more scared than I've ever been in my life.

Today was the day I really started jobsearching. I woke up with more of an urge than normal to actually do something productive. Resumés in hand, Mom and I decided to check out the same Youth Employment agency that I went to just before my last job. That was closed, and I think the strife we had in the morning and on the way there finally caused tensions to boil over.

See, to my parents I appear lazy and that I don't want a job and I don't want independence. Rather, it is exactly the opposite; I want nothing more than to be out on my own and with another job. My huge problem is that I just don't know where to start. I want to function just like everyone else; I just need more help than the average person to get there.

We gave up driving around, angry all the while, and finally sitting in my driveway in the van still I got the hugest rant of my life. This is where I got scared. It consisted of being screamed and sworn at, the latter of which NEVER happens. The key part is that I am very close to being kicked out of the house, that can happen a few possible ways. One of those is if Mom comes home at any time and sees me still in my pyjamas. In addition to that, I don't get internet back until I demonstrate some 'serious effort' in looking for a job. [That said, why am I writing this? I don't know, anyone listening?] Perhaps I can manage to post this, I did get 'net on the downstairs for the sole purpose of exploring some employment assistance sites. I tried that, but I was far too shaken to do anything productive. Fortunately Em was around online so I was able to talk to her and tell her what had just happened. She and another friend gave me suggestions and sites to check out, but interestingly enough it was Mom that was the most helpful.

With a great deal of aprehension I scaled Mt Doom (aka My Staircase) to ask her a question and ended back at the computer with a small stack of printouts of individual jobs to apply! Hooray, the site I knew about but couldn't find! I sorted through them and was able to apply right away to 3 through email, which was convenient of them to request. Tomorrow my plan is to figure out a productive route for all the remaining stops so I can apply to the rest. Positive point: a lot of them are non-standing jobs, at least for not the whole time. It's very nice to once again feel I could actually gain some independence through doing something.

Another good thing: I was able to make it to band for the first time in 9ish months. Just a local community band, but I didn't realize how much I missed music. I have a great impression of the group so far, especially since the trumpet section seems to be taking over the entire back row. 9/11 of them present today, only 2 females haha. Most of the band is elderly [so its neat to see the great skill a lot of them have], some are middle-aged, and there are only a few of us young'uns. I got a nice compliment; during the break I was testing my range to see what I could still do after my long break from any sort of playing and I found that I could still hit the Super C (that's 2 ledgers above the treble staff) with very little effort. The guy I was sitting beside asked me what kind of mouthpiece I was using (different sizes aid in hitting higher notes), and I told him it was a standard one. He said he was very impressed with my range and skill. Hooray! Haha but I noticed after that, that he was listening to me for clues as to where we were in the music when none of the 4 of us on the part knew what was happening. No one has ever (randomly) said anything about my range of notes before.

For Thursday evening at midnight I have an invitation. Shady? Yes. Even though it was from Auntie. Actually, it was from Tom. It is an invitation for 'drinks'. I did accept, but I will be rather horrified if Awkboss is also present. I don't know that I would enjoy the time then. ...Auntie would warn me, right? Unless he finds out about it at the last minute...urgh. But then, I am only supposing. It was also nice to know, as per the invite email, that Nena and Tracey asked how I was doing. Yay for being remembered!

Well, that's all. I'm still somewhat scared about my situation but much less so than before. Wish me luck in my jobhunting.....

P.S.: I am sorry, there will be no Ballad unless someone wants to write me one.

Weekend Wonderings

2009-01-12T02:46:00.001-05:00

I don't know what it is, but first nights in a different bed--even if you're returning home-- always find me struggling to fall asleep.

Perhaps, too, it was my relentless hunger, pushing me towards that donut I'd missed out on at dinner. Either way, I had to settle the aching void demanding food and was almost startled by how illuminated the main floor of the house was, even at 2am. It made me wander to the kitchen even more warily than if it was dark, since it was almost as if someone was sitting at my table in secret meeting, forgetting that a family was sleeping right above them. I suppose it was reflections off the snow after all.

This weekend has been a mix of things for me, really. On the whole, I will say it was on the negative side. Sure it had its good points but it's not something I want to repeat again any time soon.

It so happened that just Mom and I would be heading to see the fam for Grandpa's birthday. What we do is sleep at Dad's parents' house, and go from there. We arrived on the Friday, and as I moved my purse-thing and overnight bag up to my room it occurred to me how quiet (for me) being here was going to be. No siblings to enjoy the games with, not even an Em to share the bedroom with. I am not sure when it was just a parent and I here. I don't know that I said a word after dinner, just curled up under the covers in my bed and used my phone for msn.

In the morning we shipped off to Grandma & Grandpa's, where I was pleased to find that Demon Cat had mellowed quite a lot. He's now my favourite, and follows me around. It helped when I had to go to the computer in the basement and I didn't know if the-cat-that-claws was lurking by there, in the crevice where I needed to be. I don't fancy having my ankles torn to bits in your panic, thanks, frightened tiny beast. We were joined by Grandpa's rather long-lost sister and her daughter, and I couldn't say a word the whole meal. Not because they all talked too quickly, but because they spoke of relatives I knew nothing about save for hearing their name a few times (but not knowing the relation).

Also, I think it was also that Em was a popular topic of conversation. Nothing gossipy, it's just spread on both sides of the family about the trouble with her Roomie (who has now completely withdrawn from the University, we think books still in-hand. But that's a story she will have to tell). Don't get me wrong, it's an important and big thing we as an immediate family have to deal with. But I felt kind of ignored; I'm having a rough time of it too what with not being able to stay at one job for more than 5 months (ridiculous how the opportunities came right away and so well-timed too), and all the trouble with my feet and schooling. Don't I matter anymore?

I believe I cried on the way back 'home' in the car to Grannie and Granddad's for the night that day, just out of confusion and alone-ness. As it wasn't nearly time to think about sleeping, I made my retreat to the sub-basement and the SNES. I could hear voices in the TV room just a few steps above me, quiet and serious at some points, I knew that my quick and wordless flight to solitude must be the topic. A short while later I was most surprised at Grannie coming down to sit and talk with me while I plowed through Donkey Kong Country 1. I used to think she was such a strict lady, no friendliness at all, I suppose due to her mannerisms and immaculate condition of the house. But these little chats really are her way of showing love. I think we talked about nearly everything, and me being the poor face-to-face conversationalist that I am was glad to have the TV as a distraction when the current topic fell silent. She didn't seem much approving of my wanting to Learn Things in England, and her main advice seemed to be that I can't think about the past at all but just move on. I think the most meaningful part was the hug later on, and when I was finally packing up everything for the trip home the next morning she came into my room and hugged me again, saying "I know things have been tough for you lately, last year. But things are going to be much better this year, I know you can do it." Such a touchy-feely gesture is most unusual; she is more of a practical helper. Enjoys making food & sharing material gifts is how the two of them are used to showing grandparently love. Feeling their support is very nice.

The drive home was not great, same as the way there. The way there was just annoying for the time delays; took 3.5 hours rather than the normal 2.5ish. The way home I refused to speak after the first hour. I don't know what it was, possibly still resenting feeling ignored and the present rut my life seems to be in. I could not tolerate my mother. I won't say what happened, but after the first hour of hour then into lunch I refused to speak to her and moved as little as possible. I called it my APP (Anger Prevention Plan) because I found that 8 out of 10 times I spoke to her I ended up angry or frustrated or both. The worst is when she does it on purpose.

Maybe thinking about all this is keeping me up, I don't know. But I need to try again to sleep; I may have to play taxi and take Meg to an appointment first thing in the morning. How convenient, being able to drive. Glory be!
...Ugh.

I probably shouldn't have finished that energy drink a few hours ago, either.

Sleep Eludes Me

2008-12-30T02:46:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what it is, between the heavy winds outside, my brain refusing to shut down or what, but here I am still fairly wide-awake at 2 in the morning. Oddly enough, I find I need less and less sleep these days. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am spending my days doing nothing (which bothers me greatly, but I could never convince my parents of that), or maybe it somehow has to do with having my sleep pattern restored to 'normal'. Come to think of it, I got more hours of sleep waking up at 10 or 11 than now-a-days at 8:30 or so. And NO, this does not have to do with being asleep for longer, because I've been (trying to) get to sleep in different time brackets, respectively.

Specific reason aside, it's the idea that I can't get to sleep that is irritating me at present. I wish I could shut down, or even just out, the wind outside. It's not very comforting feeling one's home shake, ya know? It's been so bad around here lately that a traffic light was blown out of the case-thing. I didn't actually see the part left swinging from the post, but the rest of it was sure on the ground, completely smashed and shattered. And I saw it from inside Deccles the Van, which was rocking back and forth rather forcefully. 3 or so days of heavy wind... I hope it doesn't mean a huge snow storm coming. Of course, I know nothing about weather patterns.

Tonight the idea was presented to me that I could have the opportunity to take piano lessons again. I'm still not completely sure whether it's worth it; I don't want to be wasting time, mine and others', and money inevitably. However, I have regretted to some degree not finishing grade 8 (piano), as was my original goal quite a few years ago. The reasons why I felt I had to stop are a bit complicated and I'm feeling too lazy at the moment to think them into words so I shan't. I just wish I knew if enough of the issues and concerns I had previously have been resolved so I could have a chance at this. Ponder, ponder. I do miss playing, oh, but having to sit there and practice was brutal... You see, I could keep typing out the internal arguements, but that's not really going to help me any.

Curses. It's quarter-to-three. I guess I'll try for sleep now. Yaaaaaawn..... Ooh, good sign.

I commend you for making it through the inane ramblings of a temporary insomniac.

It's Like There's A Piece Of Glass In My Soul

2008-12-28T00:02:00.002-05:00

Nothing so morbid (or Emo) as the title might suggest, I am only describing some sort of internal mirror.

After a bit of a bloggy abscence, I've just had some inspiration to write something 'real'. You know, nothing about any sort of job. The inspiration concerns some self-reflection, actually. I don't know how long this entry will be, but as always it feels like there's so much to say in my head because it's all floating around in there all chaotic-like and I can't make heads nor tails of it.

The inspiration suddenly hit me whilst playing a distracted game of Mahjong. Who knew matching tiles could yield such ponderings?

So, as mentioned, it was some self-reflection. I should start from the physical, or rather 'irl', side of things I suppose. For a while now, I guess since job ended, I've felt different. Liberated, I guess one could say, but it's not in the way I thought I would feel. If I had to pick one word to describe the way I am now it would be simple. Unfortunately, it is in the sense, that 'polite' way, of saying 'retarded'. But I have to clarify: I don't feel retarded, just... simple. I don't have a better way to express it. It's like another side of me that has been dying to get out and I've been supressing for years perhaps has finally been able to show itself. I feel less inclined to act how I've been 'trained' to act; it's very easy for me now to allow things like losing focus when someone is talking, unnecessary 'louder-than-normal' talking, occassional (yes Pilfy, I know you're here reading this, and it is occassional) and small 'outbursts' when I don't like something. General distractablility. It could very well have to do with being out of medication, but it really is liberating to let my ADHD 'roam' freely like that. Unfortunately, I know it's having a negative effect on my family. I am not sure of what exactly the effect is, but I know it's negative; I know I wouldn't enjoy having to deal with my own attitude. But I know that as a result I am, in general, happier because I feel free to be what feels natural to me.

I have noticed something else. Usually (formerly?), whenever I become good friends with anyone (especially when it's a male, and I find I only have one really close friend at any time), I am always second-guessing things. Not just our relationship in general, but I would mentally question almost everything that was said to me. Hmmm.. I know he said this literally, but could he have been hinting at This? Maybe? Why did he choose to say it that way? And I would tie
my brain up sorting out something that did not require sorting. Since I've become good friends with this one particular person, I've realized only now that I've not been doing that--well almost, nothing out of the normal necessary disambiguation. I don't know what it is about this person, even though I knew from the beginning (even when I was sure I had destroyed any hope of friendship with my delightful habit of being too inquisitive and curious, which pushes people away) that they are very similar to a friend I've 'adopted' as my brother, but I've just never felt the need to read into what they say like I have with others. And again, it's liberating. To know I have someone that understands me so well, and whom I understand even when words aren't adequately expressing thought is a wonderful thing. I guess I should really be thanking
this person, shouldn't I? Yes, tomorrow.

So I guess in general I feel like a better version of myself. Is it possible to say better but not improved? Really in reference to the first paragraph, but I know I am happier right now than I have been in a long time. I hope it lasts.

LIGHTNINGFASTREFLEXES

2008-12-17T02:24:00.002-05:00

It's true. I have them. I pulled a box from the highest shelf slightly to obtain some of the contents and SUDDENLYOFTHETHINGSCAMEFLYINGTOWARDSMYFACE!!! And just before it hit me I GRABBEDITRIGHTOUTTHEAIR!!! I was proud of myself, what can I say. It was only some decorative towel thing, nothing so thrilling like a box of candles.

A most peculiar thing was mentioned at the startup meeting; I laughed to myself and realized what a pity it was Lisa wasn't there to laugh with me. Someone had this 'original' idea to "bring in some cookies or cakes or whatever next Sunday for second break for everyone to share, just as a year-end celebration no matter what your specific holiday is." Yes. That has never ever been done recently. Great idea, team. Cookie Party copiers. I know, they were jealous. Hee hee.

I gave my voucher to Auntie. Originally I was going to throw it into her Christmas present as a joke, but I apprehended her at the base of the tower with her forklifttruck. It's a good thing I did because I had to be all fancy and sign the thing to officially say I was giving it to her because it had my name on it. Even better that I saw Tom at first break because he told me that transfering it to another person is possible, which Auntie didn't believe me on.

And yes, it is time again to say more good things about Tom. He came to talk to me on break, asked me what floor I was working on today. "Where do you think I am?" "....? BW? He had the balls to keep you on BW on your last day when he knows your legs and feet are so bad???" Then he swore a bit and finished with "...if I was the TL over there... sorry for my language.." I think it's so cool that he cares so much.

The 'he' just above refers to Nathan. He was indeed returned, and thankfully nothing was out of the ordinary. He only said "So I hear you're leaving..." when I handed him my shoe-reimbursement form to sign. We had a brief conversation about it, but not as much as I would have liked because other people had come to ask him important questions. Hopefully on Saturday I will be able to continue, since I haven't (yet) had an exit interview either.

There was a few minutes where I was not impressed with myself. Nothing major, I just figured that with the easier pace and mood I was enjoying as of late there would be no reason to be panicked, for lack of a better word. It was quite silly actually. There was a train with a lot of shorts and within that, unexpected sizes of boxes that had to be grouped together. Basically I had to trade different box sizes with other assignments so that the order would ship correctly. But for the life of me I could not sort out in my head any order to do it in. I think I just stood there a bit spaced for a few minutes trying to sort it all out in my head. Panicpanicpanic, but nothing really to panic about. Mindfreeze? Blankout? ..About boxes? Shutup. Rambling because of tired.

It's true, I am tired. Yay!

I had some more good-byes to deal with today. Goodbye, Nena. It seems so long ago our rather awkward breaks sitting outside eating, how we both started in FullCase one shift after the other. Goodbye, Tom. Thank you for all your help with both RePack and FullCase and for caring about my well-being more than most almost-bosses would. It was you that taught me
how to use the Talkman and answered all my subsequent silly questions about it. Come to think of it, it was also you that first greeted me on my first day of work there. It was nice to get hugs from the both of them, and also sad at the same time. Tracey I will see on Saturday. Ian, who has recently started sitting with us on break, won't be around on Saturday but he ran away from break before I could say anything. He and I chatted for a bit about how a sit-down job would be great because then I wouldn't have to leave. It took a while to come up with one, but then in the loudest voice I have ever heard him use (he is very very very shy and quiet, so 'loud' would be like normal volume) he says "Merge!" Apparently all they have to do is sit around and fix boxjams on the main fast-moving belts when they occur. They also get tricycles with baskets. I do wonder how I might get into that. Hmmmmm.... I guess goodbyes to Donna and Vicky are in order too. Donna has been really sympathetic to my pains the whole time, and Vicky gave me some very helpful hints for BW a while back (as well as letting me hear her awesome Scottish accent).

Have I listed Mom's theories on why my feet & legs hurt? First she tried 'atrophying muscles'. You know, like if you don't use them they shrink? Walking and standing as I do at work is use of my muscles, is it not? Her claim to me not getting enough exercise might be valid, but then why has this only started and worsened now? Actually, I've always had foot trouble, but nothing to this extent (for obvious reasons I think). It's really more the bones that are hurting rather than the muscles. She might try to tell me otherwise, but these are my legs and I would know what I am feeling better than she. So good try, but it's something much different. I wish I knew what it was.

And perhaps the most happy paragraph of all: Rosanna is coming over on Friday! Massage appointment! Hooooooorayyy! We had a really nice conversation about the whole thing. At first figuring out a time and stuff, but she asked about any conditions she should know about. I mentioned scoliosis and it turns out she has a special treatment just for spinal problems, and from there we just kept discussing. She and I had previously spoken about such personal things (so like she already knows about the ADHD and obviously the feet, and some other things), and I feel a sort of connection to her because I think she and I identify with a lot of the same kinds of emotional troubles. I just hope I don't forget that she is coming, though, so I can make room for the table and stuff. That would be awkwrd.

It's nightnight time for Sylvr.

3 down, 1 to go.........

Awk the Most

2008-12-16T02:12:00.002-05:00

If you weren't aware, I use 'awk' very often as a shortform for 'awkward'. I can think of a million catchy ways to begin this entry, but they are all jumbled around in my head. I guess I'll simply say that I'm (miraculously) hurting a lot less right now, so I am in a better mood. That's probably especially good, or I would take the main purpose of this entry with very little good humor.

Patience, patience. I'm getting to it.

I had some goodbyes to do today. At least, I thought I did. I only had one to do since Nena is coming in tomorrow, too. Lisa, on the other hand, isn't. It's strange to me that I very likely won't see any of these people again after this. Saying our 'final goodbyes' was rather sad for both of us, I think, but we exchanged numbers as we had previously discussed, and I was about to walk back to my cart when Lisa beckoned me to come real close, and then.. well.. I guess I had better do my best to quote just what she said to me:

"Nathan likes you." SHOCKANDWTH. Uhhh.....that's the last thing I ever would have guessed. "I've had to keep biting my tongue about it for over a month. He told us as Shawn and I drove him home from the Christmas party. Like 'I have the biggest crush on Christine.' I told him that you're really really shy, and I think your size kind of intimidates her a bit. So you would probably do best to forget about it because it probably wouldn't work. He said he would try..." And there we have it. Isn't that the most awkward thing ever? I corrected her on the size thing, I don't actually see why that would be a problem. And yes, I am terminally shy around most people (talking irl here. I know, I don't [think] I seem that way on Suckam, etc), so I'm glad she explained that. Oh, and there's more: "He's liked you since before Hallowe'en party at my house... he had hoped you were going to be there." I think I am glad she forgot(?) to give me the directions to her house for her personal Christmas party on Saturday... That made us both wonder how long before that has he felt that way? I mean, we've both been 'with' him, as a boss, since we started working there. It's hard to say how long, but... ugh.. don't want to think about that. But I can't help but wonder if 'it' has anything to do with how he is Suddenly coming back to work tomorrow instead of Thursday, what with tomorrow being my last real day. I'm a bit nervous as to if he is going to say anything or not. Did I mention the age gap is a bit weird (in my opinion)? He's 27.

As I said before, I was hurting a lot less today. I think I was in a better mood to begin with, like even before work. I wasn't anticipating the pain as much or something. I was not focussed at all though. I guess I am much happier when I don't feel I need to focus, meds or not. Anyway, it didn't matter much because the conveyor line wouldn't work! It was down for I would say 2 hours straight, with 5 seconds here and there of movement. The strange thing was that the rest of the floors in the tower were working. We were also drowning in shorts again. The cutters (and the drivers too) are slacking so much that someone sent Tom up to yell at them; it was at least 2 cutters chatting away to some cherrypickers that had raised their trucks to that floor. Normally there is some product in the backrack that the cutters just haven't opened and put on the shelf because of overflow, but there wasn't even any of that this time. The wave still was not closed by 12.

I received something today that felt like a taunt, but I am sure it was not meant to be. When I handed in a bundle of shorts, Tom handed me a voucher for $25 in 'teamwear'. Gee, I coulda used that before! Really, I don't know what use I have for it. I could order something anyway, they aren't fashionable by a longshot but they're good for warmth or whatever. My other options are to give it to someone or to split it up between people. I don't really know what to do with it. It might be that 'certificate' I spoke of a few entries back, the one for perfect attendance for the quarter (which I don't think is correct but whatever). I need to decide for tomorrow, though.

Last thing... I have a feeling that I'm made even more of a strange person by having done this, but I couldn't help it!

Yes. It says ORLY. I saw the alias on the label and I had to have it. I was very careful to not ruin the assignment attatched to it, either. I took the liberty of taking this ...opportunity... to demonstrate the parts of the label, as you can see.

And there we have it.

Two down, two to go.

Week The Final

2008-12-15T01:45:00.002-05:00

Another difficult day. This one actually started for me before I woke up! Awkward sleepwalking? Nooooo... But what did happen set the foundation for this most unpleasant day.

**
Interruptive note of apology:
I know I'm depressing to read, I would honestly be surprised if anyone still does check here. I know no one wants to read about doom'n'gloom from anyone, neither do I want to write it at all. But this is just the way it is right now, unfortunately...
**

Anyway, I woke up at 10. On a Sunday. My first thought was *did someone think it would be funny to switch the time on my clock?* My watch gave the same time, and then I was completely at a loss! For anyone who hasn't figured out What's-wrong-with-this-picture, Sunday = church. And we leave at 9 = woken at 8. How much of an oxymoron is it to say I was 'calmly freaking out'? Well too bad what you think, I will say it anyway: I was calmly freaking out at this point. What could have happened that my parents wouldn't wake me up just like they do every single Sunday?

Either way, I needed some breakfast. I wasn't surprised that no one was downstairs, but I was confused that both vehicles were gone from the driveway. I mean, I couldn't see both, but the Car was definitely gone, which means I couldn't have gotten to church if I wanted to. I don't trust myself in the van very much at all.

Still without a clue what had happened, I finished my nomnoms and proceeded to enjoy my morning--well, however much possible that is in such unusual circumstances--by settling comfortably at the kitchen table for a lovely bout of Guild Wars.

I was a bit nervous when I heard the front door open at 12:30... something told me that I was not going to enjoy after all the explanation for the morning.

Apparently Mom tried to wake me up twice!! The first time I simply grunted and pulled the covers over my head. The second time she got no response at all. I can honestly promise that I have absolutely no recollection of these events. I felt no disturbance in my sleeping. The only thing that was different than normal was that I had earplugs. Without earplugs, (I believe I've already mentioned) I am a very light sleeper; all that's needed to wake me up is just to call at me in a normal volumed-voice. Earplugs or not, I don't see how I wasn't sucessfully woken. You might be thinking ah, she stayed up too late. Valid assumption, except I didn't do that. I was a good Sylvr! I even might have gone to sleep earlier than I normally would, I don't remember. I might have even been thinking Yea, good idea for me to sleep now. I have to be well-rested for
tomorrow.

Funny how things sometimes work out, isn't it? [/sarc]

And I was still in a jaunty mood until Mom informed me that 'we' were going to be cleaning my room. I got defensive (can you really blame me?), and I think I yelled because then Mom *and* Dad started on about 'bugs in the room because of the food'. Clever me, I got rid of yesterday's pizza box after I woke up, and the only other such container was from the Chocolate Dip
episode a few days past. Sealed. But it was true, my room did need a good tidy. Honestly, I didn't (still don't) see the point. I can't keep it so nice and neat. I don't even know if for a week. Now that I mention it, I want to keep a tally of it, I guess in here as I write.

I was still more defensive and yelly. I mean, this is just one more way that I get to feel failure-tastic. This being the first day of my last week with this job, I was kinda worried about my 'friends' ' reaction to my leaving. Those stresses plus STILL being nagged to look for a new job, plus feeling pretty upset about everything else that's gone wrong in the past year or so was not a winning combination. The room did get clean, Mom offered to do my laundry (how nice), and when I got back from work it was vacuumed and I think further tidied. I am very thankful, but.... I just can't help but see little point in it. I dispise my inability to Get and Stay Organized.

Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention: My internet is back on a timer. According to Mthyr-dyryst, "The internet shuts off when your father and I go to bed now, because of you missing church for sleep." So basically 9:30 or so. They actually think I was up so late? I think it was the amount
of stress in my head that made me sleep more, if that makes sense. I was too enraged to remember the fact that I didn't stay up later than normal at all. I will have to plead my case another day I suppose.

Crappy mood in ..'hand', I set off for work. Just thinking about my duties there makes my feet start to hurt already. Of course, the shoes don't help a bit, but I think it's logical that having my feet hurting before I start doing anything is a wonderful indicator that something is wrong.

Turns out I didn't have to worry about a reaction from work-folk, either. I got to the place for the RPK Startup Meeting, and Mike says "So, you're leaving us?" Shocked. Tom and Rosanna were the only people I told about it, how did he know? I guess HR tells people. Even at around 11pm I saw Bob, who said "Hey, I heard you're leaving! Congratulations!" (It almost seems like a joke that everyone wants to leave... but it is not.) He knows I have no back-up plan, but was still happy for me. "How do you know about it, too?" "When someone leaves, once HR knows, everyone knows." I don't see how that works, but it's a little uncomfortable in any case. Anyway, back to startup, once Lisa showed up she asked me when my last day was. She said she didn't need HR to tell her, she just 'could tell'. Great. Then Tom asked if he could tell everyone my
'news'. Uh.... most people knowing or not, I still said no. Anyone who doesn't know but wants to can find out from the multitude that are Already In The Know. I don't like to discuss it with many people.

Needless to say, I was already sad. Like, my face appeared sadder than usual. So much so that while I was getting boxes Tom came from the 'desk' right over to me and told me to "smile, because you've only got 4 more days here! And I'm not one of them guys who keeps track of prod(uctivity) and all that!" I mustered a smile somehow, but I was really more said because
of the now-legpain rather than the leaving.

Soon after I started just walking around in the tower, both entire legs were absolutely throbbing in pain. By first break I was ready to sit and never get up again. I can't even begin to describe the feeling it was, along with the joyous knowledge that I still had 5 hours. But by the time second break came around... well... You know when you run super-hot tap water over a finger for a few seconds and the water is so hot it feels cold? That was like in my left leg. It felt almost cold all over, which I've never experienced before. And when I thought about it, my right leg no longer hurt past the once-usual part in the foot. Perhaps it was another of those brain-gives-up-sending-pain-signals-because-they-are-getting-'ignored' times. Strange, isn't it? I was reduced again to moving my feet not much faster or higher than an old lady shuffle for I
would say the entire shift. We still got all the labels done, except for the mountain of shorts. Unpleasant.

Somewhere between the two breaks, I had gone to the desk to hand Tom what was left of the first wave. He said "Hey, you have email? You use it regularly?" How very nice of him, he wants to keep in touch, to see where I end up next and such. He was also trying to communicate a concept to me, but couldn't think of the word. I think it was networking, you know, like
promoting yourself or someone else to other people for things like job opportunities. Another use for email. Tom also said he was really going to miss having me around there, "and not 'cause it's something we say to be polite". I always knew he was nice like that. Too bad Nathan returns on Thursday.

Have I previously mentioned that this is the longest I have managed to stay at any job? For real, December 4th was 4 months. (I'm sure I've already said this, but it entered my mind again.) And of course I end up having to leave for reasons other than the 'usual'. That's what makes this THAT much more frustrating for me. It's 1:42 and my legs are still aching and throbbing. I want some way to numb them so I can get to sleep without hurting.

1 day down, 3 to go. Oh, and Nena is leaving also. She got a better job making things like credit cards. Machinery, but still on her feet unfortunately. She hasn't said anything officially yet, but I suspect she will be out of there by January.

Edit for addition: I couldn't fall asleep because of throbby legs until 3am. Isn't it great?

Numbered Days

2008-12-10T01:15:00.000-05:00

Today was a bittersweet day: I handed in my resignation letter. To that, I am pleased to add that there will be NO more second-guessing myself on this decision. Today was pretty much awful for me physically. My feet were like cement blocks at work even before I did anything, my entire back started to hurt (but it magically subsided to only my lower), lately--only at work--my throat hurts terribly so it's difficult to speak clearly enough for the Talkman, and I had various random aches and pains going. I know it sounds typical for me now but it was worse than normal. Especially with my back. So much so that I considered telling Tom about it, filing an injury report and going home early. ...At least I could walk as quickly as the conveyor belt, right? [/sarc]

My floor-mate for the shift, Rosanna, saw my pained face as I struggled to pick up something off the bottom shelves and asked what was wrong. I explained everything, even that I am leaving the job because it hurts me so much. I remembered that she is an (unlicensed) massage therapist, but fortunately I didn't have to ask her about it because she gave me her number. Unlicensed or not, I know she's good. Last we talked about it, I think she said she's been doing it for 5 or 6 years and she's going to school officially for it coming up September. She said I could call her whenever I am ready and she will bring her special table and aromatherapy stuff over. Yay! And for a great price too. I might give that a try this week sometime, but she wasn't feeling well at all today. I don't want to make her worse or anything. Oh, and she
reminds me a lot of how Elphaba looks, from the cast of Wicked.

What else didn't help me today was that someone had super-loaded the cart I was using today with boxes. You might think that was a good and nice thing to do, but this time was a bit too far. You see, this made it very difficult to move around (the weight of it), I couldn't place it the way I am used to because the mechanisms and such under the belt kept catching on my stack of boxes under my cart and crushing my momentum and sometimes my rib cage. Very frustrating having to stop and start constantly to adjust things, not to mention the stack was placed in the middle of the cart so I couldn't fit other sized boxes there too, which made me slower since I had to hunt for everything all the time.

I realized another thing I will miss with this job: weight loss. Not to say it won't keep happening, but I had someone whom I don't usually speak with tell me that they noticed I am losing weight. Heh, not really what I was consciously trying to do, but heck, it certainly doesn't hurt!

Four days left of work. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Saturday the 20th.

"Our Excellent Upside-Down Adventure" by Pilf

2008-12-09T12:03:00.004-05:00

By now, it is pretty much a given that bad things will happen in SylvandPilfland when the internet disappears. So on this epic day of December 8, 2008, "bad things" did indeed happen. We had been left alone and unattended in a house with nothing to entertain us but a couple of sharpies, imagination, and a bowl of nuts. Given the circumstances, it was only logical what came next. So for your convenience, I provide the following conversation as I remember it, as started by Sylv.

"I'm bored."
"Yeah.""Hey, d'you know what'd be funny?"
"No, what?"
"LOLnuts"
"..What?"
"These nuts in the bowl here. Walnuts are no fun. What if they were LOLnuts?"
"YES! Ummm....what about the filberts? ROFLberts? and LOLmonds?
"Hahaha, yes!"
"Okay, you grab your sharpie, and I'll get mine."
"Fine."

And so the bowl of nuts in our house became more than just a source of food, it became something to laugh at, which eased our boredom for all of about 20 minutes. Of course, a while later it was back to "I'm bored" again. This brings us to the second half of our adventure, and the origin of this entry's title.

Long story short, I ended up on the floor looking at the ceiling and wondering how weird it would be if gravity suddenly inverted itself and the floor became the ceiling, etc etc. (Yes, I am aware of the oddness of this, but a large amount of caffeine while at work and a lack of sleep the night before result in strange thought processes.) Eventually Sylv found a spot on the floor as well, and we spent a good deal of time deliberating over what would actually happen should gravity choose to invert, how the kitchen would become an inescapable deathpit, and the steepest possible angle of slope a person could walk up. Somebody mentioned how this whole thing should be blogged,
just 'cause it can be, and so here I am now, guest blogging for your entertainment.

A final surge of inspriration resulted in this...poem that wasn't based on anything else at all. Nope, no way.

The Day Of No Internet
(Idea stealing and writer's block by Pilf, punctuation correction by Sylv.)

'Twas the day of no int'net and all through the house
Pilf and Sylvr were bored: no Meg, mom or mom's spouse.

The two of them were sprawled on the couches with flair,
Wanting something entertaining to happen there.

The minutes ticked by and nothing had changed
All that sitting was enough to make either deranged.

With Sylvr in her PJs and I following suit,
We still hoped our boredom would take another route.

When suddenly I noticed without much ado
Nuts! In a bowl perfectly sculpted and blue!
An idea, it sprang to my mind in a flash,
The train of our boredom would end with a crash

Quickly I related my thoughts to my Sis
And she agreed that something indeed was amiss,

These nuts in the bowl, something had to be done
And in just a short while, our sense of humour had won

These nuts must bring joy, a bliss that must be steady
So we set out on our task, sharpies held at the ready.

More rapid than Boyd's typing, our acronyms they came,
And we giggled as we wrote on the nuts their new names:
"A LOLnut! Some LOLmonds! Now ROFLberts, let's mix them!
Make faces, draw pictures, use emoticons!" sang Em.
And finishing our work, Sylv arranged them all neatly.
Took some pictures, catalogued the event completely.

And should you wish to see them, although I'm not sure why
Check photobucket, or Stickam, yes give those a try.
Sylv should post them, I'll make sure of that
Who knows? To some they might be worth a good laugh.

SylvEdit: Here are the pictures

Snow and Second-Guessing

2008-12-09T02:26:00.002-05:00

The amount of things I have to post all at once now is getting ridiculous. I think that's 5 posted all at once? I tell myself to not worry about it because they
are all legitimate entries, though. I would like to add that I was truly surprised that Emadoodle agreed to write a guest entry. I enjoyed reading it, I hope you all did too. Anyway, better get on with what I have to say... yeah yeah, I know. 'Again'.

I was kind of disappointed to come home again from work and find I have no Intarnets. Midway through today's LOLnut shenanigans, Mom called. I took the opportunity to ask if she knew why the nets were not accessible and she said she didn't know. But having it happen again, since I know Em would have ensured that it was turned on were it possible, means there is a good reason for it. I realized as I was ready to write this that it could be the rent that is late. From me. By... not a
very long time at all, less than a week to be sure. I have taken care of it for not being able to give it to Mom/Dad this instant, so I hope this 'works'; I can't wait to be rid of these grand ol' Notepad files that are haxxing my screen. Apologies
for the tangent; I think her purpose in calling was to try and convince me to change my mind about quitting "because we have no back-up plan for you". As well as demonstrating that she wasn't listening to the sermon on Sunday, that made it seem
like she doesn't care about how this job is affecting me, or that she doesn't understand the physical pain it causes me. Yes! I know we don't have another plan just yet! But I can not do this job any longer. I wish she would understand.

I wasn't able to write my resignation letter anyway today/yesterday technically, since I don't have a printer! Actually, not entirely true. we *have* one, but my laptop isn't set up to use it. And I can't set it up without being blocked from
the network. I suppose I could secretly print from The Forbidden Computer, or I could take Tom up on his offer. So of course, I went into work empty-handed and explained to Tom about the printer thing. He suggested I could try printing at like the library but if nothing of the sort would work I could handwrite it and he would type it up for me. It's so nice that he is being so helpful. I almost feel bad about leaving. I mean, I do feel bad about it, but sacrifing my feet (more) and my physical and mental wellbeing is definitely not worth it. Generally, everyone is really nice there, like genuinely concerned when something is wrong. Obviously there are those folk who I don't get along with so well, but at the moment there are none that stick out in my mind which means they aren't so bad either. I don't want any of them to hear about my pending departure for a few reasons, but I don't know how to put it into words. Ramble, ramble, ramble. I completely forgot what I was trying to say here. I guess the gist of it is that along with missing the money, I am going to miss the people more than I thought I might. I hate to admit that I was second-guessing myself about giving this job up.

...Except when there is gossip circulating. Like now. It seems that word of Lisa's (now-official, news to me) harassment claim against Wendy has reached at least the ears of most of our department. I found myself on BX (that would be the second
floor of the tower) and right in the middle of a small gossipfest about the aforementioned claim. Mike, Ann and Arlene were not really pleased about Lisa's response to the whole thing, saying it was not necessary, the whole thing was just an accident and Lisa overreacted. I got a bit worried at this point because I knew for sure that Lisa told Mike that I was involved too, not sure about Ann. No one there at that point brought up my part in it, so I was (and still am) concerned that the three of them might think less of me now as a person, like they have started to with Lisa. Simply because people can see she and I take our breaks together and talk to each other and things like that. I continued to be worried until Mike caught up with me a little bit later in the aisle so as to be inconspicuous and we had our own little discussion. He told me he did not mention my involvement with that, and I explained to him why I think the claim was legitimate yet rather rash. I was careful to mention that I was not an eyewitness and can only go by the one side of the story I had heard. I think it helped that I re-told it to Mike, because he seemed more convinced that it was legit then. We cleared up some more minor details, some I shared with him that he was not aware of, I thanked him again for not mentioning me before, and we continued with our tasks. Not 10 seconds later, though, and I saw him talking with Ann again, and every once-in-a-while his eyes would dart over to where I had been working to. I wish I knew if he was telling her what I had just told him but I have absolutely no idea. It's just hard to tell whose on who's side, except I don't think there are really sides to be had. Auntie was right when she warned me that people here loooove gossip, and it spreads really quickly. I can hear it now: "Make sure you know who your friends are." That's the trouble, Mike is the kind of guy everyone likes. He and Lisa are always chatting amicably before Startup, but I observed he was also talking in much the same manner to the other ladies. Confusing. I wish I was not involved.

Despite having immense trouble walking at all before the first hour had passed, I feel I had a very productive day given my conditions and the seemingly skewed wave distribution. What I mean by all that is... we had absolutely NO labels left at 8:45
for my floor. Personally, I had some ridiculous shorts, but there were 0 cutters lurking around so I had no choice but to go upstairs. There were 11 people on BX, and it *still* took right to midnight to start on the new wave. By the end of it all
I felt better than I usually do post-work which was a nice change. Tom hadn't stopped being nicer than normal (I think it is all because I told him I wanted to quit, and he hates to see me go because of the reasons that are forcing me to go), and he gave me sort of a little side hug and told me to please drive safely. Since some punk was sitting in my reserved parking spot-- okay, it's a lie. He was just idling in the 1 of 2 reserved Happy Birthday spaces I expected to be open-- I had to park very crookedly due to the last-minute parking change. Turns out it didn't matter much anyway, as it had obviously been snowing steadily probably the entire shift. I was glad to observe that it wasn't icy snow, so I only had to brush the car off rather than scraaaaaaaaape the ice. It turns out fluffy snow presented more of a problem than I remembered! I cleared my front and back windows nicely and even remembered that snow left on the hood will land on my windshield. What I failed to remember was that snow on the roof will land on my back window! I'm glad I noticed before I got out of the parking lot, but it was still embarassing enough to have to get out again, far away from what now looked like a fun community event because everyone was out with their snow brushes, and get rid of some more snow. I could feel a lot of the cars that passed me on the way out then looking over and probably wondering who the silly person was that 'didn't think the car would need to be brushed off'. Then who should drive past but Tom, who opens his door while still driving away and yells "DRIVE SAFELY PLEASE, HUN!" Ha ha. Thanks for that. Obviously I did make it home okay, except I did manage to accidently set the car alarm off as I got out at home. I figured out how to stop it but I got into the house as quickly as I could right after. I didn't want angry neighbours after me because I woke them up. Panicpanicpanic!

Novel ends here, I am going to try a draft of the letter. Then sleep!

Birthday Explained

2008-12-07T03:07:00.002-05:00

I know, silly me, I wrote 3 entries at once (including the Whale Sighting edit). I recommend reading at least the entry before this just so everything will make sense.

It was definitely a rough morning. I've just been stressed so much lately that I've been unfortunately taking it out on my family. And feeling terribly about both that and not being able to succeed at my job actually does make me cry pretty much
every day. I'm not afraid to admit it; it's the truth. It was just Mom, Meg and I in the car on the way to church this morning and Mom and I were in the most ridiculous arguement. I was pretty much yelling the whole way. Not for no reason though, I know I felt for sure with a terrible passion something, which made me yell. When we got to the parkinglot Meg jumped out and ran off, but I burst into tears and explained to Mom why I have been acting 'this way' the last little while [to clarify, when I am not crying I've been most definitely not smiling at all and rarely talking unless my mind is completely absorbed in something else], and thankfully she completely understood. My only gripe then was that I couldn't pull myself together and stop. Eventually Mom had to leave me to set up her class, and by the time I was able to follow it was not long before I was kidnapped (and there is where the letter comes in). Later I learned that one of the 4 girls in the [half-British] family I have been babysitting for lately made me a birthday card, but they forgot it in the rush of their car trouble. I was surprised because I was very very sure that the 2 oldest ones for sure pretty much did not like me at all anymore because of what happened the last time I was over to watch them. Somehow one remembered to make me a card anyway. I wish I knew who did it. I also got the rest of my pay for the aforementioned previous time, as well as an extra bit for a present. Yay!

After church was my birthday lunch. Is it right to have been feeling gloomy about that, too? I can't remember if I wrote about it here already or was just talking to someone else about it, so it will be explained anyway. I had been informed beforehand that people were coming for it. I'm enough of a loser to have no friends to invite over, so Mom invited some of her friends. I mean, not like it was a couple I had never really met. They've known me since I was a baby and they have remained good friends with my parents. But still, to me it felt like rubbing it in my face that I had no one to have over. It's not really what I mean to convey, I guess it's more just that it was a very painful reminder about it. I know Mom didn't mean for it to feel like that for me. The food was very good, but I was quiet. I can't help it, I had nothing to say. It was sufficient for me to just listen to the others' conversation, as much as I would have liked to have been able to have my own.

And then, off to work! It being my Day and all, I got a parking pass from work. It's good for the week, and I get one of two spots reserved for people with birthdays that week. Yay again! I was nervous about the quitting thing though. It was made worse because I couldn't just 'do' it, I had to ask how because I didn't know which form to use. I decided to bring it up with Tom, since I didn't know who else to ask and I knew he wouldn't randomly mention it to people. He said something about it being best for my legs and feet and such since it's such a bad physical pain, but he will be sorry to see me go. He suggested I talk to HR and see if I could get moved to a different department, but it would still be on my feet. "I know, these f*cking cement floors will kill anyone's feet. It's not nice for you." Heh. Well, turns out I have to write a resignation letter--no standard form. I've never had to do one of those before, I guess it's something to take care of for tomorrow. I hope Mom is around to help me. I wish I didn't need to, though. Tom even suggested other jobs I could look into, so I'll see where that goes. It was strange on second break because he looked quite sad, almost 'out of it'. He even rejected our offer of yummy desserts (the Cookie Party was a delicious success). I hope it's not anything like being worried about losing a person from the department, even if they can't make their quota...

Yes yes, the Cookie Party was great. Behold my hideous-- yet tasty-- contributions!

The purple ones are almondy, and green was minty. They look retarded because the dough was so oily. First time making them by myself! It was neat to have various other people we know come and enjoy a few things with us, too. It was a nice day to share.

I guess that's it, I left out a few of my emotional 'peaks' (like how I started suddenly crying right after the startup meeting. Tom asked if someone here had pissed me off, I could only manage to shake my head no. He said that if I need to go to the (HR) office to discuss something, or to go home, that I could just go. Awesome Tom.), because no one wants to know about those.

Apologies if there is any confusion and/or mixed up verb tenses. I am very tired. And old.

Goodnight.

Dear Leslie

2008-12-07T02:34:00.001-05:00

Dear Leslie,

Thank you for kidnapping me this morning at church. I guess it's Mom I should be thanking, since she sent you out of also teaching Sunday School to go find me. She was right to send you to talk to me because everyone who knows you knows what a gift of comfort and encouragement you are to the hurting. I assume she told you about how the morning turned out for her and I, but even if she didn't I know that you would have enough of an idea anyway. You don't know how much that means to me, having someone who is so willing to listen to me and understands what I am dealing with so well. Sitting in that café with our coffee-drinks just talking-- I mean, me starting to cry anew pretty much every time you said something-- was certainly a new experience for me. It's not often I get out anywhere to just sit like that. Especially while uncontrollably crying. I guess I really needed it.

Besides encouraging me in ways that no one has been able to, you talked with me about what I need to do. You validated the little voice I had in my head telling me that the thing I need to do, that would be best for me, is to quit my warehouse job
even though I have no 'safety net'. "It's when we can see no safety net below us that God is our safety net. Sometimes He has to wait until we're at the end of our tether before we can feel Him there," I think was what you said. This is for my
physical and emotional well-being as well, but this is also an important part of my life that I have been letting slide and missing out on because of all the stress this job has caused. Thank you for that reminder. Mom and Dad have not really encouraged me to follow what I feel I need to do, but rather have made me to feel like I need to stick with it for some reason. I am also glad that you support my idea of Bible college in England. I know that if you didn't think it a practical and worthwhile idea (rather than me finding one closer) you would have told me.

Of course we had to get back to church in time for the service, since I had to take care of the computer at the back for the words and visuals. We barely made it, but you didn't let that stop you: I want to also thank you for coming from the very
front of the room, during the sermon, all the way to me at the back of the room to make sure I had understand the verse Pastor John was discussing. Wasn't that awesome that the entire message seemed to apply directly to what I am dealing with right now? It was as affirming as, well, the Voice of God saying it to me alone. Everything today pointed to that it's okay to go ahead with this. Thank you for being open and available to help me with these things. I can't express it properly
at all. You truly have a gift for listening and encouragement.

Thank you so much.

Love, Christine

"Whale Sighting!"

2008-12-05T08:10:00.002-05:00

I've just realized how terribly awkward it could be if I encounter Roomie today.

MASSIVE EDIT:

It pleases me to say that there was no whale sighting, and therefore no need to man any harpoons. [Today, All Ceased Harpooning]. I was surprised to hear Vysytr say that she sees Whale quite a lot, as they have pretty much all the same classes. What Vys didn't know [and I forgot about until that day] was that the two of them live in the same building. Be proud, I resisted the urge to ask if Whale had gotten fatter. All in all, Vys and I had a most enjoyable 3ish hour visit. I mean, that's how long it was when I counted right after, and since it's been a few days I might have forgotten. I do know for sure that it was a really long time to just be sitting in her room talking. It came the time for her to eat, so I took that as my cue to leave. I already had stayed longer than intended since I knew she had to study. What she didn't know about was my plans for who I would be visiting after.

I made my exit, told Vys I would be back before the school year was through, and immediately got really nervous. I've not talked much about this person, but he's someone who caused me a lot of awkward last year. And since we were both in the band, well, it was not very comfortable for me. He started talking to me again months ago, out of nowhere. It was... well I think I already wrote on it so I am not going to try and sort myself out again over it. We stopped talking again a bit, and then recently he started again. When I told him I was going to be back on campus for the day, he asked if we could hang out for a bit. Apparently hanging out with me last year was one of his most favourite things to do, which raises a whole bunch of questions from me. I was still pretty skeptical about him and the entire situation but I wanted to give him a chance. Anyway, we exchanged cellphone numbers just so that I could find him post-Vysytr, and he would know who was calling him. Me not liking at all to talk on the phone, I was justifiably apprehensive about hearing someone's voice who caused me a fair bit of 'angst' for the first time since those times. He answered his phone after not too long, but since I was outside with the wind blowing it was pretty much impossible to understand each other. What happened next I found very confusing: He seemed to not know who it was calling, despite him having my number. He hung up, I guess not recognizing the voice, so I called again. I think I called 5 times throughout the rest of the time I had left to do whatever on campus, but he had turned his phone off so I only got the voicemail! Neither did he respond to the text I fired off, nor did he respond to MSN, which said he was online. Needless to say, I was kind of pissed off. Also, it was cold and windy. Inbetween the aforementioned calls I took a long walk around the place just for old-times' sake. I visited the bandroom, which was locked, but I did leave a note for them. I hope it wasn't mistaken for garbage and thrown out. I meant to have a peek inside the music buildings to try and find some music kids, but I guess I forgot. Neither did I head back to my old residence. In retrospect, I wish I had spoken to more people about my visit, but I wasn't counting on being by myself for any amount of it. I didn't have too much time in the first place, unfortunately.

Finally giving up, I called Mom to come get me. She and Meg, who had travelled with us, were with my dad's parents [the ones who helped me move out last year, if anyone remembers what I did with my webcam that time] and his aunt, Grannie's sister. I hadn't met her, at least not since I was 4, and I was shocked by how much they were alike. Carole is 10 years younger than my Grannie, but their faces are identical and they have the very same little quirks in how they talk, and their mannerisms too. It was on the verge of scary. Aaanyway, I was in a somewhat bad mood from having been stood up like that, and hungry to boot By this time it was about 3pm, and I hadn't anything to eat since before we left that morning. I had been counting on nomming with the second friend. We were headed to a specialty bakery to find a diabetic cake for Grandma, whose birthday is on the 10th. Grannie found out that I hadn't had lunch and bought me a cookie which made me happy again. I still needed an explanation, though. We didn't get the cake we needed so we got a normal one and Mom, Meg and I headed to Grandma's to celebrate and visit with her and Grandpa... and the cats.

I wish to show this. This is Bub, short for Beelzebub aka The Devil. Very appropriate name, as I hope you can see. ADHD cat. Ignore the voices in the background. They had an old neighbour-lady over for dinner too, her and Mom are talking about whatever. Meg and I are amused.

We finished up and got back to Grannie & Granddad's. With Great-Aunt Carole over too, I hadn't thought about how the new sleeping arrangements were going to be. Carole already had 'my' room which ended up meaning that Meg and I were in the TV room. I was fine until I remembered that blasted grandfather clock. You know, those stupid standing things with the pendulum and the DINGDONNNNNNG! DINGDONNNNNNNNNNNG! where applicable. Not to mention the persistant tick-tocking.... I took this opportunity to use my phone to send a confused-and-hurt message to the friend I didn't make contact with, and talked to other friends for ideas on what might have happened. Thankfully I realized that attempting sleep after midnight would probably not fail because the hour count goes back to one. 12 chimes later and I could actually feel my eyelids involuntarily closing.

When I got home, I had my answer as to what happened: Friend has a somewhat similar situation to mine, interestingly enough. He apparently failed a course because he didn't hand something in on time. I guess enough stuff has added up, too, that he will finish up the year on campus, but next year he is living at home for school. He couldn't get to his phone because he only found out about the whole school thing a few hours ago and had to deal with explaining to his parents. I replied back that I understood [and feel
sorry to hear about it], but for myself I still don't understand why his phone was on and working, but suddenly off after. Not like we will never see each other after all that, as I said I will return before year-end. He also lives the next town over when we're both at home. Interesting.

I did not intend to be so long-winded about this. It possibly would have been longer had it been written right on the day after, so count yourselves lucky, haha.

Math Class - Return to Word Problems

2008-12-03T01:20:00.003-05:00

I know, I know. You thought you were rid of these after grade school. Here we go:

If Sylvr starts off with 30 labels, Kelshik takes half, Celestino takes half of that, and Jaquie takes half of that, how many does each person now have?
Answer: At this point it doesn't really matter, because everyone gets to go home on time!

There were actually 9 people (I counted) on the one side of the tower at once, all of us sharing and re-splitting labels. Not my fault I was on the first side until after second break, the shorts there were terrible. We started something new where instead of handing in our shorts (haha, shush) to Tom for re-distribution later, we keep our own for the end of the night. So obviously I was delayed. And, as is the rule rather than the exception now, my feet AND legs were hurting. Actually, they were hurting enough that I am still feeling them now. It will be hard to sleep. Anyway, yes. 9 on one side and I think 3 on my first side, I guess they had other people's shorts to take care of. Everyone trying to move their carts past each other, weaving and dodging kind of reminded me of Toronto. Busy traffic.

I guess I've done at least something noteworthy at work: Perfect attendace for 3 months! Tom said today that Nathan was supposed to get the certificate to me, but it is not there yet. But for someone with very poor time management, this is pretty cool for me.

And I am 'officially' invited to Lisa's "Holiday Party" on the 13th. I figured Bailey, her daughter, might be home then, but she is not. I asked because Lisa told me Bailey wants to meet me. She and I are months apart in age, and Lisa thinks we would get along really well personality-wise. I guess she's been talking about me to her, I just wish I knew what was said. Heh, she shouldn't have anything (too) terrible to say about me anyway.

Workboot shopping possibly today, at a decent waking hour of course. I don't know what's happened with the trip to London. I haven't seen Mom since Sunday to ask her.

I guess that's it from me today, I still need to figure out what to contribute to the Cookie Party. Yum.

Dycmbr

2008-12-01T01:02:00.003-05:00

Deadly Ending: Christine's Embarassing Mishaps Begets Endless Regret
or
Did You, Christine, Make Bad Resolve?

I guess that's a silly way of saying "I feel like I've wasted an entire year." It surely has not been a good one. I've nothing spectacular or new to share, I don't know why I'm writing something. Routine, I suppose.

The beginning of December is always a 'special' time for me. I'm constantly realizing my birthday is quickly approaching, which makes me think a bit over the ups and downs of this past year. Sadly, this is the first year ever that I could not care less about my birthday. I'm even dreading it.

Anyway.. so turns out the story about Wendy and I at the work semi had a point. During start-up today, Lisa looked pissed. A few seconds later she explained to me that a similar thing had happened to her on Thursday with Wendy, except.... different. I know, that sounds totally dumb. But the difference here is that her story takes place at work, where mine did not, and drink was involved. Also, there were 2 separate incidences for Lisa. If she/we take action, that means Wendy loses the job. We don't want that, but.. it's inappropriate. Lisa spoke to Tom about it, who was surprised to hear about it. I was suprised too, Wendy doesn't know Lisa well, only since she filled that last spot for our semi table did they start talking. How awkward. I have no idea what's going to happen.

Lisa was so pissed off by the situation still, 3 days later, that 3 times she very nearly hit me in the head with a box. Not that she came charging at me waving it mind you, she just overshot the upper conveyor for recycling cardboard. Scary. But what made me sad was that she... hit her prod. At least I think she did. At around 11 Tom told her she picked 540. I thought the number for her to hit was 700, so I don't know what's going on. Of course, my feet were hurting, and hearing about Lisa's probable success didn't help my mood. Don't get me wrong: I am happy for her. But now I feel so incredibly useless. It would have helped if she had been sensitive enough to not say "Hey, did you hear what Tom said? I've got....." Bah. I don't care right now, I will never get there. (Even now, my feet are still throbbing. It's not just the tissue and muscles that are sore now, I can feel it in the bone.)

Nonetheless, Cookie Party is next week. Knowing me, I am going to completely forget about it. Alas.

(Oh, and one bit of hopeful news: Lisa and Tom were able to suggest some alternate workboot stores. I got them on a red sticker and attatched it to Mom & Dad's door.)

I Guess It Was All A Lie

2008-11-30T13:43:00.004-05:00

Contrary to what I've said before, I believe my job is in danger again.

Dad received a phonecall from Auntie, who was spoken to by one of the other managers. Apparently they 'caught' me staring off into nothing a few times. In all honesty, I have no idea when I do that. Subconscious zoning-out is apparently going to be the death of me. After having time to absorb that terrible information, Dad and I decided to go look around for some new workshoes for me. ....3+ hours and at least 5 stores later, nothing. The only pair that I would have considered were too high for what I would like, so they would have made my foot too warm [and I was afraid of losing circulation]. I don't want a real 'boot' because I need to use my ankle more than I think I would be able to. But all the shoe-styles we found were too shallow with orthotic + insole, and the insole has to stay in. And my feet got so terribly painful just from walking arounjd and trying on lots of pairs of shoes. There aren't any alternatives that I know of, so Dad is gonna research that for me. For now, I'm stuck with what I have.

I don't know how to explain how troubled I am by all of this. At this point, it's just not worth it to me to have to handle all this stress, just so I can barely scrape by another day. I'm seriously thinking of quitting. I'm not finding this existance very rewarding as things are now.

The next challenge would be finding yet another job. Best case scenario is not standing (or at least having an option to sit), and non-repetitive. I couldn't think of any, but Vysytr suggested secretarial work. Seeing as such opportunities are rare, I don't know where else to consider. And I don't know which issue of mine I would rather have to put up with. (It's bad that I think amputation might be a feasible option, isn't it. I'm skeptical of the surgery.) Here goes another week of inadequacy...

And is it just me, or has everyone's rate of blogging completely stopped?

The End.

(I just remembered... I likely have a voyage coming up on the 5th. Mom and I are headed back to London (Ontario) so she can visit her mom, and I will get to see Vysytr... and someone else. Should be ..interesting.)

Further Foot Frustration

2008-11-26T00:25:00.002-05:00

Get your shoe.

On a flat surface--think 'computer desk'--stand the shoe up on its toe and push down, bending the shoe. Where does it bend?

I went to the foot doctor again today, and that was the test he performed on both my normal shoes and my steel-toed work shoes. For me, my shoe needs to bend only at the toe. Reason being my arches are still hurting, yes with orthotics, and I need for the shoe to not be flimsy and bendy like that. Unfortunately, only my normal shoe passed that test. Obviously, this means I need to buy new work shoes. Obviously, this is going to be expensive. Like around $450. Shoes that cost half of a thousand dollars? My favourite. I'm so very very frustrated that I have to spend all this money on my feet. It's not even extra, pamper-y stuff like pedicures and massages and what-have-you. These are necessary things just to allow me to function/behave/act normally. No one should have to spend this kind of money just to be able to walk or stand comfortably for a normal amount of time. Other things I need to look for in a new pair of shoes: the 'shell' around the heel, I forget what it's called, though; and if possible, a kevlar toe, which will be lighter. Oh, and did I mention I have wide feet? Finding a normal shoe is difficult enough.

All this is very overwhelming for me to think about, especially just coming from the appointment. I was still thinking about it when I got to work and Tom asked me how my feet were feeling so far today. He recommended that I go visit the HR lady. When I finally found her in her office, I explained my situation as best I could. From what I can tell, I won't be re-imbursed in full, unless the insurance company has some other category this could fall under. I'll need to call once I get the shoes I guess.

Today was good timing to remember to bring some Bandaids to work with me. I managed to hit the corner of one of the open boxflaps on the corner of my fingernail, and BLOODWENTEVERYWHERE! Pretty much no exaggeration. If I had not had a bandage right there, I do not know what I would have done. The blood even soaked through the bandaid. Imagine if I had gotten blood on some of the products or something..... Surprise!!... ahahaha.

I've been thinking a bit lately about my cousin's ex-girlfriend, Rena. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but she started accompanying him and the fam to the Christmas Gatherings. Even after they broke up, she still came with them. Even though I'm not sure what the exact order of circumstances were, I know her mother died right around the November or so before the second Christmas she came to, so she might have been living with them. Her father had died years before that, so she was pretty much just left with her twin sister and much younger brother. She and I kind of lost touch, simply because we don't have much in common. But lately we started talking again, and it seems like every time we speak someone else has died. Last it was her grandmother and cousin. I don't know how she deals with it. I mean, she was working 8+ hour shifts every day WITH school for I-don't-know-how long, possibly supporting her brother. I definitely don't know how I would be able to continue, having to face everyone dear to me dying like that. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have a lot of respect for her. She's such a strong person. I'm not sure if she'll be joining us for Christmas again (she said she only talks to Rob's parents--my aunt and uncle--and me), but we talked about meeting up if we both didn't have to work on the day.

Lastly, I was at my worklocker ready to go home, and some man from Pallet Build (I think) randomly introduced himself. I don't recall seeing him before, and I doubt I will recognize him again. Seriously, completely random. Random Francis.

WELL, this has taken me far too long to write. A most ...interesting... distraction occurred. I don't know if I like it or not. It shall remain to be seen, and probably written about, another day.

I Had A Good Title, But I Forgot It.

2008-11-25T00:54:00.003-05:00

I heard another funny name on the PA today (the first one was Rong Wei): Bow Tie! I am sure that's not how it's spelled, but that is how it is pronounced, nonetheless. Before you chalk it up to another dumb mishearing, the name was called more than once, and I'm not the only one who heard 'bow tie'. Awesome.

The Cookie Party came up again today at break. Lisa, who seems to always need to be part of a conversation, filled the slight silence with "Ooooh, someone has a birthday soon!"♪♫ And then points at me. Why she had to do that, I don't know. But the other two 'relearned' what day it is, and then said "Oh wait, isn't that the day of our Cookie Party?" ....that was definitely kind of the whole point of it in the first place, but Nena and Tracey didn't seem to remember that. At all. Must be old age, haha. Yay Cookies!

And, despite being told that today was going to be a busy shift, my floor (better known now as Lisa's Lane and Christine's Corridor for our respective favourite sides) was totally cleared out by 10, shorts and all. I think now is an opportune time to remind you all that shorts, relating to my work, does not mean clothes. So you can put away any sort of 'special' picture you might have associated with questionable-sounding sentences like "I gave him my shorts," now that you are sure of the correct meaning. Anyway, I ended up the next floor up, which didn't turn out to be that special since by the end of the night because 11 people were up there in total. For comparison, there's usually 3/floor. Any more and it feels a bit squishy. There were too many shorts to do.

...uhhh... my house phone was just ringing. I don't understand the cause of that ridiculousness. That means mom and dad were tromping about, I guess they thought it might be me calling, so I wonder what happened post-confirmation that I was here? The only reason I could think of that my home phone would be ringing now is because someone found my cellphone (shush, yes, it's gone again) and called the Home entry. I just had my phone this morning though. Curses...

And with that, off to bed.

Semi-Formal Silly Fstories

2008-11-24T00:42:00.003-05:00

That's not a typo, I just wanted to keep the pattern going. Anyway, yes. I have the work 'Holiday Party' semi-formal to describe, I guess.

I didn't win anything. Auntie did, though, but she gave it to me. The person sitting behind me at the next table won two TVs though! What's up with that? I'm not going to bother with a full chronological account of the night (I know, a nice relief, haha), there are only a few notable things anyway. To start, literally, we got there half an hour late for dinnertime. Auntie's lack of checking MapQuest + misinterpreting Dad's phone directions made for some pretty funny times... for me, anyway. She was getting a little stressed, I didn't see what the big deal was. And, as I predicted, dinner hadn't actually even started yet! That's a win for Sylvr, I think. A little while on, after the nomming had subsided, it was time for dancing/drinking/socializing. Sitting at the table was boring me, so I went off to find Lisa. As I expected, she and her fiancé Shawn were at the bar. What I didn't expect was that Nathan would be there with them. He kept trying to buy me drinks, which was kinda weird-seeming to me. He honestly thinks I hate him or am scared of him, though. Apparently (Lisa), I get a 'look' on my face when ever he comes by. Oh, and he also wanted to know if I was going to be at Lisa's Christmas Party too. Why? Go away, heh. Also, I got 'violated'. Again, at the bar, Lisa, Wendy and I were talking, and another RePack lady was there. ...eh, I don't want to get graphic or anything, so I'll say this the least descriptive way I think I can. I was just like "Why are you touching me? You're not supposed to be admiring those..." I only thought that, of course. It wasn't a serious violation, I was amused in the end. Silly Wendy. And to end the night, Auntie drove some drunk co-worker home, who's name she doesn't even remember. I almost burst out laughing. He kept asking her out and everything. "Why are you wasting your time on [this dating site]? I just wanna tell ya.. I'm right here, ya know? I've been wanting to tell you for a while now.. I wanna go out with ya..." Funny on its own, but after he was home I learned he asked her the same while sober haha. Poor Auntie.

Sooooo, there's the end of that! Work today was okay, I figured out another problem. As strange as it sounds, I just forget to move quickly. But still, I don't think I did so badly. Tom didn't tell me the number, but he did tell me something else. 1) I've finally received my official 3-months-here notice, which means a raise! A small raise, but good enough. 2) I don't have to miss the Second Christmas, or whatever I called it in my entry about Potential Defilement, because I've been scheduled for the 20th. Yay stuff!

Now for a mishearing: PA: "All asian cutters to the bottom of the B-Tower!" Well, there goes all of them, hahahaha. Oh.. wait... that must have been 'day shift cutters'. Darn it.
I was amused, I wanted to share.

I don't know why I am up writing this, other than the usual to-get-it-out-of-my-system, because I came home to a note on my bed that basically says "take Meg to her orthodontist appointment at 9am tomorrow morning to get her braces off!" Exciting though that is, curses for being the only one able to drive people around, since Mom is supply teaching allllll week.

I guess it means I should go sleep now. G'night!

I hate LGM.

2008-11-20T00:47:00.004-05:00

I have to write in my blog about the song LGM wrote about Angsty McSylvrface, then sit on a log and cry about it.. or something like that.

The end.

Edit:

I loaf LGM. He is bread to me. [And I don't really hate him, I just had to come up with a title quickly.] <--- most random and hilarious Stickam times ever. It does turn out that he's quite the amusing improv lyric writer. We had somethign 'bout having to poop and it feeling like an elephant....

More 'Red Sticker' Tales

2008-11-19T00:25:00.003-05:00

I have to be super speedy with this one, because I rather foolishly agreed to babysit tomorrow morning. I only realized what bad timing that would be around 10:00, but just driving home I realized it won't be so crazy this time because it's a school day then, so at least the oldest should be gone. I think part of the reason they are so hyper and tend to misbehave is because they are all competing for some one-on-one attention, something that is in very short supply with 4 kids close in age. Sure, I could put off writing another day, but I really wanna just get this done.

This is gonna be so fast it will be pretty much straight from the notes I wrote stuff down on.
Yesterday:
I've been noticing some lingering pains in my foot still. I go back to the foot doctor guy next week just to see how they are fitting, so I want to be prepared. I wrote down where my feet were having problems, so I can keep track and see if they're consistant. Wow, this is hard to decipher... uh.. hm, looks like mostly the left foot at the extremes. And I still get the ripping 'sensation' in the right foot. I hope the orthotics are adjustable to that degree, it seems like too much is not feeling right. I hope surgery is not required....
Not only do my feet strangely hurt, but I get hungry pains a lot, too. Even after I've eaten an hour ago, it often feels like I've not eaten for many many hours. Seriously, where has all the food suddenly been going so quickly? It makes working very uncomfortable.
Nathan announced to us during start up today that there has been a rash of thefts in our tower. Logically, it would be someone in our department, but it could also be the cherry picker drivers or the cutters. Interestingly enough, the thing most stolen is the GPSs. What would they want to chance stealing it for, to find the fastest possible way away from work?
On the other, more positive hand, things were working out a lot oddly in my favour. A few examples I wrote down: my choice of grouping the labels in the trains that I did worked out perfectly, no random ones left; I was lucky enough to get the mammoth cart, which means I can do more labels in less time because I have more room, I got to be on the side of the floor that I want, and the Talkman rarely misunderstood me or forced me to repeat myself! Miracle!
On second break, I heard Nathan's "assistant TL", Cheryl, and the 3 Scottish ladies ranting about Nathan and the cutters. Apparently he snapped at Cheryl to do something, which is rare for him to be loud and/or angry. But their main complaint was that he isn't doing anything about the slacking cutters. "People like [that cutter*] are pretty much running things, somehow she's allowed to sit on the backrack. Nathan's doing nothing about it, and she's encouraging others to do the same! TLs need to grow some balls." *This cutter in particular is one of those butch black people. I'm not intending to be racist, just trying to describe her personality. I can't help but think to myself when I see her ...Well, at least my name over the PA doesn't sound like a lady's..... well that would get inappropriate. But it's really funny.
Lastly for yesterday, everything was starting to run together so that it almost sounded distorted. Example: when breaking up a train, the Talkman command is "Dismantle." With the random distortion, I was hearing "Dis' mental!" "You sai' dis' mental. Are you sure?" "Yes." "Dis' mental. Start task." Ha ha.

Now for today. There really isn't much work-related, except I was actually late for the first time ever!!!!! I think I have a good reason, though. I was a bit traumatized because Em and I witnessed a car accident, basically right in front of us. There was a van in front of us, and if the van had been hit in the aftermath, we would have too. It was just so surreal watching it all. Then, of course, I was stuck because I couldn't complete my turn because of all the glass and debris everywhere. I wasn't heading to work at this point, but by the time I got home it was kind of late and I still hadn't had a lunch made. I was only a minute late, but I ended up leaving my lunch and purse in the car in my best attempt to be on time. Bah. It was nice to have a quiet 2 breaks in the car, though. I missed that.
The first work-related thing is that I managed to hit myself in the head by way of accidentally catapulting some barbeque brushes(?) out of the box. I guess I was rushing, trying to make it out on time, but I tipped the box too quickly. One of the rare times I forgot this item wasn't a heavy thing, and BAM, right in the middle of my forehead. It hit me so hard I thought I was bleeding. I guess it was more shock than pain, because I wasn't. Thankfully no one saw it happen. Last of all, Tom reported that I did a bit better than yesterday, almost hit 500. He offered to work with me next I'm in, and I know he will do much better than Nathan's definition of having someone help me. I think he is going to watch me himself. Yay! Real help! I fully agree with the Scottish trio about being glad for Nathan's month-long departure to get trained more way over in Calgary, which is the 'closest' warehouse to ours. Hooray!

Well, that's done. I hope I get good enough sleep, I will need all the energy I can muster...

I'm Mad...

2008-11-17T00:39:00.002-05:00

.... Mad Hyper! Woooo!!!! I think it's the result of screwing up my meds. 10ish became 11:30, sooo I was takin' mah drugs mid-church. Heh. Well no one saw, I'm at the back on the computer. And 4ish became 7. So I am a bit wonky right now. I had some cheery news though: on his own accord, Nathan came over to me before I started the work today and told me I had got 535 the other day (Tuesday I guess?). Off-hand, I recall basically 0 'special effort' there. Best yet, pretty much easy doing. Yay!

Tonight I know wasn't that great, I was very sleepy and sluggish as usual. Lisa asked me if I was okay though, apparently I looked flustered. Surprising, because it's obvious-looking when I am flustered, so maybe it was that 'thing' that was/is still on my mind. That would be fluster-worthy. I hope I can figure out how to 'unfluster' myself soon, I don't want this to become a serious distraction...

Also tonight I was subjected to Ron's Rants. Actually, I shouldn't say I was 'subjected'. A lot of people find his talking annoying, but I find it informative. Perhaps it's because I don't hear him often because he is sent to a floor other than my own. His rants are about how the company could run smoother, which always leads to some other semi-related topic. Being still pretty new at this place, I like hearing what he has to say about the inner workings of the company. Knowledgeable people are my friends. Especially the loud ones that like me. They can put good words in for me! Today's rants were about the cutters and their slacking. No, we don't have emos rampaging in the warehouse. The cutters (and their counterparts, The Midnight Cutters [= cool name haha]) have been slacking lately and not giving us any product to put in our boxes. Annoying because it results in a lot of shorts. Stupid cutters. Ron also educated me about checking the warehouse labels on products because they are often wrong. I had a sample to post, but I left it at work. Maybe another day I will remember too.

Poor Ron, I think he talks a lot because he is lonely. He is older, and never married. I think he appreciates-- at least a bit-- that someone is interested in listening to his information about the place, rant-form or not. It came in useful later, he gave me some 'special labels' that I don't have access to for the box that I use to carry my stuff around. I've taken the headers from each assignment I fully complete and stuck them on. Except for I've actually mostly been just collecting them now because I don't have time to stick them on. Result: a massive pile of them that I brought home for whenever I manage to bring the box home. There would be nothing wrong with taking it home to do that, it would just be a weird thing to be seen going home with since it's so colourful and I am somewhat famous for it in my own department. The plus side is that no one will take my things now haha.

Oh, and lastly, I am not completely sure of the definition of a "Rickroll", whether it refers to being shown the video or if it can include just having to hear the song, but if the latter is also true, then the restaurant rickrolled us at lunch. Only Meg and I understood it though.

Thankfully, hyper has died off. Calmness yay.

The Potential Defilement of Christmas

2008-11-16T14:25:00.002-05:00

Dad's parents and sister are here to visit. Truly, this is a random occurrence, they aren't staying over or anything, but they are visiting because they miss our family. So out for lunch we go, and I learn that 1) Dad's brother and sister-in-law are not very well at all, not to mention she doesn't even really want to join us for 'that side's Christmas anyway (she is a silly woman) so they might be vacationing elsewhere. 2) My favourite cousin (youngest of the aunt-that-is-here's kids) might not be able to join us because his Christmas break doesn't start until like the 23rd of December and he has to be back at school for mandatory Residence Staff training January 1st. 3) I might not even be able to make it either, because I might be forced to work the one day that Dad's side of the family gathers, same with Em because it's a Saturday. So I'm moderately upset about that. The face of Christmas will be changed forever! Poo getting old and working.

Also around this time are all the Santa Claus Parades that the marching band would be attending. I see it in their msn names and facebook statuses "Getting ready for the _____ Parade!" The Toronto parade was today, and that was probably my favourite.
And Grannie and Granddad (dad's parents) were saying at lunch how they were gonna miss having me around to help pick their Christmas tree to cut down. I might end up staying there a few days anyway so that I can, but I miss the memories of all that, if that makes sense. Isn't Christmas always nostalgic anyway? This is one of those few times I don't like it. Everyone has to get all adult and have their own separate lives.

This isn't to say that I am in another 'slump' mood-wise, I'm still doing well. I just wish certain circumstances were a bit different.

.

2008-11-13T13:09:00.002-05:00

I never fail to be amused by any of these vids

Haiku Marathon

2008-11-12T20:50:00.040-05:00

Inspired by the discussion Boyd and I are having right this minute on Stickam, I am going to try and write at least 50 haikus. (Haikues?) So... I will just edit this entry as I go. [Just for kicks... start time 8:51pm]

Silly marathon
Makes me count lots on fingers
Syllable numbers

Lately Stickam lags
Maybe it is just lonely
Go be its friend now

Haikus make me feel
Oh so very asian now
Sylv sound like wise man!

Punctuation use:
Is it allowed here or not?
Too bad, I think so.

Will this craze catch on?
Hopefully, perhaps it could
Force it on others!

Mom has just appeared
She asks what I am doing
"Are your haikus clean?"

How could she ask that?
It hurts my innocent heart
Oh, so innocent

The time has now come
For LGM's radio
We must hear his show

Sylvr wants more food
Dinnar was not quite enough
Maybe I can eat

But not till later
I am haiku-ing lots now
Sylv is on a roll

A roll with butter!
See, I lack some good nom-noms
I must learn to cook

Boyd is slow writer
'leven haikus to his four
This is number 12

How long will this take
I am lacking ideas
And awesome as well

'Xmas' is up next
Topic was suggested by
A cool person

'Xmas' is not right
It is surely spelled 'Christmas'
Lazy people suck

You remember SHAG?
Not shag but SHAG. It has been
A very long time

Okay, yeah, alright
I know that I have cheated
On one before this

I can't wait for this:
Stickens is next year, hooray!
Will I be lone girl?

That could get awkward
But perhaps 'twon't be so bad
Oh please Pilf come too

What number is this?
I don't want to go and count
You can though, tell me

Boyd is up too late
Sleep sched needs to be repaired
Stay in your timezone!!

No, don't move countries
You will still mess up sleep time
And then just move more

I guess it's one way
To travel around the world
Some day you'll get home

Pinkscarf demands now
A haiku about itself
There you go, scarfy

Laughingpenguin feels
left out so now I must write
one for it also

How could I forget
About Bacon Heart the First
Oh the good old days

And now to mind comes
The whale, you know the one
Enough has been said

My face is burning
With the shame of no new thoughts
Haiku is lame-ish

I know why I write
faster: missed taking my meds
for second dosage

Therefore I can think
Faster? Maybe? Is faulty
Reasoning. Oh well

Avoid nasty 'stache
Thank goodness it was 'removed'
But it made 'Dumbs leave

Randumbs creep Stickam
In a most annoying way
No one here likes them

Haikus are not fun
to count, writing is still fun
Boyd says: Thirty-two!

Unsensibleness
Is a splendid thing to have
It makes one silly

It also means that
..well I don't know, but oh well
Should I stop writing?

Boyd feels bad that
He can't write as quickly
Shall I take a break?

I think that I won't
Yawning is unattractive
I just had to yawn

Why is this form of
unattractiveness so
contagious? Not fair.

Ode to the bucket:
You're so red, big, and nasty
Thanks for making us

Without you, Stickam
Would not be the same because
That's first what I saw

This: number forty!
Not much more to have to write
Time to think of things

Now I speak of TACH
Child-humpers and their spears
Or something like that

Harpoons, my bad
Please forgive me, Mighty Rog
King of Acro Game

How did TACH provide
So much amusement? Ha ha
I am glad it did

My face still needs food
Or is that more my stomach
Either way, want noms

Oh, but not rhubarb!
I don't want it in my eye
It's just like eye crust

They are named the same
What psycho decided that?
I think they should die

Ooh, a refugee
Meg has snuck into my room
And reads my haikus

Three more to write now
Unless counting was done wrong
Let's pretend it's right

I've just been told not
This would be my last one now
Enough of Haikus!

And many distractions later, I finish almost 2 hours later at 10:47, even though some of theme are cheating. Oh well. Someone else's turn!

Edit:
I have one to add, but I didn't write it:
Christine's haiku-ing
And I find it annoying
Please stop the madness
--By Margaret

Ouch.

'Tis The Season To Be Clean ..... ?

2008-11-12T00:38:00.005-05:00

Okay, so, firstly, as far as I have been told, I still have a job. That means my boss sorta lied. That means Nathan is a bit of a bumhead. [Further supported by yesterday, 10 minutes before it was time to leave, I asked him how I had done. He asked me to clean up some scrap cardboard lying around and he would check for me. I finished and went to find him, but he had disappeared. Oh, and the number I picked was 525 yesterday. Woo best yet!] Obviously, I am very happy about all that, or rather, the first sentence really.

Being that today is [was, now] Rememberance Day for us, we were going to observe the traditional two minutes of silence. Being that we couldn't do so on at 11:11am as usual, someone decided that it was going to be done at 7:00. Silly me, though, I forgot about that and followed my normal routine because no one likes a full bladder on break, which means I was 'in the bathroom' when the 2 minutes were called. Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I was not about to stand up. [And there ends my silly needless anecdote for the day.]

Tell me please, do you give shower curtains as gifts in your area of the world? ...No? Are you absolutely certain? Then WHY are there suddenly so many to ship? Seriously, it's really irritating. Possibly because they are so heavy. Not relative to other things their size, but actually heavy. I don't know why I have a shower curtain rant, other than it seems a bit of a strange time for them to be popular. Moral of the story: don't shower so much. [Okay, bit of a stretch.]

I had another motivational 2nd break again. Since I have no way of knowing when Tracey and Nena go to break unless I intercept them at the washroom, I have to guess. Today I guessed wrong, and to save myself from sitting by myself, I sat with Tom, Rosanna, and Mike. Somehow I managed to look stressed, which got the three of them going on a Nathan-rant once Tom commented. Again, they told me to not worry about hitting prod, it's just a dumb target to try for, even though hardly anyone can. Rosanna said she knows I am a good worker, and Tom said that I am picking better numbers than Lisa, though I don't know how he knows. I love feeling the support. I've started planning what I will say if I get called to the shipping office for it, too. Never hurts to be prepared.

I have also been reminded somehow that the Christmas Party is in 10 days, and I still don't have anything to wear! Gah! I didn't realize it was coming up so soon. Possibly what triggered it was Rosanna randomly asking after break "Are you gonna dance at the party?" "Uhh... I dunno.. I guess, not really good at that stuff. I don't move that way. :|" [I make it a point to not use emoticon faces in my writing, but since my face was definitely like that as I said that, it gets put there.] "Aw, well it's not that hard." "Sure, but this is about as dance-y as I get:" *wobble-ish dance*
Seriously, it is going to be pathetic. Probably everyone else will be too drunk to notice me, haha.

Here I end for tonight, definitely happy about most things. It is sure nice to feel better about everything than I have in a long time.

A More Positive Outlook

2008-11-11T01:34:00.002-05:00

I am quite happy to be able to write that today was a much, much better day than yesterday. I don't know if I mentioned much about it in advance, but that morning was the ADHD coping strategies conference. Don't get me wrong... I found it very informational, but I guess terribly discouraging too because I spent a lot of the car ride home crying quietly (you know, I really think it was the comparison statistics between ADHD/non for especially the percentage of population that gets fired from their job, and discussion of the 'severe social handicap', which I totally agree with..), but it exploded when I got home. I almost completely refused to go into work, just being so sad about my entire situation and all that has been affected. I also was yelling about not going to work on Tuesday, what is to be my last day there. Apprehensive about being called down to the office--yes, I know, just like school-- and being talked to about not making prod. 1) scary 2) I know I would start crying.

That's why I say I am happy to report a better-than-the-lately-normal day. My perspective has thankfully changed a fair bit about this. I also took notes again. This writing wasn't supposed to take as long as it has, but the notes will help me end even faster. Curse you, distractions!

Ah! I was very glad to note that my 'downtime' between trains of labels and boxes is much shorter. I was actually so excited about it that I wrote it down twice separately, haha. Which means it was consistant the whole shift! Also, I found a relation between feeling less stressed about having to rush, and actually doing the same or even better rate-of-pick-wise, oddly enough. I think I knew the whole time that my mind was working faster during that time, but not my body, which became super-frustrating. Being nice and rather mellow had a surprising effect. I got really physically frustrated though. Talkman was misunderstanding my numbers more than normal, and I had to repeat myself so many times that I got a bit worked up and actually ripped a few of the product boxes because I was clenching them so hard out of anger, heh. Possibly due to being very loud and hyper in the hours preceeding work. Poor Em. Anyway... oh.. haha. This one was good: "I wish I had a voice recorder on me at work so I could keep sounds I make when I cut myself, for Space Boy's game." Indeed, I have some sort of 'vocal sound effects' to record, some of which include me getting hurt. It would save a bit of recording time... hahaha.

And lastly [and probably most importantly], I wrote down a reminder to thank Tom and Tracey. On second break, I was sitting with them and Tom asked if I had anything to help my feet yet. He was happy for me when I told him I get my orthotics today, and I was also glad I had the chance to explain to him about the current situation, the 'go-time' and all that crap. He also agreed it wasn't fair about my situation, and even said the same thing as Lisa, that no one has gotten 'go-time'd because they haven't hit prod. He said that if they call me into the office (as previously mentioned that I expect today), to explain what's going on with me now. Tom is the assistant TL over at Full-Case still, so he knows what he is talking about. He says I won't lose the job because of this, and thinks the whole thing is a bit silly. Tracey was concerned again too, and both left the breakroom at the same time with words of encouragement and pats on the shoulder. And I got teary again. Confusing though, I don't know what to expect anymore!

I do believe that is finally all. I do apologize if parts or all of the above make no sense, I feel unusually tired. And contrary to my earlier convictions, I will go in today and enjoy it no matter what.

"Just Amputate, Already!"

2008-11-05T01:30:00.003-05:00

Hm, where to begin? Choronologic beginnings are logical, yes, but it seems in my head that it will result in another long entry. Logic wins again, because I can think of no other way to get this over with.

Oh, and Mom thinks my new hair colour makes me look Asian. ...Somehow. I'm not really sure where that came from. And Meg's reaction was "OH MY GOSH! You look goth or emo. It's not you. I don't like it." Mom was a bit nicer about it later, but still. Geez. I wonder what she said to Dad about it...

Today Auntie came over to drop some catalogues off for Mom, and we ended up going on a little walk. I was able to discuss with her in more detail what we had briefly talked about the other day at work, namely my job and its current status. She advised that I ask Nathan about what he said last week, so when I got into work [I had an amazing attitude about it, every fibre of my being was raring to go and work as fast as I can. No question where my focus was going to be. It was great.] I approached Nathan about what he said about someone helping me with my item-picking routine. He appeared very pleased indeed that I asked about it. Auntie was right to say that a little initiative goes a long way. He did say that the person he had in mind to send to me was off today, but he sent someone else to help me. Rather, though he asked someone to 'work' with me, all that ended up meaning was "You can ask her any questions you have, she will probably have some tips for you. She's the best." Great, thanks Nathan. Not exactly what I needed, but I don't think anyone directly watching me would have helped anyway. [Actually, she did give me a useful tip, so I can't discount it completely.] I know precicely what my problems are. Focus is the main thing that will solve that.

I was working not unlike a machine right through till first break. I could see that I wasn't going to run out of labels, either. It was definitely shaping up to be a great night. I was even more pleased to see that the 'cafeteria' was all decorated. I had forgotten to tell Mom [I don't force her to make my dinner, she offers! Promise!] that the Employee Appreciation Barbeque was taking place today, so I wouldn't need to bring food. Truth be told, I actually forgot all about it, myself. I enjoyed my free food with relish, literally! Okay, bad joke, I know. Bah. But the most amusing part was what the Team Leaders were wearing. For some reason, the theme was Oktoberfest, so the TLs had leiderhosen [I know, I am sure it's spelled wrong] on. I can't remember if it was an apron or not, but they definitely all had matching hats on, too. It looked so funny, especially on Nathan, who is a rather large fellow. After break I stopped at the 'desk' at the front of the tower to see if the TL assistant could tell me how much I'd picked so far. She didn't have access to that area of the program, but she said she would ask Nathan to check the next time he was by.

Hrmm... it seems I have misplaced my new set of writings to remind me what I wanted to say. Well, perhaps you're wondering how I fared overall with order pickings. I would like to introduce you to the most annoying twist in any positive work-story of mine: My Bad Feet. I was still doing great work up until about 9:00, when I started to feel a terrible pain right in my left ankle area. I knew instantly it had to do with the speedy pace I was going. I also knew it was not going to stop. On one of my trips to the desk to drop off some shorts before I felt the pain, I asked Nathan if he knew how I was doing, and he said I would pick around 530 if I kept up my rate. That really disappointed me, I thought I was working MUCH faster than that, even though that would be my best amount yet. Nathan said it was a good rate, but I couldn't help but turn away in disgust at the too-low number. Once my ankle started hurting though, I knew I would fall much short of 530 picks. Not only did the pain not stop, it got much worse. By second break at 10:00, I was definitely limping and the pain was all over my shin. I was also in tears a bit, but I managed to banish them for during the break. By the time 12:00 hit, my entire leg was killing me, and I had already been using the cart as a sort of support to help me walk. I was definitely crying a bit, purely out of frustration. Well, pain too, but the amount of my frustration was so great I couldn't feel anything physical for a little while. My orthotics don't arrive for another week or so, either. I just kept replaying the crushing thought in my head that this is the best I can possibly do without help for my feet. I don't get said help until after it's too late. I don't know how I am going to manage making quota. I couldn't explain very well to Nathan either, because I didn't want him to see tears. [Turns out it was a bad day for the department, too. We are 4000 picks behind somehow. He has no idea what happened.] Back when he was asking for overtime I choked out an explanation that I couldn't stay because my leg was killing me, and that I wouldn't even be able to keep up the pace I had been doing. He looked concerned, I think, and just said "try your best". So I am at a complete loss for how to make myself work 'better'. If I go my fastest, I end up in terrible pain. I ended up with 438 picks.

What can you do when your best just isn't good enough?

Pondering Plan B

2008-11-04T01:30:00.003-05:00

Well, it's back to the ol' write-offline-in-Notepad deal, I suppose. Mom complained to me today that I wasn't around to help
her with groceries etc because I got to sleep late (because I was either writing or talking after work).... So I guess she's
gotten Dad to turn the internet off at nights either just once or indefinitely. Either way, these past two days bear talking
about because

I am very sure my job is in danger. Here's how it happened:

I had psyched myself into determining that I was going to have an amazing workweek, being as totally productive as possible, being sure to take all my meds so that I could concentrate as well as possible. I had even figured out reasons why I was working more slowly than even my usual, and I was all ready to explain the main one to Nathan (since I hadn't yet completely figured out the other). After the startup meeting, I went to him and said "I think one of the main reasons I work more slowly is because I'm always afraid of being interrupted suddenly, which startles me, which will throw me off track completely. To prevent myself being startled, I keep checking down the aisle to see if you or anyone else is coming to talk to me. I guess if I knew for sure you weren't going to startle me mid-shift, I would be able to concentrate a lot more." Or something like that, anyway. He said he would wait until break to tell me anything, but I went on to say "Oh, and the towels. They slow me down, too. Just cause they're so big..." I don't think he picked up that I was half joking, because he said "Well you have to be able to hit your prod(uctivity), towels or not...", which I expected, but then "You have two more weeks of training in this department before you're an official part of the team." "Even if I don't hit prod?" "No, you still have to hit prod. But if you don't in two weeks, it's 'go time'." Go time? What is that? Anyone? No seriously, I really don't know. But I am really sure it does not mean anything good, as he has previously alluded to something similar. I should think it's needless to say that my good mood was almost completely ruined. In lieu of my notebook, I grabbed a red sticker (which is used to warn pallet builders when a made-up box is heavy) and made a list of all the terrible things that would be affected if Go Time means what I think it does: I would miss The Cookie Party, what am I going to do with those expensive orthotics I got made specifically for that job, and with no income of my own, how would I get to Stickens (or anywhere for that matter)? A lot of the sticker is scribbly, but I think that was all I had down. Those last two are very serious. Also on that list should be school, which I am vaguely starting to consider again. Oh, and guess who got 0 help from Nathan, in the way that he told me he would send someone to help me? Yes! Me! So I was very freaked out and discouraged at the prospect of again being jobless because of my 'condition', as Mom calls it, and she wasn't happy at all the next day when I told her about that episode. Well, I am getting ahead of myself.

All the negativity aside, I think I had a solid day. However, same thing as always, we ran out of labels. Had absolutely nothing to do by at latest 11:30. Also, knowing that I wasn't going to be startled really helped my focus. Amazing. I also took notes of some amusing things: At the back of the warehouse I guess is Receiving. On my way to the washroom there, I saw a rather large man step on a pallet-sized platform, with a number display. He looked very disgruntled because of the number as he stepped off it and saw me walk past, and I thought it would be most amusing if it was a scale. [I found out today that it is. Hee hee hee.] Oh, and lastly, I learned the sweetest thing from one of the moms at church. Since I don't really have anyone to talk to after the service, I usually observe the small children running around. I was in the loft watching 5 small children PLUS Meg fit under a table, when the mother of 3 of those children came to collect her kids and told me that I'm all her 2 older girls (age 7 and 5 I think) talk about at home. I guess because of when I helped in Sunday School back in September, but wow.... they're talking about me 2 months later. I didn't know I had made that much of an impact. I don't even really know the the family either, cause they're fairly new, but I am quite flattered by it. I felt most important. Lastly related to Sunday is that any leads from Cindy (another mom at the church, but she's a bit younger than most in her age category, so we are kinda buddies) regarding another youthgroup for my own age have fallen flat. Any existing groups nearby are all kind of a bit too old and therefore should NOT be called College & Career, but Couples & Late-Twenties. Siiigh.... I guess I will have to look way elsewhere for a group, perhaps out-of-country. It's not a complete joke, either. We had a lunch invitation at the pastor's house, and their middle daughter, who I guess is 17 now, told me she's going off to New Zealand for school next year. She proceeded to explain that the school is part of a chain of Bible Colleges around the world, and after hearing of my plans for a Scotland trip, suggested I check it out. Turns out there is one in England. The idea of going to a foreign school interests me a lot, and I always thought Bible College would be neat to do for a year, or I could try the six-month program. Something to have a look at, anyway.

Can I talk a bit about Monday? Are you still with me? Congratulations if you are.

Knowing that we have a professional family portrait appointment this Friday, I did not want my hair to show up two different colours in the picture. To remedy that, I bought some hair dye. The idea was to go a bit darker than natural, but.... I guess I somehow managed to leave it on too long, because it went darker than dark brown. That's right, readers! It looks black. And, being the horrifically sloppy person that I am, I managed to get some dye on my forehead and not wipe it off in time so that it looks like I have some weird skin problem. So don't expect to see it until I get rid of the splotches. Oh, and I made a bit of a mess in the bathroom with it. I wonder if the drip marks are off the counter. Oh dear....... but I heard only nice things from people at work about it. Someone said I look like Princess Leia, Auntie said I look medieval now, and everyone else that said anything said it looks really nice, and everyone was like "oh no no no" when I explained that I didn't want it to go so dark and that I want it to fade. Strange. But I did manage to see what it looks like caught in the light, and it IS brown. Yay!!

Also, it was a really good work day. But again, ran out of labels. I was doing normal-sized trains on another floor. Since that floor in question is much easier to pick on than 'my' floor, I know I hit the number I am supposed to pick for the night. But since it wasn't on my floor, I don't know that it counts. However, he didn't say WHICH floor I had to get my 600 from..... Ah well. I might do another 4-hour shift on Wednesday or something for extra practice. When I intercepted my aunt, I talked to her about my concerns about the 'two weeks', and 'go time'. She suggested I wait until Nathan says something to me again about being slow, then I can ask him where the person was that he said would help me. I really hope it doesn't come to that though. (Lisa still maintains that they've never fired anyone for not reaching prod, but I think it can only go so far.)

Mom or anyone else hasn't seen my new hair yet. I wonder what they will say/do when they do see it. Fun stuff. I guess I had better start trying to sleep....

Music Teacher to the Core ...?

2008-11-02T08:45:00.004-05:00

A little while ago I was asked by my neighbour-across-the-street to give her girl a clarinet lesson. When we finally decided on a day and time, she cancelled on me last minute because my 'student' woke up with a cold. It was left at "we'll arrange another time, then", and I didn't expect to hear anything from them for a few weeks at least.

Apparently neighbourlady decided that last night was a good time to not only decide on a new date, but to have me over that night (I didn't sense I had an option when she called, it's difficult to say no to that one). And now, not only was I to teach the clarinetist, I was to teach the flutist (?) too. At the same time. Neighbourkids are twins. I was worried about dividing my time fairly, but it wasn't a huge deal in the end thankfully because one knew more of what they were doing than the other anyway. Flute needed to learn all her fingerings for one scale as well as Mary Had A Little Lamb. Clarinet needed to hit the top two notes on her scale (it IS trickier than it probably sounds) and work on tone. I was able to teach them both everything they needed (and therefore am very proud of myself... I didn't know if I was going to be able to fix everything I wanted). I could see their hands and jaws were getting sore so I was even able to convince their parents to not force them to practice more, since that's what they were starting to do. Bad idea, that. But, I was incredibly proud of myself for being able to instruct them so effectively, and proud of them for learning it all! Hoorah!

Uhrm.... I'm going to end this here. I began this entry over 12 hours ago, and now I completely forget what I was going to add to it. But I do have another one to write..... it will have to wait until I've had sleep.

Something is Amiss..

2008-10-30T01:05:00.002-04:00

So finally I get my chance to rant about Week-Thus-Far. I was going to do this right after I got in Monday, but I suppressed The Urge in favour of dismissing it as a Bad Day. Alas, it has been a terrible week. I don't know that any one thing did it, but a whole bunch of unpleasant things have occurred.

Monday fell far below my expectations. I actually made use of my notes so that I could rant about it later/now. A-ha. Good show I wrote these things down or I'd have forgotten them. Firstly, the guy that started in RP after Lisa and I 'graduated' before we did. Do you know why? No you don't. I will tell you. It's because he doesn't clean up after himself (which means when you take the last of a product out of a box for your own boxes, you throw it up on the top conveyor), which makes us that much slower. I wonder if someone tipped him off to do that, or if he's just being an average male. Oh! Next... somehow I keep getting the wrong labels for the side I'm on. It happened again that night, and I was stuck with the Mammoth Cart, which meant I had to run it down to the end of the aisle, and steer it around to the other side, being careful to not get hit by a forklift. WELL some dumb maintainance guy left a ladder in the way, so I had to plan a bit of a longer route. Almost didn't make it through with that cart, just cause of its length.
At this point already, I am super frustrated, which makes me work slower. Then I get a headache which slows me down even more. All this makes for quite a bit of stress, and that's not the motivational kind. This possibly stems from a poor sleeping schedule, which results in not taking my medication as I should, which results in poor sleeping schedule.... on and on it goes. Oh, there was also a product 1) whose box would not fit properly in the shelves so that I couldn't reach it or remove it because of its height 2) that did not fit in any box except the very largest, and even then it did not fit all that I had to send off. That's three swaps for like no reason. Possibly that makes no sense to anyone else, but that made me so frustrated I wanted to run away screaming.

Then Tuesday, which is always a productive day for me, totally sucked as well. Since I didn't write anything down I can't remember much, except for a headache that threatened to tear my eyes out, occasional pains that were intense enough to keep me moving for a few seconds, and being incredibly paranoid that Nathan was going to be walking up the aisle to ask me why I am not working as fast as I usually am able to. Just thinking about the past 2 days at work and other various disappointing things (it all snowballs when it's just me and the boxes, a lot of time to think and be bitter) made me so ....hm... ashamed? that I can't do better than what I have so far. As a result, any time I went to the 'desk' at the front of the tower to hand shorts (what we call the assignments that couldn't be fully completed due to lack of available product) in and Nathan was there, I refused to look up as I usually do for fear he would say something. At the end of that shift, though, as I was putting my equipment in my tiny locker, he motioned for me to come over and asked why I was "all business" handing in shorts. Now, when I am speaking to someone I am not entirely comfortable with, I fidget tons and screw up my words. I think what I told him is that I feel really badly about not being able to do better. What I really wanted to tell him is that I am, in fact, ashamed of the amount of work I am able to get done. In any case, I must have looked as I felt, because Nathan then said next time I'm in that he would send someone to work with me, to watch my routine to see if there's a part that's really slowing me down and I don't realize it. Very nice of him.

Today was alright, just that I didn't take a break for the 4 hours I was there and I was hungry. I was actually mad this time, too. Nothing work related. Just people stressing me out. Rather, two in particular. One is pretty much suicidal, and it's really frightening me. I don't know what to say or do to convince him of any good. And the other.... hard to explain, but there's just something missing when we speak recently that makes things difficult, and it all sorta built up today and became upset at him. Not cool. I don't like being upset at people. I've just got a lot of confusing things running around in my head, all of them depressing, most of them me blaming myself for lots.

Rantend. Congratulations if you read the entire thing, haha.

Cookie Party!

2008-10-27T00:49:00.004-04:00

Even though it's 12:40, I should still be at work. It's getting really busy now, what with Christmas coming and all. (You thought stores were bad for having stuff early? How do you think it makes us feel having to ship it even earlier?) I had told Nathan I'd stay at least one extra hour of overtime and then see how I feel after that, since I couldn't just say no. He has found a sort of 'puppy-dog look' that he uses to coerce people into staying extra hours, much to my disgust haha. However, at around 11, there was a sharp pain all over my left leg and it even started shooting up my entire left half. As walking was difficult anyway, I had to cancel my overtime for the night. Not to mention I was slow again anyway. I think Sundays are always like that because I'm forced awake and out of the house so danged early. To make up for my slowness and lack-of-overtime, I'm going in 9pm-12am on Thursday.

In spite of that, and before it anyway, was a cookie party planned! Lisa and I had been on break for a few minutes already, nomming away on our dinnersnacks, and she had the idea that we 4 (us, Nena and Tracey) should bring in some Christmas baking to share with each other one Sunday on break. Somehow my birthday came up, so that is the agreed day! How convenient that I should be working on my 20th birthday. Terrible. But at least I will have some cookies! The other 3 are all jealous because they are more than twice my age. A little weird, yes, but I take what I can get. ...I'm kidding. I know that was mean. [Oh, and the party seating issue has been resolved. The number isn't odd anymore dince Auntie needed a table, and someone had a group of 4 that also needed space. Hooray!]

Today it was brought to my attention that I am 'motherly'. At least, that's the impression I was given from a conversation today....
Sylvr: "no grinninggg"
F: "Yes mom... *sniffles*"
Sylv: "why does everyone[*] call me that on here :O??"
S: "GEEZ"
F: "xD"
S isnt that old :(
S laughs
F: "poor you.."
B: "you don't have to be old... you just have to be a mother-like figure :P"
S: "I'm not a mother-like figure...."
S: "I'm too little XD"
F: "i call everyone that orders me to do things mom.."
S: "ew I'm not motherly am I?"
B: "you are like the mother i always wanted :) kind, caring, and understanding :D"
------ ['everyone' is only a certain group of friends, of which I happen to be the oldest. Also, my height gets made fun of]

I know those are nice qualities and all, but I don't think I want to be seen as motherly... bah I don't know.

Oh well. Time for bed.

I love Tuesdays....

2008-10-22T01:47:00.003-04:00

... because they are like Fridays for me! Last workday of the week! Woo! That aside...

By [not so/somewhat] popular demand, I am finally writing something again. It's not that I dont like doing this, but I just never seem to get to it. But the more I leave writing, the less I want to 'get it over with' because it feels like there is way more to think through than there is. All the unimportant stuff gets forgotten anyway. Hmm... it feels like I've written more than I actually have. This could be because I am typing with one hand because I am somewhat reclining because I am tired. Enter: pins-and-needles in the left hand! Bleh.

The few things that stick out as mention-worthy to me are short (in my head, anyway), so I can get them out there and sleep.

I want to get this first thing out before I lose what I'm trying to say due to the speed of my one-handed typing. (No! I refuse to sit up and type properly!) The people involved know who they are, they will probably see this entry.... and I just want to say that I wish they had never gotten me involved. I hate having to choose sides, and I think you're both right yet both wrong at the same time. The whole issue itself is ridiculous, and today it managed to create a bit of a divide in AGStickam. I think that should be enough of a hint that it's gone far enough. Be men and sort this out properly, because at this point I am reluctant to show up to Stickam while I have a chance to be ranted at. I also don't want this to interfere with the game I am lending my voice to...

Now that that's out of the way, Christmas Party! The one relating to work! I was, to my surprise, able to apprehend a ticket! However, I did not apprehend anyone to take with me. I don't actually want anyone going with me, simply because I'm just too darned awkward. Unfortunately, the sheet for table arrangements says "you must have 10 people on this list...", so basically I am ruining the entire table. Well I know I am not really, I just don't know if it can be accepted, this incomplete sheet. I also heard a story, from my boss himself, how he got so drunk last year that he started having a dance-off against himself. Kind of eliminates the need for respect, doesn't it? Hee hee...

Speaking of work, I still haven't hit the magic '600' yet. Even though I'm getting closer each time, it's just frustrating all the same. Two nights in a row (this and last) something concerning labels has occurred beyond my control. Tonight it was that there simply wasn't enough work! All the same, I got to 505. I know I could have done 100 more picks had I the chance. Oh well, next week...

My visit with Em was pretty uneventful, other than that her roomie is Really Bad. I can't quite say how bad, because I don't want to violate any language rules on here or anything. In any case, it's bad enough that Em has talked to the Residence Powers That Be about it, I should hear about it on Friday. I must know the outcome! It's like a really silly reality show or something. Ick.

Oh, and I got casts made of my feet for orthotics. I should have them in 3 weeks. If they don't work.... well I don't think I want the surgery. The doctor really wanted me to take a look at a vid of the procedure, so I'll check it out after I post this. Actually, you can all look. I got sort of grossed out just looking at it.

Well, I think that's all the prevalent information. I am too tired to decide if there's any more,

Oh, and Indie: No more drunken French language butchering. Ha ha ha.

Working at the un-Speed of Sound

2008-10-07T01:17:00.003-04:00

Uhh.. headache. The kind where my eye is strained and I can't use it. But I want to write anyway! (Dedication? Stupidity.) Work, while progressing at a moderate pace,
still isn't going as well as I'd have liked. It turns out I misunderstood Nathan a bit. When he said '800 picks', I thought that was a total thing. No, apparently it's supposed to be '800 picks in one night', which is quite ridiculous. Actually, today he lowered it from 700 to 600. (So now I know he is just making numbers up). It's still going to be tricky. Let's see if I can calculate how fast I would need to work...mmm... just under 1.5 a minute? It seems pretty possible, but that was calculated with no bathroom breaks, travel time, or box-swap time. I guess it would probably be at least 2/min, then. Still maybe possible, if I don't blank out in the middle. Soo... I guess that makes it "impossible". Hooray! Or, I just get a stronger dosage of mah meds, which needs to happen anyway.

That being said, as of Friday, I officially have ADHD-combined type. That means I have both the innatentive AND the hyperactive type. Nathan knows about that now, so therefore he also knows why I work so darned slowly sometimes. [Seriously, today, at one point I only did 1 pick in 40 minutes. I don't know how that happened. I know where 20 mins went, not 40. Geez.] On the other hand, hyper kicks in a few times/night and I do good work. I can't control it, however. Perhaps I should bring along some caffeine.

I was supposed to be accompaning The Viking (aka Ed) to visit the high school tomorrow (uhh today, I guess), but he bailed out because of too much homework. That was nice of him, to invite me along on his visit. He also wanted some catch-up time. That's fine too, I just don't know what I would say to him. He always intimidated me a tiny bit, but again, nice that he wanted to catch up with me. Another time, I guess.

Umm.. I thought I had more, or perhaps I thought the above would take longer to write. In any case, I will stop this now and get to sleep.

Maybe I'll write my next entry in [horrible] French. Because I can.

Quick! Empty Your Thoughts!

2008-10-02T23:05:00.001-04:00

As the title implies, I do have to do this quickly. I wonder how many times I will get distracted. The reason for this is that I have to be up and ready earlier than I was today because I have a very important meeting at 2pm. Tomorrow is the day I go back to Mr. Psychiatrist and I find out the results from the previous appointment. I am excited, because Mom and I will finally have some answers, but also nervous because I really don't have much of an idea as to what they are. I just now had to pause a few seconds and just stare off into nothing. I don't know if it had to do with the rate at which I just typed (what's the speed of sound, anyone?) or just thoughts about tomorrow, but whatever.

On a somewhat more positive note, and after a few tears the day after my previous entry(? in any case I am speaking of Tuesday), I knew I had to come up with a better strategy at work. Blogging inspired this one: one of the main reasons I do this is so I can empty my mind before I sleep, so I don't have EVERYTHING that I am trying to sort out playing itself over and over and over and over in my mind. Worst part of that is the unpleasant memories or 'what if's that enjoy taunting me. It was in a rare flash of inspiration and wisdom that I discovered a significant amount of the reason I work a bit more slowly, and it's the same reason why I can't get to sleep easily a lot of times. I just have too much I am thinking about at once. I keep playing back the stuff in my head at work because I don't want to forget to do something with it, whether it's something I need to say to someone at home, or it's something I want to blog. So, since I can't drag my laptop and USB all over creation or work, I remembered to find and now bring along a small notebook so that I can quickly write down a word or two of what I am thinking about so that I can forget about it for the moment and re-focus on what it is I am supposed to be doing. I don't know if it's against the rules or anything, but I really think this is going to help me.

I haven't taken a look at what I wrote from work on Tuesday, so let's see what we have here... Oh no.. You know, using a laptop literally does not lend itself well to having to get up to retrieve things. Alright, here we go:

Ah.. the first point was to remind myself to have another look at a site that offers some general interest courses. I did that tonight, and saw a few things, but I was too wound up to really focus on it. I must have another look. The second point took me a while to remember what it was about, but it was a friendly reminder to get back to drawing the room I was working on. No no, nothing for a game, but I've started [attempting] drawing again. I find it relaxing. The third point was a mention to mention the notebook itself in a blog entry. Looks like I can check that off my list. Ah.. this fourth one is one to note for myself. It reads "stress to the point of nausea". Indeed, for roughly an hour and a half I was so stressed about job performance that I felt like I might be nauseous. I realized later that it was adrenaline. I also discovered that I can generate enough at once to get a good chunk of the work done. However, I do not think that is a healthy way to maintain that rate of work. I've found a way to easily monitor how much I am doing, though. I ask the Talkman "How much more?" refering, of course, to the amount of things I still have to pick for that task. Then I note the time and write them both down. I do the same thing every 15 minutes or so to make sure I am keeping a good and constant pace. It works well. Anyway... the next point indicates that I was quite sure I beat quota for the first 2 hours! Yay me! I didn't make official calculations after that, but I do know I was working well. I think I need some sort of reward/incentive system to help me keep all this in place. And the last point brings both laughter and horror to mind: while I was finishing off a task, I wasn't sure which size box I would need to fit all the stuff in. First I tried out the smallest box, but rather than tape up the bottom just in case it didn't work out, I just opened the box to see if it would close nicely on top. To my surprise it did, so I taped the top and sent it off. However, I realized over 2 hours later that I had, in fact, forgotten to turn the box back over and tape the bottom. Oooops! So it either survived the 7 miles of conveyor and got to the Pallet Build section and exploded there, or managed to fall over and explode whilst on the line and perhaps stop it. Brilliant me. I have done the test-before-you-tape thing before, but this was the first time I forgot to tape the bottom before it was too late. I don't suppose I will hear about it, though. I am sure I am not the first to do that.

Just a few more thoughts... then sleepytime.

Yesterday was paintballing. While enjoyable, it is also somewhat painful. I survived with 2 welts. I got shot in the mouth twice. How the paint got through my helmet and into my mouth I will never understand. The one time, though, it was all over my chin. Being that the paint was white... well anyway, I washed it off pretty quickly. There is not much that tastes as bad as paint + laundry soap. My only real main complaint is that it's so darn difficult to tell who is on your team. All in all it was a lot of fun.

The reason I was so wound up and could not focus on that general-interest-course-info (excuse me for backtracking, I was on a roll) was because I was rather willingly 'injecting' myself into a new social situation, and was therefore pretty nervous about it. Like, I was feeling rather weak-legged all day. I did discover one of those times I was really conscious of it was because I was hungry and it was lunchtime, but that is besides the point. Anyway, yes. I am always afraid of social happenings. But I actually enjoyed myself, and I mean to continue attending. No one there thinks I am strange-- yet. Actually, I shouldn't say that and thereby force it upon myself for next time. We shall see what happens.

Final thought, though not the happiest thing afore sleep. I'm feeling a significant amount of pressure from friends lately. (Ye Stickam-ers! Be paranoid not! This has nothing to do with you, if any of you reading this might have felt it did) It seems I hear about everyone's problems, but lately now I don't know what to tell them. As always, I would love to help them out and over the situation, but I have no words. Perhaps I'm just tired of hearing about the same tirades (wait, isn't that what I do here? Apologies.), or maybe it's that nobody listens to what I advise them to do. I just do not know. Neither do I know what to do with "I don't have anything to live for", which I heard today. What do I do with that? It might be just Teen Angst, but at the same time I do not wish to just dismiss it because I know how I felt/it might really be serious. But at the same time this is one of those things where I do not know how to advise. I will see how they feel next time I communicate with them. It's so frustrating being in these situations.

Stickens August '09! Yeah!

Ahem.... farewell.

Working at Warehouse Woes

2008-09-30T01:13:00.001-04:00

These past two days at work have actually been pretty tough for me. I don't know why suddenly I'm having a harder time, but I guess it's just a combination of a whole bunch of things. As always, my feet do tend to cause me trouble because I end up walking more slowly and apparently I have a bit of a limp, too. And then there's lack of focus; I could be zoning out a considerable amount of times and never realize it. The two of those make up my main worry: Not being able to keep up with the amount I am supposed to pick. I mean, I've already been transfered once, what else could possibly happen that doesn't involve me losing another job? That has me stressed much, but Chuck, the guy who trained me on Repack, reminded me that I've just started in that department, so prod(uctivity) isn't a huge deal yet. Talking to him made me feel somewhat better about it, but I fear that I just *won't* get any faster, at least until my feet (and mayhaps focus?) are taken care of.

Also, someone has swiped my lunch bag. Have I previously complained about this? I can't remember and I don't want to hunt through the last entry to find out. Anyway, someone with an identical lunch bag to mine must have mistaken mine for theirs. I know there IS an identical one; I saw it in the fridge. That was yesterday, of course, so today I figured they might have realized their mistake and I would perhaps find it in the fridge today. No such luck, as the 'fake' lunchbag was only there again. I might report it with the Loss Prevention team (aka Security), but I don't know what they can really do other than hark to my "If anyone turns in a lunchbag.....", but I guess it's better than nothing.

I am sure I previously mentioned that Lisa was also moving from Full Case to Repack with me. I had been looking forward to the Sunday of last week, which would be our first day there together. I was disappointed to hear from Nathan that she was sick. So on the Sunday of this week, we were in full swing in our aisle and she comes to me and says "You know how I was sick on Sunday, right? Well it's cause I got so stoned on the weekend." It was so funny to me because she's old enough to be my mother, but she's talking about getting stoned like she's some wild college girl. Hehe. She and I are trouble together. It's nice to have someone that I can sorta 'pal around' (as Mom would say) with. I'm also getting to know the co-workers in this new department too, which is nice.

The other sad thing about Sunday is that I found out I had been scheduled for an MHE Theory ClaSS. I don't know what MHE means (Moving Heavy Equipment?), but you need that class to be trained on the various forklifts. Being signed up for such a class is a great thing, UNLESS THE POSTER LETTING YOU KNOW ABOUT IT GOES UP ON A DAY YOU DON'T WORK! Seriously! According to Nena, who was also scheduled, the poster went up Wednesday and the class was on Thursday. I was a bit frustrated with that, what with me going on about how I want to learn about forklifts. Silly management. I hope they don't count that as me having no interest.

While I was stressing about the above (applicable) things, I managed to deal myself a rather painful cardboardcut. Like a papercut, but cardboard always seems to hurt more. On top of that, I think I'm catching a cold or something. Naturally, I don't feel all that cheery right now. I can really use a good night's sleep.

Lastly, terrible me was not aware of the anniversary number of my parents. I had a peek at the cards in the kitchen, which told me that next year is 25! I know that's a significant amount of time. I also know that people tend to have parties for this kind of thing. Is it the responsability of Emily and I? I know it's a year away, but ack! I have no idea about these things! And it's also one of those rare times I can't really ask Mom about it. I'll ask Auntie I guess when I feel a bit better.

Goodnight.

Untitled

2008-09-29T17:02:00.001-04:00

The cat--I mean-- the laptop is out of the bag. Thank you, Mother, for opening my bedroom door sans knock. Turns out she knew about it the night before anyway because she saw the blue charging light under my bed. She wasn't even mad about the whole thing, though she did call it all deception. I see her point, but I still get internet on here... that is, when I see Dad so he can allow my computer into the home network. That won't be till Wednesday unless something bizarre happens.

Oh, and Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad.

Introducing the Earthquake of Monumental Change

2008-09-28T14:30:00.000-04:00

I can't settle on one perfect title, so I just threw down that one. I can't settle my brain enough to make my mind up. I guess I had better get on with this, right?

For various and personal reasons that I do not think right to disclose on here without permission, Auntie Beth will very most likely be moving in with us. Like, she is having a garage sale really soon, and Mom and Dad are seriously thinking of how she will fit in. Livingwise, I mean. She would have to go to the basement, which is only half-finished. Not to mention there's no door really. So alteration (and much sped-up-ed-ness) of the plans. Also, the basement is our gaming centre! All the games might move to Em's room, since she's only here on the weekend, but there's still so much that's uncertain. As it is, she might not even agree to it. Not cause she hates us of course, but.. we'll find out soon, since she's over now. It will be a pretty big adjustment for us all. She and Mom are quite close, but sometimes they can really get to each other. Having them live in the same house will only amplify that.

Other change: In the discussion of "where the heck are we gonna move the necessary furniture", I suddenly remembered to ask about taking care of the internet timing so that I can get on before Wednesday. I had been about to leave, expecting a "sure whatever, I'll ask your father later" sort of thing, but she called me back to sit down and said something along the lines of "you've really been doing much better this last month or so! You're complaining less and getting things done and taken care of more and more by yourself. You've been eating better and losing weight..." [Thank you, work!!] And concluded with "I think we can definitely start to leave the internet on all the time." I would like to just say "= Win". I chanced "If I have a laptop, can I have 'net on there, too?" "You don't have money for a laptop." [Little do you know... well I guess I have to come clean at some point, right?]

So yeah, there you have it. I hear the Sounds of Leaving, so I soon must ask Mythr the outcome. I'm excited to know.

EDIT: So she said no initially, because she doesn't want to ruin the relationship between her and Mom. But she's now thinking about it, because if she's stuck she'll have nowhere else... I foresee that she will be coming here, but either way she's not moving till Winter.

A New 'Member' of the Family

2008-09-27T23:36:00.000-04:00

So finally I have my laptop. It's what I'm typing this on, actually. It's nice to have something that really is my own now. I just wish I could connect it to the internet. In all, though, I'm happy with it. Hooay! Excuse if I ramble, tonight after I got home from the surprise party for my neighbour, I was in one of my really weird over-restless moods. Was making me crazy, I had to get out of the house. Might be due in part to the fact that I am trying out my medication again. It was almost in a flash of spontanaeity that I bought the laptop, but not the same kind as the time with the Wii. Under guise of getting rent money (yes I am now paying rent..ick), I took Dad's car and then...yeah! Was a task getting it upstairs, and as of now still no one knows. Ooh I haven't even done anything with the rent money. Tomorrow. But at least now I feel way more relaxed.

The party went well, though I was somewhat at a loss for the first hour or so because Em couldn't come. Work and all. I didn't want to randomly go down to the basement where Meg disappeared to and be like "Hey kids!" so I sort of awkwardly followed various family members around until Taylor, the birthday-guy's daughter, asked if I would like to join them. I just don't mix well with adults; my mannerisms are awkward and weird. Turned out to be a fun time. There was Meg, the two neighbour's kids, 2 other neighbourhood kids I knew a bit, and various friends and family. I did feel pretty comfortable by the end, I only wish I was more comfortable with adults. I delighted in the munchies.

Probably now I wish to dart downstairs and aquire my USB so I can get my programs on here. I aim to get some decent coding practice and lines recorded now that I have some sweet privacy with it. Not to mention portability! I only have to wait for Space to get the next batch of lines to me. [Seriously, Space, no rush. I know you're busy..]

Tomorrow be work, and probably no internet until Wednesday again, just because of how timing works. I really should ask Dad to please fix it again; I don't know what happened to the lovely settings we had before. I don't want to feel 'trapped' though, feeling that I have to get up and on the computer before 9am just to get on the internet.

All this talk about awkward social interations (on my part) puts me in mind of Stickens. I'm pretty sure anyone who chances upon my ramblings knows what Stickens is, or 'will be' I guess is the more appropriate term. I'm worried now that I'm gonna act all weird--I mean--'normal social' for me, and to that end I don't want to freak anyone out cause I'm strange. Like they thought I was a different way all along but now the 'real' me isn't what they expected. Grah.

I guess that's it for now, but now of course if I remember something that comes up and bothers me (all the time, actually,) I can get it off my chest right away finally. Awesome.

Long Live Repack!

2008-09-23T03:50:00.000-04:00

I was quite nervous on Sunday, because that was to be the first day of working in a new department. I at least had the Full Case experience, which kind of helped. Even so, it felt like I was completely back at square one because Repack is pretty different from what I had imagined. Instead of just talkman and headset, now I get a cool laser. It's actually called a 'wrist scanner', but it actually feels like I'm working with an IV stuck in my hand. It's probably easiest (for me) if I explain Repack by outlining the whole process:
1) Find an empty cart
2) Flip each label book to the first label past the header and stick the book in the holder-slot-thing
3) "Build train" by scanning each label in order, then say "Ready"
4) Go to location, scan shelf, pick requested number of item, deposit in requested box(es)
5) Seal box when full, put label on, make new box
6) Repeat steps 2-5
There's also some 'swaps' that get done (when the box is full but the assignment isn't done), and that process took me forever to understand. Nathan and the guy who trained me say I caught on really fast. I wasn't expecting it to be so much of a process, though. So far I've only dealt with the housewares aisle, which everyone I've talked to says it's the worst. I can see why, those stupid towels take up so much room in the boxes. Towels and kitchen stuff. The second floor is candy-stuff, as far as I know. I haven't been to the third and fourth floors yet. I was also most glad to learn that Lisa is also being moved to Repack! Hooray! Too bad I only see her once a week; most everyone in FC works Sunday. It will be nice to see
a familiar face because it somehow feels like a whole different place of work in the repack tower (B). At least FC and Repack's breaks are at the same time.

Speaking of break, I was most surprised when I went for my first. I was not supposed to see my aunt in there, because she is to be finished her break just as we are to start ours. So she's sitting at the table, and she does not look well at all. Turns out she is having trouble breathing, which she attributes to the food she ate at my house the day before (like Emily, she can't eat wheat). I think the end result was that she went home, because the red light was on, and the 'injury' was written as "breathing". I wish they had told me what happened. Red light means off-site treatment was required, yellow means injury was treated on-site, and green means no injuries or incidents in the past 24 hours. I hope she's okay.

So yeah, I think that's it. I'm liking repack a lot more than full case, if I hadn't already mentioned that (It's 12:48am, give me a break!), but I just wanted to get that out.

Slight Change of Job

2008-09-17T19:49:00.000-04:00

Where have I been? With the wii. Wii-ing. Not Wee-ing... geez.

Long story short, job is changing. My prod(uctivity) has been really low the past few days due to ridiculous foot and back pain. Makes me really slow. Not to mention my mind wanders whilst working. So yesterday, Nathan approached me and asked if I would like to move to Repack. It's similar to Full Case, except "like shopping". Basically I would have 3 boxes, and the Talkman tells me what to get and how many of them. When box is full, I just push the box onto the conveyor. Yay new things! Yay no lifting! I'm so glad that I didn't get 'terminated', like... you have no idea. I'm just so used to bosses telling me they aren't pleased with my work and getting rid of me. Nathan simply said "I know you can work, I just think repack would be a better place for you based on your skills." Haa skills. You don't need many of those where I am. Interestingly enough, all the Team Leaders are moving around too, so effectively, Nathan is moving to repack and taking me with him.

Here is where I say "mean things" about Em. [She sort of requested it?? I didn't understand that one.] Done.

Shortest entry ever, I can't think of anything else to speak of.

EDIT: I forgot to mention something slightly amusing, but since it's at the bottom of the entry no one will see it. So I was eating dinner outside at work the other day, and I hear someone that sounds eerily like Progz. I turn around and it's some black dude. Weird.

Illegal Wii

2008-09-05T09:31:00.000-04:00

Have you ever heard the one about the illegal Wii? Neither have my parents. More on that later.

This, for now, is my new way to blog. I know it's been a while; I still blame the lack of my own computer (privacy issue). My plan, as I hope is evident, is to write entries by hand and then post them as pictures. [Edit: Obviously it didn't work-- yet].

It's been rather interesting around here as of late. A few weekends ago was the church camping trip. Most of the congregation pulled together their gear and we headed up north to a provincial park. Although we couldn't stay with the rest of the group due to our tent-trailer, we still had tonnes of fun at the beach and hanging around the site. Most notable events were the 'adventures' with the tandem bicycle and the actual church service we held-- the latter because I was essentially forced to get up and help lead the singing at the front. Ack!

Last week, Mom and I visited a psychiatrist for me. It proved to be most educational. It was actually two different doctors that did 'tests' on me, and though they didn't reach any conclusions yet, the main guy mentioned possible anxiety, which I had never considered, but it makes sense. I go back on October 1st. Until then, I have like 3 booklets to fill out, asking lots of questions. I don't even like to think about it because it's so repetitive, not to mention depressing.

The online game I've been playing around with, Puzzle Pirates, has recently become fun again. The other day I made the enormous decision to change crews (trust me, more important that it sounds. The details are complicated), and so far I am loving it. I'm fitting right in, which is fun. At the same time, I wish things were still
the way they were. My old group of pirates basically doesn't exist anymore. A few are grounded from their computers, some have broken computers, but mostly they just seem to not talk to each other anymore. Sad how times have changed, so I can't help but feel nostalgic lately.

I guess I should get to the Wii now, right? A few days ago was a terrible day. I had one of those moods where if the slightest thing bugs me, I am not happy the rest of the day. (Believe me, I hate it. But I can't snap out of it.) I guess it got by the end of the day to the point that I could have exploded with rage because I was so down on myself. I could not find one single thing I liked. It really is just so much frustration at myself for not feeling at all normal. But the *one* thing I did find positibe about myself is that now I have a bit of decent money now. Yay job! In my rage, I had to leave the house. I ended up at Best Buy, where I suddenly had this wicked idea to buy a wii (it came down to actually being able to have something tangible 'good' about myself), even though I know it wasn't the greatest decision at the time. Thankfully I was able to smuggle it into the house undetected. Later that night mom wanted to have a talk with me, and she mentioned how I wanted a Wii. She ended up saying that she does not want one in the house at all now because "your sisters get too distracted". 1) There's really only *one* sister here now. 2) Once the newness wears off, it's the same--but better--as a Gamecube! I made the risky decision to divulge the secret to Meg, who immediately ran around the room in a fit of job. I explained that she can tell no one, but more importantly that she must do all her chores as soon as she is asked = not distracted! After a week of this I plan to talk to dad about it, who still (to me) has not expressed disapproval over it. Tonight, Mom commissioned me to accompany her on a walk to a grocery store. I was certain she was going to bring up something awkward, or worse yet "Why is there a Wii under your bed??" Thankfully neither of those happened, but who do we see walking down the street twards us is my grade 7 science teacher and her friend that I don't know but mom seems to. End result: I might end up teaching trumpet to the friend's husband!! Aaah! I've never taught an adult before. I know nothing about doing that, and I explained so. So we shall see.

I think I've covered everything I wanted to, plus my hand is getting sore. I should probably get to sleep, since a new year of Sunday School is starting and I was specially requested by one of the teachers (not mom!) to come help out. Should be fun enough.

Goodnight.

Appeasing The Conveyor Gods

2008-08-27T05:43:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I am writing at 2:17am, but here goes anyway.

It will be increasingly difficult to write for this, as I usually do that in the privacy of my own room, at night. Since Em's gone off to university, she's had to take the computer that was our 'internet computer'. Guess whose computer got moved? You're right! Mine! Though apparently it wasn't even 'mine' to begin with. So yeah, I will update when I can.

The past few days of work have been going by pretty quickly, actually. Even when the thing I am lifting isn't so great, I could look at my watch after and wonder where the time has gone.

There are a few new characters:

Tracy - the next 'new person'. Middle-aged. Nice, gets along with Nena well. Been here about two weeks
CBM - Creepy Brown Man. I am not sure of his name. He has had two shifts so far.
Steve - not a new character, I just don't think I mentioned him before. I lied about there being no one close to my age, he is 2 years older.

There is nothing really significant about Tracy at this point, but she's working all the same days I do. However, CBM is sort of annoying. Or was, anyway. It was a busier day than usual and Tom didn't yet have time to train him with the Talkman. Because of that I got a labeling helper. I appreciated the help, but that soon wore off. CBM being new, he wasn't familiar with the practice of labeling. Not only did he not wait for me to get the box on the line before putting a label on, if I was having the slightest bit of trouble lifting a box or getting boxes to slide down their line, he would make some sort of hand motion as if to say "I will get it for you" and take over. Geez, what is that? He thinks I can't do anything? Or maybe he's just trying to be nice. At least he lifted all the pallets for me. I finally got rid of him when Tom gave me a new assignment. A bit mean, I guess, but it got CBM to stop waving at me all the time. Pleh.

Now, the one [well not quite ONLY one] person I don't mind helping me with labels is Steve. He has been working here for a year, so he knows the tricks. He even stealthily retrieved the best books for me. I don't know what it was, but we worked really well together. Ooh ooh ooh and also he is a band nerd!! We discussed as far as he went to the same highschool that the honour band I was a part of for two years was held at. He was actually in the band two years before the two that I was in it. I haven't talked to a band nerd in so long. I am most disappointed that he quit for another school year. Fortunately he says he will be coming back in january. Yay music nerds!

Reminds me, now Tom and Bob know I play the trumpet. Bob was oddly impressed by it. They both bug me with "so when you gonna bring your trumpet in? Gonna call the break?" Haha yeah right!

Oh also, as per my aunt's instruction, I have asked Nathan about learning to drive a forklift and he says he will put me on the waiting list. It must be popular.

Remember how a while ago I said I tend to imagine things a lot? Get a bit into my own little world at work? I have already started. This time, it's something like sacrificing to the conveyor gods. I think this one will keep me on track. My goal is to have at least one box always on the line. I know, it sounds too simple, but it is useful when I am doing heavy or awkward boxes that I would normally take longer on, or when I am getting the next item. My 'punishment' is that I end up lifting a lot of empty pallets, just in the routine of the job. But I pretend. Am I insane? [I think a few of the people on my shifts think I am slightly retarded or something. Oh well.]

Uhm I think that is it. I must eat something. I will not include story of how some guy in the department came to help me at like 11. He was supposed to label but he decided to lift the boxes for me instead. How excellent, since this was a day I just was working so slowly [I tell you, it's because my feet kill! I must get special insoles or something!]. But then he was like "You're Beth's niece, right? How old are you?" Awkward.

Goodnight.

Sylvr and the Warehouse

2008-08-12T14:30:00.000-04:00

Good evening. I know, once again, it's been a while. Since my stupid internet cut on Monday evening (prematurely at that), Em and I are stuck. I may as well write. I also might have the chance to use my aunt's computer to post this. Yay!

I suppose I will introduce my 'latest' cast of characters, since I haven't written at all about work yet.

Sylvr: Me, obviously, but now in a warehouse! A real job!
Aunty Beth: Mom's sister. She works there too, but drives a forklift. I am jealous.
Nathan: My team leader. He was not there for my first 4 shifts. Seems a nice enough chap, but some team members don't like him.
Tom: Probably the second in command in our group. He showed me around in Nathan's absense and gives us our assignments. A middle-aged italian fellow who likes to joke around--sometimes awkwardly--lots.
Jason: An "almost 30" year old who started a day before me. He is probably the one that talks to me the most.
Nena: A Philipino woman with an accent that is sometimes hard to understand.
Bonni: Enjoys her drugs. A bit mouthy.
Toby: Creepy man. Not much else to say about him.
Bob: Also drives a forklift, but works with us more. Nice guy.

That's about it. Any one else I will discuss as they become important.

My first day was pretty strange, since I had never ever worked in a place like this. Thinking quickly, every job I have ever had except one involved children. It wasn't like this was my first time in that building; it was where I had my interview. I just did what I did before, wait at the security desk for someone to emerge. When I talked to the security guard to say that I was just starting today, horror upon horror! My name was not on the list! Fortunately Tom showed up presently and knew that I was starting today. I was shown the lunchroom (intimidating, like the school cafeteria for someone who has just moved and switched schools), the locker room, and of course the warehouse. It was there that we met up with Bonni. The nice thing that happened next was that my aunt happened to be driving her 'lift right there too, she came flying down the aisle to greet us. Tom was amused that we were related. (Turns out everyone knows everyone in there, including my aunt. Everyone likes her too.) I was introduced to a few people as "Beth's neice", sort of like it was a title.

Next, I was introduced to the Talkman. I've never heard of anything like this. Basically it's a sort of screenless console that clips onto a belt or goes in an apron. A headset attaches, and each employee has to be voicetrained into the system. Somehow, the Talkman keeps track of each person and assignment, and walks everyone through what they are working on. Location of item and how many of each are needed. And THEN somehow it corresponds with all the computers in the warehouse to keep track of what's been labeled and sent off and what hasn't. Crazy. But perfect for me, because when I get distracted or blank out, I can say "location" or "say again" and Talkman will oblige me with a location or last instruction, usually quantity. I also had to be instructed on HOW to put labels on. The box has to be at the lowest centre of gravity and lengthwise to prevent the box from falling, sliding, or otherwise causing the system to back up. The labels also have to be lengthwise on the box so that the layzars can read them and send them off to the correct pallet build aisle (I still don't understand how the boxes end up on the right one. I could watch the conveyor belt forever and still not get it).

I ended the day with a gigantic headache. Not because of noise or anything, probably just the amount of new information.

The first 3 shifts or so had mostly the same people working, so I assumed it would always be the same people. On Sunday (fourth shift), there were quite a few new faces. One of those was Justin, who is the only person I have met there who is (presumably) younger than me. We ended up being partnered up (one person puts things on the belt and the other slaps labels on at lightning speed) and were sent to the top floor of one of the towers. So let's see: three stories up, flooring is so that you can totally see through it (being steel shelves and all), and no safety railing behind the product. How else are forklifts supposed to get the product up there otherwise? I actually hurt my back that day because of the large amount of heavy boxes I had to lift. [Quick note: The bottom floor of the towers are easier to get boxes from because the forklifters have to take the boxes off the pallet and put them on the sloped belts individually. The second and third floors, the pallets are just lifted and put there with the boxes all still wrapped together with shrinkwrap, so you actually have to bend down and get those ones.] Seriously, I ended up with microwaves and 64 of those awkward cartons of soy beverage. Ouch. Not to mention the pallets themselves. When the last box is off a pallet, you are to lift it and take it to the pallet return slot. They weigh 80lbs roughly and are rather splintery. Basically an unpleasant inconvenience.

I showed up yesterday and saw no-one I recognized. Not even Tom was there. There were only a few people standing about, but I had never seen them before. I checked my watch to verify the right time and even the day of the week, but the people seemed to not even realize that I was confused. All that was said to me was something like "Good luck finding a headset in there, the other shift took them all." Fortunately everyone showed up. Unfortunately, this was also the day that I forgot to eat lunch. That's right, forgot. I know I ate breakfast. But I totally blanked on eating later. I had every intention, too. See, this was the first day that Mom, Dad and Meg ('Greta' requested a name change) were gone. Em and I took our 'emergency' money and went grocery shopping. We got back half an hour before I had to leave, and my brain was on nasty overload because I couldn't keep straight in my brain all the things I had to do before I left for work (key point: YOU CANNOT BE LATE!!). I guess lunch got pushed to the back of the list. It didn't enter my mind again till I was about halfway through the assignment, because I started feeling quite dizzy and somewhat nauseous. I was also blanking out far more than normal, forgetting what the Talkman said right after it said something. I had to use the shelves to pull myself up from looking at the lower shelves. I managed to finish the assignment and I went back to the front of the tower, where Bob was with his forklift unloading some more boxes. [When there are lotssss of an item to be shipped (like 205 flats of baked beans....), Bob will bring them down to the first floor conveyor and have someone help him label.] He ended paging Tom from wherever. Protocol usually says that the security guy/first aid has to come too, with a wheelchair. Fortunately there was no wheelchair, but the guy asked me a lot of questions. End result: I spent a lot of time in the first aid room, they told Aunty that I was ill, she came to visit me and we had our break and food together. Turns out my system was shutting down because of lack of food. Hooray for early breaks! I was fine for the rest of the night, but Tom was being cautious and didn't want me picking on my own. I was helping Nena label for a while, and when we finished, I somehow ended up on my own mini-assignment, checking for product in far away towers. Tom was like "Are you sure? you're not feeling sick? Okay, take these labels and call me if you feel sick at all. Don't be a hero!" (Don't know why he threw on that last part, but whatever.) It went fine, and I was almost going to stay some overtime to finish the assignment, but I started feeling weak again so I ended up home on time.

That is basically the summary of work so far, save for a 'sidequest'. (I know, you're probably whining something like "What? She's still going? Get a life!" Too bad!) Remember I mentioned that everyone, including the higher-ups love my aunt? She has it in so good that a few days ago she mentioned to her previous boss there that I need to change my hours. [I work 4pm-12am and that won't work in September because I won't have a way to get there. If I could work my aunt's hours, 3-11, she could drive me.] Boss said "sure, I could do that." Unfortunately, I would have to change jobs. I think I would get a wristlayzar. But I like where I am enough that I don't want to change. Especially with the talkman keeping me focussed! Then yesterday as I was heading to the main tower to start my shift, Aunty was in one of the other aisles on her forklift and waved me over. One of the things she told me was that she might be able to get me a truck!!!!!!! YAYYY! But I also need to get my eyes checked for that, which I need to do anyway. I love reaping the benefits of that, hahaha.

SooooOOoOoooo there is my story! Sorry it was so long, possibly the longest entry yet. It is really just the main stuff. I didn't talk about how I saw a forklift driving itself and how I thought I was going insane. (I swear, it really happened!) But that's a story for another time.

Encouragement Circles

2008-08-02T20:16:00.000-04:00

Today I was feeling like I needed a bit of 'nice words'. I decided to organize amongst my piratey friends what we called the "circle of love". Basically we took turns 'targeting' a person, and each of us would say something nice, like why we admire the person, or why they are our friend or something like that. In my opinion, people could be a lot more encouraging and affirming of each other, and this was a nice way to try that. It almost worked as planned; one of us refused to say something nice to someone else. I got annoyed and booted him. Fair enough, he doesn't want to be fake with his compliments, but I wish he could have tried. That is my thought for the day. (Might be nice to try on AGStickam.)

The Alone Diaries

2008-08-01T16:06:00.000-04:00

Mthyr and Fthyr have gone away for the weekend. Em is at work. Greta is at camp for her last day. So it's just me here all by myself. I've really not got much to do, so I figured I would write about whatever the heck I end up doing. So far, I have just conquered my laundry [in somewhat hope of finding my USB... no luck] and watched a lot of TV. I don't want to attempt the internet upstairs because if it cuts now, we are stuck for the weekend. Not to mention my sisters would kill me. Hey, I guess I could do some recordings for Project Cook, buuuuut not quite feeling it yet. I also mean to get out and *finally* get my phone today. I know exactly what I want, and dad said I could get it at any time. Actually, he also added something about "we need to budget!", but we will get there. I just want a phone.

I mean, especially after what happened yesterday: post-interview, Mom was supposed to pick me up. She said to meet her at the Tim Horton's basically nextdoor at 2:45. I finished a bit early, but headed over anyway since they can tend to be early. 15 minutes later, they hadn't shown up. I waited for another 30 minutes outside and then finally decided to start walking home. Problem was, I was wearing some pretty heavy jeans and I wasn't completely sure of my direction. Walking 15 minutes assured me of the right way, but it was getting a bit difficult to walk in such heavy pants. After half an hour Mom finally found me and drove me home. Really, how much of that could have been avoided if I had a phone? I didn't even have any music with me to listen to for the walk. I think I can justify the phone sans budget for now. It's actually going to be pretty cheap. Yay research!

I should check on the laundry. ...okay, aaaany minute now it will buzz. Perhaps in 3. Then I must fold it and put it away. Meanwhile, I will try and figure out in my head how to juggle all that I have to do, including pick Em up from work at 2. It's 10:46 now. And I hope I don't forget to get Greta from camp-- somehow it might happen. However, I don't think I will because I want to chill with some of my old campers. Seriously, like every single girl in Greta's cabin was in MY cabin last year. And I saw my fishing buddy [well one of them] from last year too. I hope they remember me. It's nice to be remembered. Can you tell that I am rambling because I have no one else to talk to? At least I have the TV to talk to me. [Pathetic. It's all good.]

Okay.. what the heck.. a few strange things just happened. 1) My laundry prediction was dead-on. I went back to check and it buzzed right away. 2) Freaking USB was in the freaking laundry. I checked ALL the pockets of ALL my pants, but I found it with the lanyard-thing looped around some underwear. Go figure. So that's the second time it's been through the wash. At least it still works, right? Folding time.

Aaaaand back. Rather weak-kneed. I did get my phone [it's so pretty. I love it], aaaaand I also have TWO jobs!!!! GAAH!! Harmony Logistics [yess, that's the forklift job] wants me now, too! The boss-lady there just called. YAY YAY YAYYYY!!!! The only problem now is what/how do I tell Swiss Chalet no now? They have ordered my uniform and everything. Thankfully I am not to go in 'till Thursday, so I have some time to think. Wait.. not much time at all! Harmony wants me on Monday! And this weekend they would like me to come in and fill out some paperwork. I tried calling Dad and my aunt to tell them the good news, but no one was around. I can't sort it out in my head, and the whole effort/good-ness of this is making it difficult to type. It looks like I am hireable after all!!!

A Pack of Puzzle Pirate Parties

2008-07-31T19:04:00.001-04:00

Dear All:

I have misplaced my USB. This means that posting will be more difficult, albeit shorter.

I will start off with the first time I met the pirates [dinner at my house]. It was so ridiculously freaking awkward. I think because they were complete strangers to my parents, and Em and I aren't big conversationalists in the dining room for whatever reason. I thought that by the end of the night [because we played Things] it went well overall, but my parents said that it was the hardest time socially at our house that they could remember.

It must have gone well enough, because we were all invited to their campsite for the night after the next one. It was much less awkward, but we had the beach and walking to distract us. I noticed that mom and Hilary [the 'mom pirate'] were getting all chatty. And I know now that they really enjoyed each others' company, since they both told me separately. But I am glad that night went well. In fact, it went so well that just Em and I were invited for dinner the next night.

That was actually the best time ever. No awkwardness. In fact, I felt so at home that I was treating Richard and Andrew like brothers. Even more fun, I was helping Hilary cook the food. I wish I could elaborate more, and I plan on it at some point, but my brain is really full. I just know that it was soooo much fun, and I definitely miss them all already. I think it's going to be strange talking to them again online after finally seeing them in person.

Part of the reason my brain is so full is because I have another job! Yay! I will be working at Swiss Chalet [a restaurant famous for their chicken, and perhaps also their delicious gravy] at the Take-Out counter. I just did not trust myself to be a server. I had originally applied for Dishwasher (camp experience!), but I sure don't mind this. The interview today was fun, and I am glad it went well.

Tough Week, Interesting Weekend

2008-07-25T16:24:00.000-04:00

Honestly, this has been one of the worst weeks of my [working] life. It seemed that every day this week I was in trouble for something at camp. On Wednesday, it all came to a head, and the end result of that is that today I am distributing résumés. Funny thing is that I wasn't really sad about losing my job. For sure, I am most terribly disappointed in myself, but at the same time, it had gotten to the point where I was dreading every day because I always came home frustrated, exhausted, and pretty much alone. But something cool happened that day, too. My aunt just *happened* to call: "Hi! I know that both of the girls have jobs, but I just wanted to let you know that my place is hiring...." Since my aunt was working that day, I was able to submit a résumé that very same day. 'Twould be as a pallet builder, preparing things for the forklift drivers, like my aunt, to move around. Yay $12/h, which is more than the other job would have paid. I could really use this job, they have 3 part time and 3 full time positions available.

Also today, Mom and I went to the job bank to check some postings out. They even fixed up some résumé-ic problems for me, printed it out, and emailed me a copy. I have just finished writing some cover letters for half of my applications, so I guess I should get to that after I am done here. One of the places would be walkable-to [bonus!], but only part-time. We shall see.

Tomorrow I have a funeral to go to. Mom's uncle passed away on Tuesday night after a short bout with cancer that spread quickly. I only met him like 4 times, but he was great. Definitely the joker of the family. That is where I will be all day tomorrow. Oddly enough, the only family-related funerals I have been to [two that weren't family], have been for my mom's side. Dad's family is ridiculously healthy.

Sunday is the cool day! Em's boyfriend and his family are coming here from Ohio!!!!! Yaaaah! Well, they are arriving in Canada tomorrow, but coming here for Sunday dinner. GEEZ that is going to be bizarre. I mean, Em and I have been talking to their family for two years, and the 3 of us have been trying and trying to plan to get together, and so suddenly our plan has worked! THEY WILL BE IN MY HOUSE! Weirdness. [For anyone that is wondering, that family are allllll pirates, which is how we were able to talk to them all.] Naturally I am psyched.

And now, I have to get more of this job thing off my mind. See, every job I have worked at, I have been in trouble for the things I say [which come from the things I think]. These aren't really *bad* things, just not normal things. Sometimes I get distracted, which leads to imaginings off in my own little worlds, which come out in the things I say. Example: at other-camp, I was Kitchen Team Leader. Once, I called the 3 kitchen staff members my 'minions'. I got a talking to for that. What had happened was that I think I was in my own little world while washing dishes or something, pretending that I was in some evil lair. So I didn't mean to imply servanthood, but how on earth can I explain "oh, I was imagining things off in my own little world"? Similarly, every job has been one that I thought I would enjoy immensely and be really good at. Especially the ones with children. In fact, that's mostly all I think I am good at. So now that this job with the Town has ended, what do I have left? It feels like I can never hold down a job because I am too distracted, which makes me pretty slow at working/learning [hence the disaster on Wednesday. I am getting a little resentful].

So there is my rant. Hopefully I will have some luck with these applications. I mean, I got a bit dressed up and everything... And mayhaps I will be able to participate in the next SHAG [along with whatever other awesome acronyms we added yesterday].

Pity I didn't get to discuss the doctor's appointment the other day. He is attempting to withdraw the ADD diagnosis in favour of "you're just depressed", which Mom and I think is pure crap. It's all good.. for now.

Sylv out.

It Burns!

2008-07-20T03:05:00.000-04:00

I am unable to sleep because of a persistant acidic burning-like sensation in my throat, not unlike the one that had me fainting and almost throwing up in the bathroom a few nights ago. I figure I may as well recap the last few days.

Greta's birthday party was on Friday, and our parents gave her her present early: a trampoline! I have only been on it once, since it has been raining an awful lot, but I plan to get good use out of it. Unfortunately, there is apparently a 200 pound weight limit on the thing, which means that I can't go on with anyone else [I would like to mention that this does not mean I weigh 200 pounds!], but hopefully Mthyr will lighten up on that rule.

Tomorrow I am going to start with a new child, Tommy. I don't know much about him, just that he doesn't like whoever he is working with to sing along to the songs. I also was under the impression that he is afraid of girls, but I saw him with Katie [other worker whom I was with last week] a few weeks ago and he was fine. He also doesn't like to participate much. That is, he likes to know that others are participating and what they are doing, but he doesn't like to join them. This means a lot of walks. [It's actually the same at home; he will invite a friend from school over, but have nothing to do with them. Yet, he will constantly ask if they are still in the house and what they are doing.] Should be an interesting week. I hope he doesn't run away on me, because my legs don't seem to move quickly enough to run at all.

I don't know what is causing this ridiculous burning in my throat. I don't even know what to take to help it. I'm sort of afraid to try and sleep, especially considering what happened last time. It was absolute agony. On the other hand though, I really do need my sleep because I know I will need the energy. A new place, a new kid, whoa. Excuse me, I am going to search the bathroom cupboard.

Hooray! I found the thing I was hoping would be there. I pray to God this works. In the
meantime, I will compose what others [well... only a few people] wondered about: The Ballad
of Two Creepy Girls!

------------
With my group of kids
One day at the pool
Changerooms were in short supply
I had to change fast,
Yes far from the last,
So I took a washroom stall

Two girls came in
Their bladders full
Discussing their previous swim
Waiting for the potty
I don't know, did they plotty?
Because they did something naughty:

I saw their eyes!
Their eyes I saw
peeking through the space left there
It creeped me right out
I almost did shout
Because it was a fright

When I finished switching
My clothes wet to dry
I made up my mind to confront
Although it is not what I usually do,
I felt I had to be blunt:

"Why were you watching me change today,
I think it rather rude.
Didn't your mother teach you
That privacy is good?"

"But we weren't looking!" the two girls declared
As they gave dirty looks most menacingly.
"But I saw your eyes, betwixt the crack
of the door and sticky-out-thingy."

Unintelligible things they said to me,
Attempting to look cool
Try as I might, I understood naught but
"Get out, we have to pee."

Two silly, bratty girls
had utterly failed
to my almost-loud glee
And even though this isn't a song,
It's a funny memory
------------

Bleh... WIP. Sleep time. I will deal with the inconsistencies in my rhyming scheme tomorrow... I mean, later today. Curses, it is past midnight. Burning has subsided slightly.

Edit: Screw the rhyming scheme! I will have some verses with 4 lines, some with 6, and some with 5! A-hahahaaaa!

The Ballad of Two Creepy Girls

2008-07-17T01:58:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, I am not going to write a song about it. I just thought it would be a snazzy name for an entry. But it did happen and I will touch on that later.

It's taken a little while to write up another entry because Monday was an incredibly difficult day. In short, I was pulled aside at the end of the day to talk to my supervisor and HER supervisor. Apparently there were enough 'bad things' that I had done last week that warranted such a meeting, and really, most of the things they mentioned came as a huge shock to me [that doesn't mean that I did that other thing on purpose, but in retrospect it was not
the greatest idea]. I actually started bawling during that meeting, partially because I thought I was going to be fired, but I think mostly out of massive disappointment in my shock because I felt like I had let everything/one down. I came home an hour late that evening as a result of the meeting and refused to come down for dinner. [No one knows that I actually still had my lunch from that day, so I *did* eat, thankfully.] I headed out after that to do some shopping as I originally said, and of all the creepy things, MOM FOLLOWED ME! What the heck?! I was looking at some clothes when her face pops up behind them with a too-cheery "HI!" I nearly flipped out. Wasn't too wise a move on her part. But she and Dad kept nagging me, asking what was wrong. "Did someone hurt you?" "Do you still have a job?" How many times must I say "I don't want to talk about it!!" before it sinks in? Honestly, guys. Anyway, I
was dreading Tuesday morning, because that was to be the day we discussed my 'action plan'. Turns out it wasn't as bad as I thought; really it was a positive experience by the end. They were incredibly impressed with how I handled it. [I had to meet with Luke, Lyndsay's supervisor, so same people, today, just to wrap things up, and he said that because of the way I handled it, he is confident that this will never happen again and that there is 'worlds of potential' in me. He also said that he can see that with me, it's all about the children. It was really really great to hear such positive feedback from him, especially considering the past few days with them.] As a result of that, I do feel [very mostly] confident enough again to handle my job. From a job perspective, the situation is never to be discussed again, thankfully.

Also during discussion, I was able to bring up the fact that sometimes I am expected to supervise an entire group as well as Brandon. They agreed most vehemently with me that it is not part of my job to do that, which is a rather unfair thing to impose on me [even though Luke and Lyndsay both know I can manage a group of children]. So they *did* speak to the camp supervisor about it, and I guess she didn't really know about that before. Now there will be extra staff going on trips that will require the kids split in groups. Apparently I was the first Integration staff member to bring it up with her, though. That is the entire explanation of The Bad Day[s], and I don't particularly wish to discuss it with anyone, simply because it was so unpleasant.

But as a whole, I think this week's group of kids is great. And actually, somehow Deven is here this week, too! Yay! And he was as surprised to see me there as I was to see him! Happiness all around, haha. I also have my own little posse again. There is François, the french boy who proved to be most helpful during cooking class today, but much enjoyed pushing me into the pool [nearly repeatedly] this afternoon; Josh, the very hyperactive boy who has recently started hug-attacking me; and a few others who are on-and-off. But those two in particular seem to enjoy following me and, as of late this afternoon, trying to make my arms longer. I will be gorilla-like soon. One most interesting child is Cameron. We have actually been at the same camps for 3 weeks, and I still cannot figure him out. It seems that his house is a bit dysfunctional right now, so he does tend to misbehave a lot. A few times, Jen [camp supervisor] has had to remove him from the group and talk to him to the extent that it makes him cry. I've also seen him do a lot of good things. As a result, I try to give him as much positive reinforcement as possible when he IS doing good things. He usually co-operates for me.

I think now is the right time to talk about the Creepy Girls. While changing from the pool, There weren't nearly enough changerooms for all of us to use at once. I ended up in the wheelchair washroom stall, and I only felt bad for one second when I heard some girls say "Oh, they shouldn't be in there, cause I need to use the toilet." I quickly rationalized in my head with "I have campers I need to catch up with." All was fine and dandy, when in my slight paranoia, as always happens in changerooms, I see an eye. Now, she wasn't leaning up against the divider or anything [EW], but... I saw a direct eye. And I saw the other girl try to look in, too. I don't know what it was other than that. Hellooooo, privacy. Now, I am not one for confrontation, but I came out of the stall and said "Why were you looking in my changeroom?" to the one girl. Rather rudely, she retorted with "I wasn't!" I said "I saw your eyes looking in," and walked off to get my shoes on near Michelle so they could use their Precious Potty. As I was chatting with Michelle, the one girl I talked to kept on staring at me. It didn't freak me out or anything, but it was annoying. I sort of shot back a dirty look a few times [very unlike me], and she just kept looking at me with this "I-am-so-very-cool-and-so-I-will-give-you-this-look-like-I-am-a-Queen" look going. Her friend finished, and they were nearly at the entrance to the pool when she came to the other side of the bench and said something intelligible. I asked Michelle if she heard what was said to me, and she didn't even hear the girl, so I had to explain the whole thing. They kept peeking around the corner to the pool entrance and shooting me the same "I-am-so-cool-bow-down-now" glances at me, too. Like, maybe once is effective. After that, you look retarded. Anyway, by then, they had left,so I enjoyed putting on a little bit of theatrics to the 2 other people in the changeroom. All were amused. I wish I could write a song about it, but I am too tired.

On Tuesday, the group went to the Zion Schoolhouse in Toronto for the day. Built in [I think]
1896, it is still standing and now serves as what I will call a 'living museum', where groups
of kids can pretty much pretend to have a day of school just like it was back then. I found this absolutely fascinating, but I was warned that it would be a difficult day for Brandon, because he absolutely hates school. I think it's because it frustrates him so much. I was told that he might start hitting his head and yelling about 'his stupid brain' [which he has already done with me], but he actually had a fantastic day. Seriously, no problems whatsoever [except that he told me that his Listening Ears were broken today. I think it's just the fast pace of Out-Trip, though]. The only thing that would have been considered a problem was the spelling bee. I daresay he ended up with the most difficult word, 'ought'. I was smart enough to explain to him beforehand that "if you do not spell a word correctly, you will have to sit back down in your desk and be out". He has a very difficult time with being eliminated from games, and I didn't want him to have a meltdown because of that in a schoolhouse, of all the wonderful combinations. He only, calmly, said to me "I need to go take a walk around outside," and so we did. Great day.

Tomorrow we go to Wild Water Kingdom. I really do think it will be a fantastic day, but I will do my best to stay awake long enough to say either way. The extra staff coming with us for that is Ben, or as Jen calls him, "Big Bear". He isn't a completely random guy, he works before & after hours there, so the kids all recognize him. [We all have nicknames now, but a s mine is still up in the air, I can't talk about it yet. Some of the kids call me Penguin, though. Yay!] So Ben, Michelle, Darren and Jen will each lead a group, and Katie and I will follow our kids. I cannot help but hope that Brandon is in Ben's group because Ben and I are sort of buddies now, I guess. He is the "Light Master", and the one Brandon asks if he can go turn off the lights in the gym. Really, it is like the hugest reward for him. Of course, the ultimate decision is up to me, but it's fun when we go on our Epic Quests to 'fix the gym lights'. The 3 of us make a great team, haha. I also hope my posse is with me, since I know this will be the last week I will see many of them, including Brandon. I have Child B next week, at a completely new location. {siiiigh} It's going to be very very strange not being his counselor.

Anyway, that's enough from me. This looks long now, I can't imagine how it's going to look once I post it. Apologies, all. Try not to fall asleep. Keep reading!

Here Comes Week 3

2008-07-13T18:44:00.000-04:00

I am going to head into this week with a positive attitude. It will be the first week where there will be another 'Integrationista' there. Actually, there will be 3 kids there that could use a worker, but the one doesn't like one. Should be interesting. Also, since I got paid on Thursday (YAY!), a shopping trip is in order tomorrow... AFTER SHAG III! Don't worry, I didn't/won't forget.

SHAG III IS AT 21:00GMT!!!!!

If that doesn't remind him, nothing will. A-haha. [Oh yes, for anyone who doesn't know what SHAG stands for: Stickam Hour AGS Games. Is it not brilliant?]

...

2008-07-12T00:45:00.000-04:00

Burned out. Skating sucked. Brandon had a meltdown. I can't stand another week of out-trip.

"The Last Thing He Needs Anyone to Point Out To Him is a Ceiling Fan..."

2008-07-11T01:41:00.000-04:00

The more time I spend with Brandon, the more fascinating he becomes. Not, mind you, as a scientific/medical case, but as a person. Neither do I regard him now as 'a boy with autism', but someone who just has a very unique perspective on life. However, his one fixation can really get to me. He adores not only light switches, but ceiling fans, so much so to the point that he not only points out every single one in whatever room we are in, but he even imagines them where they do not exist. And of course, he must drag me around to each, and point them out. I can still immerse myself in his imaginings, but I find myself doing it less and less often. I think I am getting really tired.

Very soon it will betime to go to the staff social. I will continue this after and outline how the week has been [yes, I said outline. I am actively avoiding any sort of rant-mode.] but I started now because at this social I will find out if the switch will be made. What switch is this, you ask? Well next week, Brandon was supposed to return with me to the camp we were at last week. Yesterday, much to my disappointment, his mother switched him to another week of out-trip camp. Unfortunately, I don't think I can stand another week. At least, that was my stance a few days ago. Now, especially after today since we had such a great day, I feel like I would be disowning Brandon if I did switch. That's not what I mean to do, and I want to do this for a few reasons: 1) Although continuity with a child is good, I think after 2 weeks it's time for a switch. 2) The supervisor's voice as well as the general volume of the bus makes my ears buzz excessively to the point that I need to wear earplugs. 3) And least importantly, I miss the Week One kids, whom I told I was returning to. I talked to Sarah, who I would be switching with since she's the only one at said camp, and she was interested in being on the out-trip, but I never heard fully back from her. Fortunately, I saw my supervisor at the pool trip on Wednesday so I was able to mention this to her. And it was then that she said I would know tonight. So there is my pre-lude to the situation, sorry about the length. Sylv out.

----

Sooo the switch is not to be made. I accepted it fine, but I will still miss 'my kids'. I do have a messenger that can tell them what happened, fortunately. And I should be getting the rest of my uniform tomorrow too. Stupid company had screwed that up real good. And apparently we've all been paid! Yay! Also, it's going to be more than I had expected, because of all the Before/After Hours I have worked. Bonus-tastic! The social went well, but there were only a few Integrationistas there. Diana wasn't cool enough to show up, I guess "I had other plans" is a valid excuse, though. But Sarah and I discovered a most fascinating theory: It seemed that wherever we stood, the people around us would leave. It happened 3 times, so we started to look for ways to purposely prove our theory of "people can sense our awkwardness". It still worked. We're both tremendously socially awkward [not to mention we did/said a lot of the same things at the same time tonight.. haha], so it was fun to have each other to point out and discuss these things with. I also found out I have footballphobia. [That would be 'American' Football.] Apparently it's tradition to have a Camps vs Playgrounds game, which the latter usually wins. But this time, we took it! By 'we', I mean the people that actually know what they are doing. As much as I did want to contribute, I had no idea what was happening, and I was terrified that somehow the ball was going to hit me. I wasn't alone in my cluelessness thankfully.

Apologies, I must backtrack to last Friday, because it was the most fun I have ever had at an ice skating rink. Firstly, I do not skate. Secondly, Brandon loves it. Somehow I had to find a way to supervise him. I got a sledge! You know, the thing usually reserved for people who can't walk. Close enough, I am skating-impaired. I had a great time because the kids loved to push me around in it, and we raced the other sledge which Brandon was pushing for a while. For a bit, even, the 'leader' counselor in that group snatched the sledge whilst I was propelling my self and took me to the other end. Then he tipped me on my side, accidentally. It may not sound like much fun, but I had the greatest time. It was so scary not being able to control my speed or my stopping, that I shrieked for most of it. But the kids were great at stopping and steering, especially when I had an entourage of 4. Although I don't think [but I sure do hope] that the other camps are there, Brandon is excited to push my sledge. We will still have fun. Oh yes, and the rest of my week has been fantastic too. Tuesday was a rough day for everyone, but I like these kids almost as much as last week's kids. And yes, I have 2 new favourites, one of which I was supposed to have a Pokémon battle with today, but I couldn't find my game!!! Aaah! I told him I would look tonight, but I forgot about the social. Me and Em had both been looking for it, with no luck..... curses.

Time for sleep, I am so le tired. Still haven't been able to record voice clips, but only because I have been too exhausted. I collapse as soon as I get home.

Remainder of the First Week

2008-07-04T01:45:00.000-04:00

Out of all the nights I could have chosen to document the rest of this week, I just happened to pick this one. I consider it worthy of mention since I have to get to work for 7am, rather than the usual 8:15. Instead of waking up at 6:30, that is when I have to leave. I guess this would be a good point to figure out a wake-up time and to set my alarm. Let's see... oooh I don't like this. Okay, set. I just hope I can drag myself out of bed. The annoying thing is that Child 1 never shows up when I am told he is going to. At least I get paid for it.

I think I already talked about how Monday went, so I will describe the important parts of the rest of the week thus far. Since Tuesday was Canada Day, our camps were not running. Hooray! What Mom and I ended up doing was catching some fireworks with a few families from church. We all met at the pastor's house, then set off in caravan-mode about 20 minutes away. The show was spectacular. No one can talk to me while I am watching fireworks, cause I totally zone out. All of my being is focused on the visual intake, and the occasional noise. I would be able to hear you, but I wouldn't much be inclined to respond. No one tried to talk to me, so there wasn't an issue. The only thing that did disturb me was 3 of the boys that came. Only one was from the church, but he brought his friends, along with their parents. Rather rude boys, those 3. Before the show even started, they were running around being loud. After they were calmed enough to remain in our 'zone', they decided to talk about their new arm-pit hair and how 'manly' they were. I will never understand 11/12 year-old boys. Gross. No manners. ...well those ones, anyway.

Wednesday brought another day of camp, and was it ever a bad one. Even though Brandon [yeah screw the 'Child 1' stuff, it's too complicated to remember who is codenamed what] was reminded constantly about there being no camp on the Tuesday, and he even told me about his C-day plans, I think the disruption in routine was enough to cause him to have an off-day. He didn't want to listen to much I said at all. What especially got to him was the cancellation of the hike, something he had been looking forward to allllll day. He nearly had a meltdown, but it was cancelled for a good reason. We got to the top of the hill, where there is really long grass. Andrew, one of the counselors, decided we would play a game in the grass before we moved on. Too bad he wasn't aware of the bees' nest somewhere in there. After someone got stung and there were more bees flying about, we about-faced back to the shelter for a new activity. I know I was sure glad to get out of there, since I fear bees, but Brandon just couldn't comprehend why we cancelled after the sting. At one point on the way back he threw his waterbottle down and folded his arms in a massive pout and sorta yelled. Somehow I calmed him down and we were able to carry on. One of the 'tougher' campers was nice enough to look back and ask if he was okay. I said that he was and for the group to carry on back. During the tough parts of the day I kept thinking to myself 'Ohhh no. What have I gotten myself into for the rest of the summer?? And I was told what a great kid he was! '.

Fortunately today was fantastic. Perhaps it was the knowledge that today was a Swimming Day and we would all be bussed to the Memorial Outdoor Pool for part of an afternoon. In any case, Brandon was very co-operative and attentive. Have I mentioned it's also fascinating to totally understand what he is imagining in his brain during the activity we're doing? I think that more applies to Wednesday, but every day I am amazed at the complexity of his own little worlds. He actually had a doctor's appointment today, and I most readily welcomed the break from having to watch him all the time. As much as I [mostly] enjoy hanging out with Brandon, it can be very lonely not having someone always around to talk with who also actually responds. [I would like to clarify: it's not that he doesn't respond (unintelligently), he has almost no speech delay but you can't sustain a conversation with him, other than the necessities really.] And as soon as Brandon had gone, a little girl named Nicolette clang [clinged? clung?] to me. she is always around me, but was especially glad when she could have me all to herself. "Is Brandon gone?" "Yes, to a doctor's appointment." "I'm glad, because now you get to watch me!" It turns out she has mild mild epilepsy and speech delay herself, but doesn't need support. I only know this because I was looking at one of the clipboards; you can't really tell it from talking to her. I have grown quite fond of her, but she is a bit needy at times. Another favourite of mine is Deven, or "cabbage patch kid" as I secretly call him. He is the cutest child I have ever seen. Seriously, he only comes up to like the middle of my ribcage, has a face quite similar to a cabbage patch doll, with curly brown hair. He could be a skater punk kinda guy except he is too cute. He calls me Zero, and I call him Spud, because of a game we played today [the result of which everyone ganged up on me]. He is a great help to me with Brandon, as well as getting me to make some of his crafts for him. But I don't mind; it seems a lot of the campers are nicer to me than some of the counselors.

Tomorrow is [Ice] Skating Day! The one problem with that is I don't skate! I believe Brandon does, which might be a problem. However Lyndsay knows about the situation, so we will see. The alternative is playing Squash, which might just be havoc. ["Brandon! I can't skate!" "Oh. Will we go squashing then?" True story.] To add to my escription of the past few days, I think it is neat to see how the tough and troublesome kids respond to me. I think I have a bit of a different approach to things. I have been consistent with the encouragement and praise for the good things, and ignoring the negative behaviour. For me, I have seen some improvements. The main bunch, the Troublesome Trio as I call them, have given me less problems than they give the "main" counselors. I think it's because I am more of a friend to them than the people that are always just telling them "no" all the time. I can believe this week is ending; I have had so much fun getting to know these kids. Fortunately there isn't a rule for these camps like there is for my other camp, so kids can come back for as many weeks as their parents will allow. I know Deven is coming back for a few more weeks, but I don't know about Nicolette or the Trio. We shall see, but I will miss these kids. And it's only the first week!

I have some stuff I left out, like the crafts we have all made together, and the kids' obsession with my keyring of pictures&phrases. [Yes, the Go To Bathroom picture is their absolute favourite. They always like to run over to me and ask to see it.] Heh.. and I am already burned/tanned. The slash must be there, since I had to rush the application of sunscreen so I guess only part of my arm was covered. You can see the blotchy border between tan and burn. Fun stuff. I also know I was going to mention that thing about my aunt talking to my mom, but that will have to wait cause I really do have to sleep now. This took much longer than I wanted, but I wanted to finally document it so that I could have an empty brain for a good rest. And I get to see Vysytr on Saturday! Yaaay!!!

And... BAM!

2008-06-30T02:48:00.000-04:00

I have to keep this one short because I really need to get to sleep, since work starts tomorrow! Yay! And hopefully I can keep on looking forward to it...

I would like to start off by apologizing most profusely to Indie for OROW... I completely forgot about the Staff Alumni Barbeque for my usual camp [even though Em had called me 20 minutes before we were to leave for it], and on top of that I was still having computer problems [so this also extends to Space_boy], so therefore I wasn't able to accomplish anything I said I was going to. I feel very terribly. Because of that, I am going to lay low for the next couple of days...

Staff Training for my integration work this summer ended well. The wheelchair-lift-thing was not what I had envisioned afterall; it was not about mechanical stuff, but physically lifting kids out of their wheelchairs for purposes of moving them to normal chairs or the ground, and yes, the bathroom. I consider myself lucky that I do not have a child in a wheelchair this summer, unless I get switched for whatever reason, because I don't know that I could lift them properly. But it was fun taking turns lifting and being lifted, though there was one case where the combination of two girls couldnt lift me. I don't take it personally, especially since after they switched places they had no problem. And I wasn't the only one they couldn't lift; I also had trouble with one cause I have no arm strength. Overall, for the day-to-day working with my kids, the only concern I have is the amount of paperwork. Not that it's a huge amount, I just am not 100% clear on which form gets completed when and how
often, who it goes to, and what happens if the parents want in on it [which they do, and it's allowed with the communication log book]. Fortunately I am not the only one who is a bit confused, but I am sure that I will catch on quite nicely once the summer gets going. This week, Child A is signed up for the Early Hours portion of camp too. That means I have to go meet him then. I could have had to be there for 7am, but fortunately he is not going to be there till 8:15. Or at least that's when I was told to be there. Same goes for Wednesday, and Friday is earlier, but we will conquer that when we get there. I'm still psyched, though.

Getting to the barbeque was chaos. Out of the first two turns I could have taken, I did them both wrong. Like, I didn't even back the right way out of my driveway. Geeeeez. But in the end, Em and I sure did get there. Funny thing was, I didn't think I would miss it at all, but as we drove up to the driveway of the camp, I had a sort of mini-emotional wave. I wasn't about to cry or anything, but I realized this would be the first year in seven years [oh.. minus one for my missions trip] that I wouldn't be attending or working there. As always, it was awkward getting out, for one because my parking job was pure crap. I don't care to explain, but let's just say my distance perception/attention span was broken. The other reason for Awkward is that I didn't really have any friends on the staff to talk to, so it was a bit of just standing around by ourselves [Em doesn't have any either, somehow]. Don't think we were complete loners or anything, we were greeted and embraced by quite a few people, which was really nice. When I told them I was working at "another camp", that's like a sort of traitor-ness. Some people excused it, though, when I told them I was "helping special needs kids", but others told me that it is no excuse for not being here. Classic camp. I just never thought it would be me 'blaspheming' our ways. One person who was Super Super excited to see me was Sifto, our long-time cook. Back in my kitchen staff days, I spent long hours with her preparing food and just talking. I will mention that she is a middle-aged lady, in her 50's I guess, and she had like 7 kids, all who grew up at the camp every summer. So in total I had spent about 9 weeks through the years working with her. As soon as she saw me at dinner, she said "Oh oh ohhh" and gave me a huge hug and a kiss. Me being my awkward social self didn't have any intelligent conversation to contribute, but somewhere along the night I got the idea to come and visit on Canada Day, since the Town doesn't run any camps programs then. Sheer brilliance! Sifto said "Well if you come, I am not here between 10:30 and 12," and it's nice to have someone that really wants you to visit. In the end after dinner, I had a joyous time re-connecting with some of the younger staff, as that's where I seem to fit in [though my first reaction was "WHY ARE THERE CAMPERS IN THE KITCHEN?!" Then I realized they are staff now!] I also brought along my rainsuit, which I believe I mentioned in my List of 100 Things. What are the odds-- it actually did rain!! I was pretty much in heaven because I got to frolic around in the rain with my suit, just like the good ol' days. This time I was barefoot too. This was also the time where we played Chaos Ball. A fantastic game, especially in the rain. If anyone asks me about the rules, I would love to explain it. All you need to know now is that I very nearly broke my nose.... off Em's teeth. [It still hurts!] And I was so sore the next day, it even hurt so much to laugh. Everyone should play Chaos Ball given the chance. Seriously, I could go on about camp forever, as you can probably tell.

But I really think I should at least try to get to sleep now, as I have to get up at 6:30 and it is nearly 11. I don't want to go, as I do have another key thing to mention. For my memory now, I will record that it is about my aunt, the concert, and the confrontation of Mthyr. [So now you're all curious, or you gave up after the second paragraph... or maybe a combination of the two.]

Goodnight.... here's hoping that things go as well tomorrow as possible! ...so much for keeping it short.

A Bit Frustrated

2008-06-25T01:00:00.000-04:00

Training today was a bit better. It was Dr. Seuss themed, and the Senior Staff really put a lot of effort into today. I was impressed. They dressed up in Seussian costumes and put together some intro hype videos, which was a nice start to the day. Unfortunately, the majority was again spent listening to boring presentations. The end result was a killer eye-ache, always in my left eye, because of 2 days of staring at a projector screen. I almost ouldn't make the bikeride home cause it was so bad. Funny how that rarely seems to happen with computers, I think it was the strain of trying to see around people's big stupid heads. Sorry, I am okay now. No offense to anyone with a large cranium. The one part that we spent outside, aside from lunch hour of course, was some scenario acting. We were split into groups and sent around to various stations to act out some of the day-to-day situations we might encounter during camp. They ranged from furious yelling parents to kids who didn't want to participate. Our group was pretty hyper and crazy, and of course that just hyped me up. I hope that people won't take me less seriously just because I have so much energy and can get a little silly at times with it. I'm not trying to cause trouble, I'm just excited about what I'm learning. Oh, and today I got told again that I look like someone else. Béatrice, the other just-switched Integration Counselor, suddenly said to me "You look just like my friend. I have to take a picture of you to show her!" Funny thing is, she looks exactly like someone I know too. But she isn't the first person to tell me I look exactly like someone they know. Weird stuff. Anyway, for tomorrow's training, the 'Camps' division, which Integration is lumped with, will finish up the day at the park near the lake [that is, Lake Ontario]. Problem is, if I bike, what do I do? If I bike myself there [I forget how far it is], I will take longer to get there than those with cars. If we finish there and I got there with a drive, I don't think I will have the energy to walk back to the community centre and then bike home. Hopefully it won't be as bad as my imagination is letting me think, but I guess I should hope for the best. Oh, and one last thing I would like to mention about today before I forget about it. One of the presentations was about ASD, or Autism Spectrum Disorder. Here comes a mini-lesson, so if you don't want that, just skip to the next paragraph. On the right side of this umbrella spectrum is your 'standard' Autism [within which I am sure there are several degrees, but we didn't go into that], then PDD-NOS [Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified], and on the leftmost side, and therefore the mildest form, is Asperger's Syndrome. As anyone who has had experience with autistic children will tell you, there are usually delays in speech development, motor development, and social skills development. There are also repetitive motions that autistic kids do, I think as sort of a comfort thing, I forget why. Within the social skills that are delayed are having trouble making and nurturing peer relationships, having significantly younger friends, and ...I forget the other one. Asperger's children don't have any of the speech/language or motor delays, but their social skills are still delayed. When the presenters were talking about Asperger's, it sounded like they were describing me. I started playing back in my mind all the trouble I had had making/keeping friends throughout school, and it was pretty disturbing for me.

Now for the frustrating bit. Sure I got Audacity installed, and when I try to record there is no buzzing, BUT it won't pick up either mic that I have in the house. I test it on the control panel thing and it picks up there, but neither Audacity nor the default Sound Recorder will work. Yes I did reboot and yes I did re-install, but still nothing. I don't get it. Also, turns out I need yet ANOTHER file to get AGS to work. No chance of that tonight, as Em has seized the computer for her job hunt, which is okay with me since I already had my turn, but I can't work on OROW for still another night!! Sorry Indie. Urgh.. I just hope for a good sleep tonight and a positive training tomorrow.

Oh yes.. and the greatest news of all?

I Found The Bacon Heart In My Room!!!

Finally Starting Work

2008-06-24T02:40:00.000-04:00

I suppose the commencing of my training for work is gonna be the main focus of this, you know, since I was so excited and all for it. I would first like to say that it was terribly boring. Tons of presentations and just *sitting* there. I yawned almost constantly. Even now, there I go again. But I did learn a lot, about skin care [and skin cancer!], child abuse, and various protocols and regulations. The job almost seemed more complicated than it really is, in my mind. I know I had a similar feeling when I first started at my other camp, how overwhelming all the rules and procedures were. So I know that working for the Town will be fine. I did ask Lyndsay, my supervisor, about why I didn't make those house calls to visit the kids, and she said that because my first child comes every year all summer, the parents really didn't need one and that I will meet him on Monday. Yes, I am still really looking forward to the whole thing. Oh, but it wasn't all smooth sailing getting there. As some of you know, I was searching rather frantically for the letter the Town sent me that said "You're hired!", which also told me what time training was. Facebooking my co-worker friends didn't help me, but fortunately I finally did find said letter. It said 9am-4pm, but it didn't say where. So while I was getting ready, Mom called the head-guy, who confirmed 9am and that it was at the community centre. I show up for 9, and guess what? I'm late! Later I learned that it was to start at 8:45. Geez... only once did they say something like "show up a little early so we can start right on time". Oh well, now I know. At least I wasn't the only one that did that. However, if we do it again, it goes on our permanent records. I have to bike there for the rest of this week, so I had better leave extra early.

Also, I feel like I can finally get back to my regular blogging schedule. I've started re-installing my programs on here, too. I've got Audacity and Gimp back [though I haven't tried recording anything yet, as it's a bit late for that], and I forgot that I need that cursèd Framework 2.0 or whatever to re-install AGS, so most unfortunately it will have to wait because I don't know what I did with it. The worst part of that is that what with Mom home constantly now, and me away training, I don't know when I could possibly sneak on to obtain it. Unless I get Em to do it...

Today my room was invaded. Mom had been bugging me for quite a while about finding a way to get my clothes and other paraphenalia off my floor, but I just don't have room in my dresser, especially with one drawer still broken. The result of that was the clearing out of nearly 8 years of useless junk on my shelves. I kept a lot of my books, but I didn't realize how much I had just thrown on there for 'later', whatever that means. So now I have room for clothes and I can see my floor! Yay! That is possibly what kickstarted me back to my old computer ways.

So everything coming up ahead seems bright. Namely, on Thursday, there is a Staff Alumni Barbeque at my former camp. I will miss it, contrary to what I originally thought. I mean... erm... not that I wouldn't miss it, but I was excited about working somewhere else. So that's where Em and I are going, and I am excited about the chance to see some of the people I look up to, in more than a literal way, again. The other thing is a sort of mini-concert that my aunt is taking Em and I to. [That should be one word--Em-n-I.... Emeni?] I'm not too sure of the groups performing, as my aunt didn't have too much information for me, but it will be nice to spend some time with her.

Fortunately, tomorrow's training was promised to be 'fun stuff'. They told us to wear running shoes and comfortable clothing, and they said something about sliding around, but I wasn't listening by that point. Yay games! And I don't know what's happening Wednesday, but on Thursday is for camp-specific stuff. That means that us Integration people will be learning things like how to operate wheelchair lifts. Oooh I love gadgets. Oh, and that reminds me: The aforementioned co-worker friends. A cool thing happened, in that originally only 1 of us was to work Integration. Then I got asked to be put in it, so it was neat to show up at the Orientation and be able to tell Sarah that I am working with her now. And then today, it turns out that Diana has also been switched! Huzzah, we are all together! We met on our interview day, so I think it's neat that we were all put into the same section and that our kids will be at some of the same camps together.

Well, I do believe that's it. I guess I will get back to trying to locate the programs I want to get installed. Long entry, I know, but some introductory stuff needed to get done.

Peace out.

The Hurried Entry That Is Supposed To Cover One Week

2008-06-21T17:23:00.000-04:00

Boyd's been doing a bit of nagging, as well as some other AGStickamers, for me to update this. It's been a week, I think. Don't think I've abandoned this, oh no. I just... haven't gotten around to it. I hope this attitude won't carry on into OROW construction [I really don't think my MAGS will be finished in time, but... hopefully I will continue it anyway], for one, I've commited to it. For another thing, I couldn't let my teammate down, that would be terrible of me. And... yes.

Let's see.. what to say. Like, all this week I have been thinking through potential entries but I have done nothing about it.

That job that Em was gonna be gone for all summer? She didn't take it. Mom and Dad were pretty mad at her, quite a bit of work and 'putting a good word in' was done on her behalf by not only them, but other caring individuals as well. Like, she got as far as telling the hiring lady on the phone "I don't think so". And I can see why she didn't end up taking it; I know after a week at our 'usual' camp, I can't wait to get home and recharge. I can't imagine it for a whole summer. Also, it being her last summer before university, she had a lot of things planned, and the job would have put a big hole in that. Fortunately, the uni she is going to will be much close than mine was, so I will be able to see her more often than she saw me when I was gone.

That reminds me, our plan for her second year is to live together. I want to move out, she wants to move out, so why not move out together? Pure brilliance, I think. And that means I will be able to use my webcam again. Hooray!

Work finally starts on Monday. The training that is. Paid training. Yay! But.. if only I could remember/know where the thing is. I left a Facebook message to two co-workers, so I really really really hope they get back to me soon, because I don't know if I can find my letter. Panic mode ensue!

I forget what else I had to say. Soon though, I will take some / a pic of Deccles so you can all see. Consider yourselves caught up.

Oh, and I have taken the liberty of making an AGStickam family on Sims 2... heh heh.

Rainin' Down

2008-06-14T02:22:00.000-04:00

So this afternoon I was sort of lamenting that I had nothing to write about. I can't report on progress being made anywhere, because I have been too tired to draw or anything, and I just sleep. Little did I know how much different the evening would be...

When I told Spaceboy that tonight would be the night that I reinstalled the OS on here, I accidentally lied. My church youthgroup, which meets every other week, was having a time this week and Em and I went. This week we ended up doing a 'scavenger/treasure hunt'. We were divided into 2 teams, and we each were assigned a colour of paper. Yay team BLUE~! After running upstairs, downstairs, and all over outside, Blue beat Albino (aka White, Em's team! Ha ha!). It was a sort of giant object lesson, on searching. Also tied into that was about how Life is a Journey, but I was starting to lose focus. As it pertained to the topic, I was asked how school was going. I said "It isn't." Then I explained what had happened [but I left out most of the details], but I ended up on a wonderful Roomie Rant! Yaaay! New people to rant to! They felt really sorry for what had happened. They even enjoyed hearing about that letter.

In the end, we decided to go and get some icecream. Because I drove Stylin' Van [which is annyoingly wide] and the parking lot was on a weird angle, I did probably the worst parking job I have ever done. One of the other youth wanted to ride in the Van with Em and I, so he didn't stop making fun of me. The first place we went to didn't have any ice cream left, so we walked to a nearby other store. 'Good,' I thought. 'At least I won't be able to see my horrible
parking job from in there.' Wellll to my surprise, if you looked through the drivethrough window, you could see SV PERFECTLY. And the horrible crookedness. Then the entire group proceeded to make fun of me in a kind and loving fashion. They even separated the highchairs, and indicated to a cart, saying "Bring that over here and have another chance to park it in this spot." Hehe thanks guys.

Eventually, we left at like 9:45 for the 20 minute drive home. Unfortunately, it had really started to rain. It was accompanied by thunder, lightning, and a bit of wind. Yay fun! I also had a very limited idea of where we were in relation to the church, but everyone else lived in the area so we were able to get adequate directions to a familiar area. It didn't work out that way. The extent of the instructions were for getting to a major, familiar road. Well something must have happened, because we were forced to turn [because the road did] and the name totally changed. We
ended up going in a square, and becoming pretty lost. Not to mention that the rain was getting REALLY bad, like the wipers on the fastest speed were barely keeping up in some spots [I should explain that the storm seemed very concentrated in some spots, much like a bullseye sort of target]. And, it being the SV we were driving, everytime we hit a bump [tons of construction where we ended up], the front axel would creak and there would be lots of uncomforting noises. I was afraid that SV would finally give out and we would be basically stranded, as I do not own a cellphone--yet. Also, we were pretty low on gas. The fantastic thing was that even though we were driving for all that time, the indicator needle didn't go down at all. In fact, it even went up a bit. Oddly enough, that whole time I felt completely safe and sure that we would make it home without a problem. But don't get me wrong, I was sooo glad to have had Em there. We are so close, so she is a comfort all the time. This was our second situation like this, and I wouldn't have liked to
experience that with anyone else. It took us over an hour to get home. I was really surprised our parents weren't still awake and waiting for us. Their bedroom light was off too. I do love the rain, but tonight it was a bit scary because of having lost most of the sense of direction we were using. But we are home safe now, and about to sleep.
Thank you, God.

N-R-G

2008-06-12T01:30:00.000-04:00

Seriously, I have too much of it right now.. again. I think this is due to the sugar high brought on by the candy I
bought. Even now, I have the last of it with me, so this entry might get a little weird. Nom nom nommmmm. Also, I
guess the drugs that I take the night before wear off in late evening [and for us, that is like 8pm], which explains
the consistant burst of energy and all-around weird that posesses me. It's sort of annoying for even me, but at least
I am normal for the rest of the day.

Also, I was home early from Wonderland [as those who were on Stickam this afternoon discovered. Sorry again for
breaking your game, Indie.], which was nice. Sort of a relaxing, familiar way to wind down the out-of-routineness that
this day brought. It was pretty different than I expected, however. I had been told by Greta that we would be playing
two songs, and that's all. Welllll let me tell you: Three songs, AND WE SANG! No one warned me about this. I guess I
should back up and be a bit more chronological about this, right?
I thought it was bizarre enough leaving the house to walk to the school in the first place, but especially with a
backpack [Mum had made us lunches]. And then we had to hang around the schoolyard awkwardly, waiting for the bell to
ring. The band was told to wait in the library, and after a rather brief runthrough of one of the songs, Kettrick said
"Okay, we're going to sing now." Em and I exchanged a sort of panicked glance, then joked around with "Ohhh, they must
have been practicing something to perform for us. How nice!" Where we were sitting and the way the band ended up
arranging themselves for singing, Kettrick looks at as and says "Are you two tenors? Get over with the sopranos!" Uhmm
you might forget that we don't know what we are doing right now. Then someone reassured me by saying it is only four
words. They didn't lie about it; it was the tune of "Siyahamba Kukanan Quakos" [yes yes I am sure I spelled it wrong],
so that was easy enough to catch on to, but it was in a different language. I was pretty impressed at the way the band
was able to sing, and in four parts too. I think Kettrick is magical. But even when we were warming up it was sort of
a small embarassment to myself when I messed up, just cause the music is so simple. But I guess that happens. On the
busride, I started feeling a little ill, which I finally chalked up to bus/motion sickness. It was bizarre though, I
never get motion sick. Unfortunately, that pretty much lasted all day. It would come in waves, due to 'recovering'
from the rides. Sadly, so sadly, Greta refuses all rollercoasters, but there are still some pretty great ones to choose
from. Some of them you can't do this with, but my favourite thing to do is go completely limp and pretty much let the
gravity and motion of the ride move me. A few times my leg got bent all funny, but it never hurt and it is relaxing.
The best part is that it probably looks funny to others that happen to see me. Throughout my time there, I wished that
I had my Pirates with me. It was fun to imagine what it would be like with them, but sadly that won't be able to happen
for 2.# years still.

Today I decided I miss seeing Vysytr like everyday. We had some crazy [non-band!] adventures. Some of you might remember
the choccymilk wars, and the Santa Hat Sharing, for example. I did tell her I missed all that, and her, and she misses
me too. Yay! But I have not yet been back to that city, where she conveniently lives. I need to bother my parents
about going there to visit their OWN parents, so that I can see her! I did ask Dad about if he knows when we are going,
and he doesn't know. Alas, but we will get there. Soon. I hope.

Before I forget, I want to thank Bic and LGM for some kind feedback concerning Mah Blohg. I do appreciate the things
they said, namely "You are talented with words" and "I notice your entries are getting cheerier", or something close
to those. So.. thanks, it means much.

Game production is going well, on both the MAGS and OROW end. I mean, OROW stuff is just being planned, since the
competition hasn't even started yet. But I and my excellent teammate are throwing tons of ideas and plans and cool
concepts back and forth, so I am super psyched for the end result. I predict good things. As for MAGS, I do believe
I have a firm grasp on the concepts and storyline, but I know I am going to have some scripting trouble, 'cause that is
how I roll... yo. I've got more technical difficulties though, as I think I mentioned in Entry the Previous. I did get
to post my issue in the Technical AGS forum, and it seems that I am not the only one with the problem, as I was
re-routed to another thread. Turns out there is another version of the software that I must download. Trouble is, I
don't know when that will be possible now, now that Mom is home pretty much constantly. I can only hope that she ends
up with a supply teaching job tomorrow so I can get the download going and continue on with this MAGS business.

I hope spaceboy will see this paragraph at least, because it is pretty important to a part of Project Cook. My recording
difficulties have not subsided, and for the longest time I had said that I would ask my dad to tell me how to reinstall
the OS myself, which might hopefully fix the problem, since he told me he wouldn't ever fix my computer for me again.
I was sort of putting it off because Dad's mood was never right, or work hadn't gone well that day so he was tired,
blah blah blah. Bad Sylvr! I mentioned to Mom what I wanted to ask him, and while I was just talking to them in their
room a bit later, she suddenly said to him "[your daughter] had something she wanted to ask you about," and that was
my perfect opportunity. I didn't really want her to do that, but I was obviously having a problem with it because it
had taken so long. So, he said he would tell me how to do it, but first that I should back up any files that aren't on
my USB key already.

I never thought it could happen, but my USB key is full without me having fully backed up everything. My problem is
that even though I am pretty meticulous about consistancy of location and naming of files for the same project [I
don't know how else to describe it], overall my documents are pretty disorganized. My terrible method of backing things
to my USB is to take a copy of My Documents and put it to my USB in a compressed format. Every time this happens. I
always tell myself I will be totally consistant and organized with all my various types of files for all my various
things [like the tons of games I seem to be involved with--or at least it feels that way]. So anyway, I did run out of
room, and I ended up saving things to my mp3 player. I really hope to take care of this soon, so I can get back to
game production and writing. And most hopefully of all, I really really mean to organize everything properly and not
have multiples of the same file floating around who-knows-where.

And lastly, soon it will be time to bid "Farewell!" to The Stylin' Van. Turns out our Neighbours [<-That way] have a
buddy that deals in used vehicles. Dad is really actively checking out prices and comparing them and stuff like that.
Even though SV is close to death but still functional, I guess better safe than sorry. But I will be sorry to see her
go, we have all been to the East Side of the country and back, and in to the States more than a few times, too. It
probably shouldn't be so sad, but this is what happens when you give things names. You get sentimental and emotionally
attatched. And yes, the new van will have a name too. It is the natural way of things.

And now, "Farewell" to me, I must sleep.

[I know I would try and get some more OROW planning done, but now I am just too tired. In the morning. I Still Have My
Vision!]

That's Band-tastic!

2008-06-10T17:18:00.000-04:00

Clearly I am looking forward to our daytrip tomorrow. But only yesterday at dinner did I realize it entailed spending
an hour on a schoolbus with 12 and 13 yearolds. I'm thinking that will be the only downside to it, just that they will
be annoying and loud. I mean, they will probably remember me from last year, and Em helped them out earlier this year
at a festival, so there won't be that awkward "who-are-these-strange-and-older-teenagers" stage. Not to mention that
Kettrick already told them all that "Margaret's sisters will be coming, since we have a desparate need for some trumpet
players". There goes my element of surprise. I have nothing else, they will all be taller than me. So don't bother
looking for me online or anything, because I am gone for the whole day. Actually, we don't know exactly the times we
are leaving and returning, since Gret never brought home a permission form. The plan all along was that we would just
go with her in the morning, but just to confirm things me and Em were gonna go pick Greta up from school today so we
could talk with Kettrick about timing and what to wear and such. As luck would have it, Kettrick is not there today,
so we will just talk to the office about it. The secretary knows us; she has been there since the school opened. All
that aside, I am still looking forward to our first [and probably last] experience together, the 3 sisters, in the same
band, on a band trip together. A little bit sentimental [semi-mental!] I know... shh. I do that a lot.

That list from the other day... it is so maddening how I was having so much trouble thinking of things to put in it,
and now that it is done-- and even as I was at like #95-- I started thinking of lots of things I would have liked to
put in. Like how I managed to make a sizable hole in the wall of the bedroom Em and I shared in our old house with my
head. That was a fun day. I don't ever plan on doing another list like that, unless of course, a few years down the
road this blog dies and I start a new one somewhere else. I hope that will not happen.

Oh oh yes and I was rudely awakened today. At first I couldn't identify the sound; the first thing I thought of was
'gunfire', but that is impossible. It sounded twice more and I realized what it was: Mom was popping the leftover
balloons from her party. I opened the door and shouted "Do you MIND?!" That startled her, which made no sense to me.
Then she explained that she forgot I was here. Like.. thanks, my shoes have been in the front hall since I've been home.
Ouch. Well I couldn't get back to sleep after that, but I haven't been dizzy [yet?] today, so I guess it was enough
sleep.

It's an unusual time for me to be writing [it is just after lunch], but I wanted to get things down in preparation for
tomorrow, since I don't think I will be able to chronicle the 'adventure' in the same day, due to exhaustion, heatstroke,
dehydration, or a combination of the 3. All have happened to me at Wonderland before. At the very least I hope to be
able to get down a few points so I can remember stuff later.

I guess now I will attempt some more work for MAGS.

Peace, homies.

[Okay.. tiny ending, just to wrap it up.
Greta ended up coming home on her own "you took too long", and AGS has some sort of massive error. Like I finished the main
walkcycle and drew two rooms, so I wanted to load the whole thing and check for proportions. The character loaded fine, but
the background looked like an exploding lo-res volcano, and it was flashing. When I tried to close it, the whole thing froze
and I got a huge error message "AGS does not know how to deal with this error, copy and paste this into the technical forum.
I didn't save the message cause I was sorta freaked out, but I am pretty sure it will show up again.]

Skipping Ahead and Summing It Up

2008-06-10T02:35:00.000-04:00

That stupid list is taking too long, and I have more important things I want to say, so I am gonna cheat a bit and
progress with other entries.

Firstly, for the past two or three nights, including tonight, it has thundered and lightning-ed lots. Loudly. Because
of that, and me being a rather light sleeper, I have been sleep deprived. At this point because it was consecutive days,
I am so 'out of it' that I had a few spontaneous dizzy spells, during one of which I thought I was going to fall out
of my chair. It's sort of scary to think about. I can't remember if anyone else was home at that point, so I don't want
to imagine what would have happened if no one was and I had fallen over and fainted...

Which reminds me, I almost lost my stealthiness today. I was fine for the however-many-hours I spent on there this
morning after Mom left, but I forgot one key thing to maintaining my cover: my USB key. I don't know how I forgot it,
and Mom probably wouldn't have noticed it was still there if I hadn't gone over and retrieved it while she was right
there. But I had gone up to ask her a question, and I saw it there and had a tiny wave of panic. I should have just
waited. I let it go until about half an hour later. Em and I were watching TV, and suddenly Mom calls for Em with a
hint of panic/rage in her voice. The only bit of conversation I heard from them was "But Mom! That wasn't me!" so the
first thing I thought of was that somehow I had accidentally messed with something on the computer that showed up on
Mom's account. I finally had the chance to ask Em about it later, and it only had to do with Mom's laptop. Phew.
As far as I can be sure, Mom still thinks that Em is the only one that has access to The Forbidden Computer, but
tomorrow I had better check on that, just to be sure.

Yesterday was Greta's final Young Singers concert for the year. [Young Singers is an organization of 4 child and youth
choirs that she has been a part of for probably 4 years now.] It was really neat to hear all the different age and skill
levels represented, but my absolute favourite choir was the one that is a 'level' above Greta's, called the Random
Notes. I think the youngest age it accepts is 14, but I know they go to at least my age. I was just so impressed and
in awe of their skill and enthusiasm they displayed, and they fun they were having while performing. It might be the
sort of thing I could get into, since I don't exactly have a band to be a part of next year, but I don't know if I could
pass the audition. Hearing some of the soloists, especially the ones from Greta's choir just because of their age,
sort of put some doubt in my mind. I am by no means a trained singer, and the course I had to take last year about
singing taught me that I have so much that I could improve on with my singing voice. Problems that I didn't know even
existed insisted on persisting. So we will see if I get the courage to perhaps try. It also depends on the job I end
up with in the fall. Actually, one of my favourite parts of the concert other than the Random Notes was the all-choir
arrangement of a selection from *Oliver!*, which was my first musical that I was in..... in the pitband, but still I
knew the songs better than most of the cast. And yes I sang along during performances.

One last thing I would like to add: I am a bit frustrated, mostly at myself, at not being able to come up with ideas
for things. Namely game ideas. I am bothered by the fact that I haven't been in a creative mood/ability for a pretty
long time now. Technical difficulties and obstacles are also an endless source of frustration. ~End complaint~

Well there is the quick sum-up of the two days. I am pretty much done here, I suppose I will attempt to sleep. Once again
it is 'nasty hot', and I wish I had a thermometer so I could keep a track of the actual temperature. I hope I am not
dizzy again tomorrow, cause that was just not fun at all.

Oh, and I leave with this key phrase [to a select group of people]: "Mother Cara Approves."

G'night kids.

Can't Sleep

2008-06-09T02:14:00.000-04:00

Ugh... can't sleep. Not because of the heat, actually. Thankfully, it has cooled down completely. But I still can't
seem to fall asleep! I don't feel tired enough, which is really bugging me. It's past midnight, one would think I
would be 'tired enough', especially considering when my house shuts down.

I am also worried by my computer problems. This isn't about internet firewalls etc, but the Processes listed in the
Task Manager. I know that previously when I have posted about my various computer woes, I was told that 'less than 40'
is the normal number. I thought I would check out what the list looked like when I first start the computer. The
initial number I get is 23. Then it quickly starts to climb. Within a minute, it is all the way up to 50. Even now, it
is alternating between 50-53. The part that bugs me the most is that quite a few of them are repeated. Not just the
image name, but the user name as well [even though I am the only real user on here, I have the guest account enabled,
in case either systr needs to type something up, but apparently 'Local Service', 'Network Service' and 'System' are
also usernames]. So I don't know what to do about it, since Dad refuses to help me fix my computer anymore. Oh well...
not like I need it for school or anything.

Soooo to help quell my awakeness, I thought I would try something that I haven't done for a few years, not since my
previous blogging attempts 3 years ago. It is called:

*100 Things About Me*
1) I have a real name!
2) I am 19.5 years old as of yesterday
3) My room is being taken over by penguins
4) I hope to not repeat anything because that is bad memory/cheating
5) My main form of music-ing is my trumpet
6) My trumpet's name is Cat
7) I play 7 musical instruments last count. I know there are more I can play, I just can't remember them.
8) I am also very out of practice ^
9) I have two younger sisters
10) I am shorter than I thought
11) I have more friends outside my country than in it
12) I still remember nearly everything I learned about HTML in my computer class 5 years ago
13) I wish I was really good at AGS
14) If I had a super power, I would want to be able to turn invisible
15) Most of my friends are younger than me
16) I have 2 guinea pigs
17) I am skilled at walking with the pair of stilts in my garage
18) I wish I could get to sleep.
19) I already have my first mosquito bites of the summer
20) I have never broken any bones, only jammed a toe in
21) I am responsible for most/all of Em's previous injuries. Accident, really!
22) One of my nicknames may as well be my real name because it is used so much, as well as being a proper name on its own anyway.
23) I dearly love my pirates.
24) I've always wanted to try glassblowing
25) One day I hope to be able to travel to 'the homeland'
26) I am already having trouble thinking of things
27) I have been to 7 Provinces and I forget the number of States and one other country besides
28) My right eye is nearsighted and my left eye used to be farsighted but it isn't anymore
29) I have 4 cousins
30) I am the oldest granddaughter on both sides of the family
31) Past this generation, my last name won't be passed on
32) I can reach 20cm past my toes
33) I used to be able to do the splits
34) When standing, I can bend over double
35) I like to eat really spicy food
36) My favourite colour is blue
37) I am hungry
38) I have been playing Nintendo since I was 4
39) My default character is Princess Peach, but Luigi is really cool too
40) My eyes are green and brown
41) My ears are pierced 5 times: 3 on one side and 2 on the other
42) I have a summer job that I am really excited about
43) I hope to be able to get to the cottage this year
44) I've also always wanted to be an acrobat
45) In total, I've had 5 jobs, including babysitting
46) I can sing well enough, but I wish I could sing really well
47) I have a great memory for really random and weird occurances
48) I think I know what I want to name my future kids, just cause you get bored and think of these things
49) I think that watching insects, including spiders, is really fascinating
50) I am yawning, so I will try sleeping again
51) We have a 'pet spider' in our basement. We call him "Mr. S. Pie-durr". The 'S' is short for 'Steven'.
52) I have had 3 sets of braces, 3 retainers, headgear, and other stuff
53) ^ Eight years of orthodontics
54) One dimple is deeper and lower than the other
55) My favourite number is 0 [YES IT DOES COUNT]
56) I have ADD
57) I am pretty much officially obsessed with making sure the dirty dishes are in the dishwasher. You mess with my dishwasher, I mess with your face.
58) I don't like most vegetables = fairly picky eater
59) I used to have a teddybear hamster
60) On spelling tests, I didn't spell one word wrong till grade 2. The word was of, and I spelt it 'uv'.
61) I still want to teach music
62) When I tutor Greta on French Horn, I don't feel very effective without my Stick of Education [which is bamboo]
63) I can roll my tongue
64) When I open a can of pop, I always turn the tab to the right
65) Pepsi is better than Coke
66) I prefer to not use the phone if I can help it
67) The most useful word I have 'invented' is "Awkscan"
68) Very poor spelling and punctuation upsets me and occasionally causes headaches
69) I pick up accents pretty easily
70) For 3 years I wondered if toothpaste is flammable. I still haven't really found out.
71) People always seem to think I am drunk at certain kinds of events. Funny thing is, I don't drink.
72) This stupid list is messing wtih my blogging schedule because I can't think of things so it has taken more time than I hoped.
73) I consider myself to be a pretty stealthy individual
74) I suck at improving jazz solos
75) I am still somewhat nervous [toned-down version of 'afraid'] of the dark
76) Tall people tend to intimidate me
77) I have a dark green, 2-piece rainsuit
78) I am famous for said rainsuit at camp. If there is even the slightest hint of rain for the day, people know I will be wearing it.
79) That being said, it is fairly needless to say that I do enjoy frolicking out in the rain, even during a thunderstorm. But only in my rainsuit.
80) I have all four Magical Trevor songs memorized. So do my sisters. When we are in the right mood, we will sing them for days.
81) I once fainted in a public washroom
82) When I was young I once painted my teeth with whiteout
83) I was climbing everywhere before I could walk... like on top of the toilet tank
84) I can play Pachelbel's Canon in D on the piano with my eyes closed
85) Origami = win
86) I used to compose short pieces of music
87) I used to write poetry
88) I was in a marching band this past school year and I am really going to miss it next year
89) I have a collection of 'old' colouring books that I share with Em. These are special because we have make special alterations to the pictures and made the story completely ridiculous. I will keep them forever.
90) I wonder if I could go into something like hairdressing because I have also always been fascinated by the 'science' of what colours look good on different skintones, but moreso with hair because I could never go into fashion.
91) I scar pretty easily
92) I sing in the car whenever I get the chance.
93) Sometimes I don't realize if I have said something wrong or offended someone, just because I don't see anything wrong with what I said
94) Unfortunately, I seem to have all my energy in the late afternoon-night, when my entire house is shutting down and I am 'not allowed' to do anything.
95) Every year that I have had a summer job, it has been at/with a camp
96) I might have a fall job
97) I hate real arguements and disagreeing with my friends, but I think I like just-for-fun heated debates
98) I am sad when my friends are sad about stuff, so when I can, I try to everything I can to fix it
99) Often I wish I had an older sibling
100) I am a Christian, and have been attending church since the week I was born pretty much

YAY! I AM FINALLY DONE THIS LIST!! ...on June 9th

We Need a Pool.

2008-06-08T01:21:00.000-04:00

It is nasty hot out. Aside from that [and having woke up with a feeling of 'Something Should/Is Going To Happen Today',
or 'empty anticipation'], it was a rather uneventful day. My mom's sister was over again, though, and we had a wonderful
game of 'Things'. Oh, and the neighbours got a puppy. So now, our neighbours to the right, the neighbours two to the
right, the neighbours across the street, and the people behind us have dogs, and the ones to the left of us might get
one. I feel so left out, but at least we have our piggies. The problem is that Mom is allergic to fur. I will just
have to borrow the neighbour's new puppy cause it is sooo adorable. They won't notice, right? Heh heh.

Wow... I totally forgot was I was about to say. It's happening a lot lately and it's sort of disturbing. Fortunately
for the most part my family is understanding and will repeat things for me.

Uhm uhm uhmmmmm what elssssse....

Well there have been no in-house assessments for my other kids for the summer yet, which is sort of disappointing, but
I have to remember that I still have a few weeks to go. I can't help it, I am really looking forward to it. I just
hope that for the sake of my optimism that I am not disappointed. I mean, that probably sounds really selfish, but I
don't know how else to word it.

I guess that is it for now, I will just try and draw some more for my MAGS game. It's harder than I thought; I've sort
of lost direction. Probably a combination of not being able to translate what I drew on the paper to what I draw on
my screen, and not being able to draw well at all in the first place. Ach.

I wonder if I will be able to fall asleep, it is so terribly hot and humid.

Oh... and it is my half-birthday today. Woooo 19.5!

Aren't you all so proud of me? I am getting less long-winded lately! Yay!

Gradulations!

2008-06-07T02:46:00.000-04:00

Phew! So here we are mid-party. I just came up here for a little bit of quiet and un-crowded-ness and to fix my hair, which has fallen down. To clarify, that is down, not *out*. We've got about 40 people around my house right now. In
the kitchen, family room, and in the backyard. Sad that they seem to have opted to stay out of the livingroom and basement. I mean, we have pingpong down there; how cool is that? Really really cool. I wish that some of the people that came from church brought their offspring, because it is slightly lonely for Greta and I. Em seems to be doing just fine, she was even playing her bass outside. The grad ceremony itself was long and sorta boring and sorta cold. The energetic side of me was having a really hard time just sitting there still. We were in our seats from 1-4, and then we came home and quickly put the last-minute touches to everything and arranged all the food all prettily. And then when some people brought bouquets of flowers for Mom, we had to figure out where to put them all. Sooooo as the official
photographer, I should probably get back to that. I hope the amount of food I have so far eaten does not catch up with me.
... I sorta feel sick now already [it is 8:12. Wait.. that doesn't mean it is MID-party, but almost at the end. It is supposed to end at 9, but it is still so light outside that it will not end until like 10].

*WHOOSH!*

Ooookay, so even my prediction was off. People didn't all finally leave till 11. And in the end, a couple ended up bringing their girls [Rachel, 5, and Eva, 3]. They were so cute and full of energy, too. They loved our guinea pigs, but they kept calling them 'the bunnies'. Also, they had a rather unhealthy obsession with Taffy: "Can we see that dead bunny in the ground? Why is she in the ground?" I guess they didn't understand the concept of "she is dead." Hehe oh well. But it was really neat towards the end because for like 10 minutes they were both sitting on my lap in
the backyard on a chair, and we were all 3 looking up at the stars and I was explaining some constellations, like I taught them about the Big Dipper which we could see, and I think they saw it. I dunno why, I just really enjoyed that
'moment'. A couple of times though, my house was so full that to get from the backyard to the rest of my house I would have to go all the way around to the front door and proceed that way. I was barefoot the whole time, so the result is that my feet are pretty much black from all the mud and driveway. Oh well, I am too tired to wash them. I can feel my eyes closing as it is, but I wanted to finish this before tomorrow so I didn't have to try and remember stuff.

It is 11:45, and I finally had to convince my parents to stop cleaning up stuff and go to bed, cause it can all be done
tomorrow. And I need to go to bed.

Stuff! (aka, No Witty Title Today)

2008-06-06T02:02:00.000-04:00

I am pleased to document another good day. Even though it was the Weekly Housework Festival, I didn't mind much. I don't know where my mind was, but it wasn't anywhere saddening. = win! Let's seee.....

Okay, so, today at lunch Mom came home with some cool news for me. See, a few days ago at dinner, we were discussing Em and Gret's upcoming journey to Wonderland [a pretty big amusement park like an hour away. You can see it on Google Earth totally clearly]. I was lamenting because this was to be the first year in seven or eight years that I would not be going there with a school band. As luck would have it, today Mom was volunteering in my old elementary school, and she was talking to the music teacher, Mrs. Kettrick. There are a few things I should explain about Kettrick, just so that I am not backtracking later on. We start instrumental music in grade 7, but she came to us in my Gr.8 year. Huge change from the teacher before: No one liked her because she was sooo tough. She would talk-louder-than-normal
at you for any possible error. As the weeks went on, I managed to work myself on to her good side, because I was one of the few in the grade who actually wanted to learn from her. While I was afraid of her, I could see that praise from her was totally worth it. I guess you could say I sort of became her favourite, because I guess everyone else stayed so afraid of her. But she is a great teacher, and you know that when she respects you, you truly deserve it. It was in her classroom that I co-oped in just this past year, tutoring all manner of children as I believe I may have mentioned earlier. Anyway, mom was talking to Kettrick, and she was going on and on about all the progress Gret is making with the band. [I have to brag, she is the only grade 6 in it, and one of 2 french horns. That means she is good. Maybe
because I tried to teach her trumpet when she was seven? I couldn't help it.] Then Kettrick went on to mention the Wonderland trip that the band is taking and that Em is also going on, due to a severe shortage of trumpet players. So Kettrick says to my mom "If Emily has any friends that can play the trumpet, tell them to come cause I really need them!" Clearly that's where I come in, I guess Kettrick didn't realize I was home. This is a cool thing now: 1) All 3 of us are in the same band. 2)Kettrick can't get rid of me! Ha ha ha. I am still cool, right? I can't wait to see the progress that my 'favourite' students have made. I trained 'em real good and all. YAY WONDERLAND! MY TRADITION IS SAAAVED!

As I think we all know by now, Mom's gradulation party/open house is on for tomorrow. Regretfully, Mom's guest of honour can no longer make it. She was Mom's grade 3 teacher, Mrs. Chepurney, and the one who inspired her to pursue her dream
of being a teacher. About 6 months ago Mom tracked her down, and they instantly re-bonded. Turns out Mom was like her favourite student or something like that. I am really sad that Mrs. C. can't come, I wanted to meet the lady whom I am named after. I could see that Mom was so crushed too, she was so eager to introduce her to the family. Speaking of the fam, I am pretty excited to see them all. Both sets of grandparents are coming, as well as Mom's sister and Dad's sister.
I might post a picture. Yay!

sometimes I still have soooo much energy. Today whilst houseworking, I didn't just walk around. I am pretty sure I was literally bouncing everywhere. Our familyroom is sunken, and I would refuse to just step into it, I would full-out jump. No idea where it came from, but I couldn't be [as] normal [as possible]. Maybe I am just excited about everything, who knows? Either way, it sure beats feeling terrible like I have in the past.

It is raining, I should probably shut my window. It's like 1 foot away and I just do not feel like getting up. I don't see anything getting wet, sooo yes I am not going to move.

I did actually do some game drawings though. Unfortunately, in her cleaning frenzy Mother-dearest discarded them. Luckily I still have them in my head so I just have to get them into the computer. I think one of my challenges will be figuring out how to know which size to draw the objects and characters so that they are in correct proportion with my backgrounds. Anyone know an easy way?

And finally, today I realized how much I missed the witty banter of Stickam. That is, at least until it gets into stuff I have no idea about. Just a small paragraph about that.

Ooookay, I need my sleep because of the Very Long And Busy Day tomorrow. As the official photographer, I need to be on top of the game.

Nighty-night.

[Oh dear. It is thundering and no doubt lighten-ing. I guess it is time to shut my window...]

Two Days in One! That Would Be a Great Deal, Except That You Can't Buy It

2008-06-04T04:07:00.000-04:00

Whoa! This is the first time I have ever missed a day of entrying. No telling how long this monster will end up [NO
'that's what she said!'-ing. None. I will not allow it here. Hehe.] I will make this as non-rambly as I can. Hooray!

So, the evening of June 3rd, we had the 'second half' of our Job Orientation in the form of Parent's Night. All our
different 'departments' had little booths set up where parents could bring their children to learn more about the
camps they were going to be attending and to meet some of the staff. When I arrived, I was given my copy of the papers
that told us who had what child for each week of the summer. There are 8 weeks in all, the first one starts on June 30th.
I only have 3 children throughout the summer too, and they all have varying degrees of autism. Now, don't tell my
supervisor [Lyndsay], but I didn't really read through the agreement-thing regarding internet confidentiality, so for
now I will refer to them by lettername. 'Child A' has mild autism with some language and speech delay and he is 11 or
12. I have him for the first three weeks in a row, and then again on Week 5. 'Child B' has more of a degree of autism,
and he is 13. I have him for 3 weeks throughout the summer. 'Child C' has the same level of autism as B, and I have her
for the remaining weeks. She is 6. That is from memory as my sheets are downstairs. I only actually met B, and he is
'very shy with girls' as his mother explained. I hardly needed that; it was very obvious from the way he was burying
his face into his mother's shoulder. Neither was it so graceful, as he was much taller than she. Oddly enough I have
seen him before, when I was picking up Greta from the orthodontist. This means that Lyndsay and I will be making some
in-home assessments for A and C. Everyone that it has come up with has been telling me what a great kid A is, and that
I will love working with him. I am told that he likes lights, namely turning the switches on and off, and computers.
I will just have to teach him all about AGS. Ha ha ha. As for C, no one knows about her because it is her first year.
Also, it is not just one camp that these kids each will be attending. It might be a bit complicated for me to explain,
but I will try. The Town runs a whole bunch of programs, or camps, under the Recreation and Culture department. The
staff for these is all trained together, and they all seem pretty interchangeable. It's strange though; for my schedule,
I will pretty much be at the same park the entire time even though I am going to like 4 different camps. Ooooh but one
week is an out-trip camp, we will be going to some really cool things. Sadly, I am missing out on the Teen Out-trip Camp
where they would do things like The Ontario Science Centre and Wonderland. They are also to see Indiana Jones at the
theatre and stuff like that. But I am lucky to have got the other out-trips anyway, and with A too. I am looking forward
to meeting my other 2 kids. As I heard some of the other Integration Counselors meeting their kids and the respective
parents, I couldn't help overhearing things like "keep an eye on him or he'll run off" and "sometimes she will just
randomly get up and wander around". I sort of cringed inside as I realized that they might as well have been talking
about child-me, because that is exactly what I did.... Hoo boy.

I haven't worked on any more of my game sadly. I need some serious direction for that. I am not asking for help (cause
that is cheating!), but I need to actually sit down and plan out the storyline and give myself a real idea of what I
will need to draw. After this game is complete, I--I mean 'we'-- already have plans for another one. 'We' is me and
Indie Boy; I just think we would work well together. We shall see how this turns out, but I have high hopes.

Lately, well namely these past few nights, I have been so exhausted. Usually it is a bit of a struggle to start the
process of sleeping [I tell you, I am WEIRD!], but now by the time I get to writing this, that is if I get there,
my eyes are half-way closed. However, my routine really hasn't changed. I don't get it, but it's nice to actually feel
tired for a change. Hard to explain, and it probably sounds sorta dumb, but this is my blog and not anyone else's so
I can make all the un-sense I want. ...Defensive much? Unnecessarily so, I know. My bad.

Since it is Mthyr's graduation from Teacher's College on Friday the 6th, she needs a special outfit, right? Well the
problem with that is that she HAS NOTHING! All of her clothes are really old-fashioned, so helping her figure something
out was really difficult. She ended up calling over her sister to come and help her, and in the end we convinced Mom to
[PLEASE!] go shopping and get a top and some specific kind of shoe. Result: she dragged me all over creation for 2.5
hours, and came back with only a pair of shoes. It is really difficult to shop with her for her because while she wants
me there for advice, she won't listen to it. Pleh. Fortunately I know exactly what I am wearing and I am excited about it
because it is a chance to look pretty for once. I did get a chance to look in some stores on my own [I went to Future
Shop and EB Games, I could not help it. Nerrrrd!] and I met one of my old high school Band Buddies! I hadn't seen her
for probably close to a year, and it was really nice to catch up with her. She totally understood my problem with
school because turns out she had ended up doing something similar, though she is going back this September. And
since she works in a video game store, she was sad to hear about my DS and was kind enough to point out the great
sale they have going on for them right now. Something about trading in games towards the value of a new one. Yay! She is
also going to invite me to the next Ultimate Frizbee game that they get going [I will explain.. Another bunch of bandies,
one in particular, love UF, so there are games every so often. I think it started on the Europe tour. They stopped inviting
me cause I kept forgetting to go...], even though I am not very good at it. She told me that some people don't even play,
they just show up to be social. I will get out of the house! Yaaay people! I am excited to see my band-mates again. And
the others that are also in the 'Frizbee Club'.

A while ago, Bic [at least, I think it was him] told those of us who were on AGStickam about something called Blissymbols.
I pretty much forgotten about the coresponding PDF file until tonight for some reason, and I finally took a look at it.
It looks like a really neat and useful language to learn. Great for secret codes, possibly even for a puzzle in an AGS
game. [In-dieeee?] I must download more lessons!

Phew! That is a lot of typing [I also edited a friend's essay] for one day. And I wish I had food, but it is 1:06AM
and I would hate to cause my parents to wake up because I was accidentally loud in the kitchen. Seriously, I didn't
realize that so much time had gone by. I am going to be a Stubborn Sylvy and not even sleep yet. I will play a little
Harvest Moon... farming win!

Two Years and a Good Day

2008-06-03T01:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, so to start, there are a lot of things planned for 2 years. The first one, or at least the one that was really
discussed was the Pirate Meeting. I don't need to say much about it here, but last night there was a bit of an excellent
discussion on it, which got me all psyched up again about it. There are just a few factors that we have to settle at
some [hopefully soon] point, but I guess we have a bit of time still... heh. The other thing that I hope to do is go
to Scotland with my friend [Vysytr]. We plan to visit our other friend, who was over here on exchange and joined our marching band.
She might come back here next year, so we would go to visit her over there the year after. Of course, if she doesn't come
back here next year, we would go then. I also wouldn't mind seeing Ireland and England, y'know, just to visit most of
'the homeland'.

This evening was my job orientation. I was pretty nervous on the way there, but now, I can't remember why. I think it
was because I was going to be in a foreign social situation, and I was afraid that I was not going to have all the
papers I needed to fill out the form [because the letter said 'if you don't have (these informations), you will be asked
to leave Orientation and will not be able to start with the Town until you complete it], and because I wouldn't be able
to remember all the information I was going to hear, since I'm not good at remembering verbal instruction. But none of
that was a problem, as I had a friend that actually got the same job I did, so it was nice to be at the same table so
we could help each other out. Tomorrow night we have to be at a Parents' Night, where we will hopefully meet the children
we will be working with all summer. They change from week to week, and our supervisor said she would be working on the
list of who will work with whom tonight, so I hope everyone shows up. The only child I said I would be uncomfortable
working with was a "really really tall" 12-year-old boy with 'oppositional defiance disorder'. I was mostly uncomfortable
with the 'really really tall' part. We also got our Town t-shirts and nametag. I have never had a nametag for any job I have
had, so that was sort of cool, to walk in and see my nametag as a sort of placecard. I hope I won't get too paranoid
about wearing it, I would always hide the side of the lable on my trumpet case with my name on it when I was walking with it.

And Em might finally have a job, too. We learned from our pastor last Sunday that there is a camp still looking for
people. She was able to get some good information from it from both our pastor and a young couple that worked there for
many years, as did their family, and the really significant thing is that once you're there, you don't come home until
the end of the summer. She probably could if it was closer, but it is a whole 2 hours away. As sad as that is, she went
ahead and emailed her resumé and filled out an application because she didn't hear back from any other job. I guess we will
have to resort to the good ol' fashioned pen-and-paper method of communicating. She hasn't yet told her boyfriend about it,
though... After plans to visit had been made suddenly impossible, he has been in a great mood somehow and she doesn't want
to shatter that by telling him that they won't be able to talk as much as they normally would. But she has to do it soon.
Even though she hasn't actually received an offer of a position, it is still a good idea to tell him and let it sink in.

Yes yes, I can also talk about my game. Geez! Well I didn't do anything tonight because I am really tired, but the night
before that I completed the title screen as well as a front view of Squishypenguin, without.. uhm.. his 'accessories'.
See I don't want to spoil it. Hopefully today I will get some more done.

So yeah, today was great. I am really looking forward to starting my job, even though it will be a challenge sometimes.
Come to think of it, any summer job I have had has been at a camp, which this is too, just in a bit of a different
capacity.

The End.

Yay MAGS... and Other Stuff

2008-06-02T01:00:00.000-04:00

Happy June One-st! I am planning to make this a short entry tonight, so I will get started. For those of you that
don't know, MAGS [Monthly AGS] means a game-making competition every month at the AGS forums. Since I still have a month
until my job starts, I think this is a great time to enter. Thanks to a brainstorming session with Indie [Look! There is
your 'special shout-out'!], I think I have a pretty decent idea set to go. I don't really want to say too much, not that
there is even too much to say as of yet, but it involves my favourite animal. Anyone who knows me should very well know
what that is. Enthusiasm plus a poor working knowledge of AGS 3.0 will make for a very interesting experience indeed.
And before long I hope to have something to show for all that thinking, which is part of the reason I intend to make this
very short: I want to start drawing! so thanks, Indie.

And speaking of my job, the first [general] orientation is tomorrow evening from 4-7. Fortunately I do know a few people
that are going, so I do hope that I won't wind up like a loner by myself. And maybe they will give us free pizza like
last time. That was a nice bonus.

Tonight was the most fun I had with [most of] my family in a long time. Mom's sister was over, and somehow it turned
into Game Night. I only played one game with them, Things, which a few people might recognize from an attempt on Stickam.
It was hilarious! I learned that you shouldn't pee in the corner of a bus. Yes. But at the end my mom said that I am
looking pale due to my not going outside so much. My aunt agreed. Sigh. Bad sign, but I think I will tan nicely this
summer. Nothing like a little colour and fresh air.

And that's it! Nice short entry. I don't know how I managed that. Maybe it's the new drugs. Oops-- yes, I switched drugs.
Buuuuut I will not say what kind they are. Again, I want to see if anyone can point out a change.

Art time! Wheeeee!

One Angry Saturday

2008-05-31T18:58:00.000-04:00

How can one simple question turn into mass frustration and a little bit of rage? Well it all depends on who you ask it to:
"Can I please have the internet, Dad?"
He starts asking what I am going to do with it, and although I am not reminded about getting course calendars for somelocal colleges until he reminds me of it, that is something I really wanted to do today. The 'discussion' went further, like about how "your mother and I are being 'enablers' of you to stay here comfortably without you moving forward withyour life, because we let you on the internet so much. We briefly discussed what would happen if we just completely unsubscribed to the internet and cable." That is the unthinkable, because so much of my communication takes place on-line, as well as having all my friends pretty much on-line [also, even if they are 'real life', they are too faraway to go visit, and NO one in this neighbourhood is my age]. The 'discussion' dragged on and on, and my dad has thisreally aggrivating way of just sort of staring at you for a long time when you ask him a question, at least in my caseanyway. So I was really frustrated, and he even drove me to tears. ONE SIMPLE QUESTION! Augh! Truthfully, I do not know where I want to work in the fall (and I am kindly reminded by my father "Well, you don't have much choice about where."), and I don't really know where I can start. Unfortunately, I don't think this summer job is one that can carry on intothe fall, but I wonder if maybe there are jobs related to it that I can just sorta jump into. So there is the morning report; all that happened like 10 minutes ago. And I don't get the internet.

Mom has invited me to help her garden, I will go complain to her. And garden. And bring the pigs ouside.

...

Okay, well so much for that. Initially, I was told by Mom "Go ahead and get started, I will be out there in a second. I just have to finish preparing this food." I did some work, then came in to check on her progress. In the end, she said "I don't feel well, I have to lie down now. Can you finish?" Great, there goes any chance I had to talk to her. I had every intention of going back out to finish what I started, but I got distracted by Em in the kitchen when I went upstairsto get my music. We ended up taking a section of the newspaper and altering the pictures with pens to make them funny. Those were the good old days. We used to do that with colouring books too, and we still have most of them [Mom threw the other ones out]. Em said she was gonna help me garden, too. But before we got our chance, Mom and Dad whooshed us all to Other-Sister [okay, I will give her a name now. I call her Greta, among other odd nicknames]'s Drama Club's performance. It was a cute little show, even though it ended a bit abruptly. We came home for a 'nice waffle lunch', but it turned nasty as Greta accidentally spilled her milk, and then everyone was upset at me for something I said, which I didn't think was so bad. I forget what it was, but it related to who is cleaning up the mess, even though I was already up and moving for something to wipe it up with. I don't remember the details. Later, it is Greta's turn to clean the [guinea] pigs' cage, and apparently something is later my fault again. I don't understand the constantblaming me for stuff. It doesn't help that people are setting off fireworks in the morning and waking me up. I am still not sleeping well and I am actually pretty tired now, so I think I will take a nap. Hopefully everyone will have calmeddown by the time I emerge. As of now, I have no intention of leaving my room until tomorrow and it is only 1:17pm. How unfortunate.

Aaaaand an approximate 4 hour nap later, and I feel much better. But nothing much is going on, other than Em and Grethaving a watergun fight with the neighbours. It's a rather unfair match, as Em is ninja-tastic and the neighbours in question are 12 and 10. I hear the sounds of Greta getting pwned, as per her screams. Eh-heh-heh-heh...So nothing left to write about for now. Yay two entries posted in one day!

"Heeeere, 'Puter, 'Puter, 'Puter! Goooood Computer! Have a Floppy Disk!"

2008-05-30T04:00:00.000-04:00

So for anyone who was on AGStickam when I logged off yesterday, I said "I hope they aren't going to murder me..."Well I was not far off. Indeed, there was another bit of a verbal scuffle about computer/internet time but that was beforethe aforementioned statement. Evidently, the effect of that scuffle carried over into house-shutting-down-time (which was actually like 10. I am so proud of my family. ...oh please. Anyway...) because Em ended up going upstairs pretty pissedoff at me because while Mom was already lecturing me in the kitchen (she was trying to scare me into "becoming big" becauseI said I was hungry right before we went upstairs for bed), she decided to jump in and rant at me with something like "You always think everything good has to go to you and I am sick of it." And Mom agreed that I am hard to live with. I don't reallyknow what to make of that. See, I know I can be frustrating and rude sometimes, but it is really just a defense mechanism andI told them that. I wish I didn't have to use it, but when they are harping at me for mistakes I made, I can't just take it,especially if it's not fair. Other Sis is annoyed at me too, something about the TV. I guess I need to really watch myselfand try to figure out if my rage is justified and try to control it. Ugh..

Today is a Monthiversary. Not a happy one neither. Two months ago I lost my best friend. It wasn't a death or anything so permanent,but as some of you know, we are banned from communicating. It sucks, and I still miss him a lot. I pretty much have to pretendhe really is dead, but that's worse, I think. It's just difficult not being able to have him to talk to about stuff. I don'twant to dwell on it too much cause it will make me feel worse, but I just wanted to get that out there. Two unfortunate months.

I have been told that I write "too much". Hey, I know I go off on tangents a lot. It is how I think. And I ramble too. And change topics rapidly and with no connection. Welcome to the scattered world of My Brain. I know I write excessively, and I am okay with that. Keep in mind, you are the ones who choose to read this, and it's really good for me to know that people do. One of the reasons I write so much is that this is really my only time to really enjoy some time without people coming to bug me about their turn on thecomputer or tell me what new housework to do, or yell at me for something I did wrong. I just get to sit and think and type a lot.When I get really old I will be just like The Crazy Cat Lady, except replace 'Cat' with 'Computers and other Piles of Fun Electronics'.Like, as much as I needed some structure in my days and some instruction from other people (remember the 'funn' I had in my rez room?),sometimes this is too much. Too much instruction, too many people, too many problems. But I hope I can at least develop a coherent 'writingstyle'. Am I even making any sense now?

There was some strange talk at dinner yesterday. It seems that Dad encountered a former friend on the train home [from our former church], and got an update on their 3 kids... well not kids at all anymore. We heard nothing about their youngest (who is just a year younger thanI... I think), their middle is going to Zimbabwe for a year to evaluate the work being done, like a missions trip I think [as you can tell,I sorta tuned out some of it], which sounds incredible. Reminds me of my Haiti trip in '03(?) Well either way it was the year of that blackout in August. And their oldest has one more year of her Master's degree to go in Voice. She is an amazing singer. After that she will be doingsomething with ... oh dear...it might be like the top national opera company, but I forget the name. But it is huge. In addition, she is alsoengaged to someone, again from my old church, so we've known [of] them for a long time. Like... Whoa! Everyone seems to be getting engaged! And by 'everyone' I meanthose two as well as two friends of mine that were also on the Haiti missions trip with me. [They were from a different church that came with us.]Actually, it's a neat story how we re-connected, so excuse my tangent:

[One day in March-May, I travelled to the campus of my university to register for classes and get my student card. The girl taking names was the one from the trip!I thought I recognized her, but I couldn't be sure, as it had been 3-4 years since I had seen her. But she did for sure recognize me, and she said"Hey, we should meet for lunch sometime! Let me get your email!" So I gave it to her, and I didn't think much about it till a few months later whenit just randomly popped into my head. I figured that she just forgot too. Fast forward a few months, and I am Facebook-stalking a friend [it is theonly sport I am capable of]. On the left side of that profile, I just happened to see the name of that same girl who I had re-met. I took the chancethat she would still remember my name and face, and added her as a friend. I guess the next day, she accepted that and sent me a message saying something like"Oh I am SO glad you added me! I lost your email and I looked for it everywhere but it didn't turn up and I had no way to contact you! We really need to settle alunch date!" So we finally got to meet. I almost missed her on the appointed date, because I hadnt seen her for months, and even then it wasn't really a time that I could be able to remember exactly what she looked like. In the end, we had an awesome chat. I was able to tell her about everything that had happenedin those 3-4 years, and she updated me on more of our team (1 got married and 2 more engaged! See?). We also discussed the fact that we had been going to the same 'youth meetings' that she and two of our teammates go to [more clarification, those 3 all went to the same church and so were friendsanyway, and fortunately all came to the same university!], so I was excited for the opportunity to re-connect with more of them too. The next week, I wentwith some friends of mine as usual, and was a bit paranoid of seeing them cause I kept turning around to see if I could identify them in the semi-darkness. Apparently they entered when I wasn't looking, cause randomly I looked to my left, and there those 3 were at the next table. I managed to catch the other girl's eye,and the first chance she got, she ran over and gave me a huge hug. We chatted for a bit, then we sorta ran out of things to say, then the first girl I found in the firstplace brought me to the 3rd member, who was also her boyfriend [they had been dating since the trip. Whoa.]. So it was awesome to see them all. Unfortunately, we didn't ever end up having another lunch, due to my stupidity, and I really regret that. Perhaps one next time I am in town...] END MASSIVE TANGENT

But now, those two are also engaged. Amazing. This one sort of blows my mind more that the one with the singer, because I knew these two when they were like 15 and 16, and nowthey are OLD... well not really, but you know. People are growing up and making milestones and I'm just sorta still here at home. Huge wake-up call. I don't know what posessed me, but I wanted to confirm how [not] tall I was. Since I was having such a hard time using the measuring tape, I decided to tape it to my bedroom walland sorta mark out my own 'ruler' on it. Shhhhh Mom will kill me. And it turns out I am like an inch shorter than I have thought all these years. I hope I did it wrong. I mustask a family member that isn't mad at me to help me confirm. ...that might be difficult for a few days. In Notepad, these entries don't seem THAT long, but I see that such a program is deceiving. Maybe that's why I am capable of so much babble. Oh well. But I have run out of things to say,so I will draw some more. I did another background last night, and I like it better than the first one. I wonder if they can even be used together. Ooh-hoo-hoo. Game?I don't know what tomorrow has in store, but I do know Mom promised to buy me a spring jacket. It has been years since I've owned one of those. Yay!

*vanish*

[Slight post-vanish... Shopping trip went well (my jacket is silver. Ha Ha.), but it's sad that just because Mom and I for once had a time together that was free ofarguing, she thinks she can be 'brutally honest' with me and tell me hurtful things. You know, the kind of things that 'good friends' are able to say freely? She doesn'tunderstand that we're just not there. The result of that was I got out my mp3 player as soon as I could and blasted Dragonforce into my poor abused eardrums to completely drown her out.Thanks, Mom. Time to draw.]

List of People Who Should Not Have Beards

2008-05-29T18:19:00.000-04:00

Yesterday after dinner, Sib and I somehow began discussing said topic. She insists I brought it up randomly, but I haveno recollection of such thing even though we tried to figure it out RIGHT after we finished our list. I must be insane.The list is as follows:
ME, Wick, Andrew [D], Brendan, Pez, Vic, ...and a few others that I don't think I should mention. If you don't know these mentioned, that is okay. It is just a funny list.The mental images are hilarious, no offence intended at all. For somehow it has become a bit of a joke between me and Em, and I have no idea why. We must be bored. Actually, I think it is the strange and impromptu moments like this that I like bestand will remember for a good long time--Especially now that it is all written down.

Funny how I didn't volunteer Em for that list, or any of our other female friends. I give them full permission to cultivatetheir facial hair. It will still sorta creep me out, but hey, I can't control everyone. Hehe. She wondered how I will be able to"prevent them from having fun with THAT", but I know what I will do. I will tape over beard potential. Do not dare contest me.Can you say 'energy'? I can.

And now... Happy Housework Day! This joyous festival comes around once a week, and each time I wonder what new and exciting discoveries will be made. Well really, I don't mind tooo much, unless Mom goes crazy with her list of thingsto clean. So, I took a break from cleaning my assigned task to relate this now-amusing occurance. I was cleaning the bathtub, andit was goin' all fine and dandy, until I put the plug in the drain and turned on the water to rinse the thing. To my surprise,I felt something from above. ...SOMEONE forgot to push in the thing that makes the water go to the showerhead (though usuallythat isn't a problem). I got wet. It was most unpleasant. I am going to kill ...erm... have a good long talk with whoeverdid that. The fiends. But now it's actually funny. Back to cleaning.

We ended up cleaning way more than I thought. The kitchen is Spotless. Everything was wiped and moved, and we figured out whythe microwave area was still smelling a bit smokey after my little... episode. Turns out the counter had some nasty burn marks. At least it went with the decor. But it is all clean and nice-smelling now.

Results of doctor's appointment? Wellll that is something I am not going to discuss, to see if anyone can notice a difference.Also, I think mom is trying to marry me off, or something equally weird that she would try. In the grocery store today we saw the sonof my mom's best friend. I thought it was him from the back, but she called out to him and talked a bit, but then we had to leave cause he was getting called at. But as soon as we were out of earshot, she was asking "Did you smile at him? Wave? Nod? Say hello?" "Mom, he didn't lookat me, but I did make some such motion." "Yes, he was looking at you, I saw him. You know, he is a nice boy-- I mean man now. He has alwaysbeen good. And he is looking for someone--" Well it is a good thing she got distracted right then because I don't want to know what was next.

Have I mentioned that my router is being dumb and timing out at inconvenient times? It is, and that's likely where I've disappeared to if I do. If I have to stealth, I let people know.

I guess this is as done as it's gonna be, I need to stop writing like my fingers are on steroids... or something.

"These are the Faces of Evil. You must conquer each!"

2008-05-28T17:22:00.000-04:00

Yeah, thanks Gwonam. So the computer switchy thing busted. It was as I had thought in the back of my mind;It won't work because of registered numbers or something like that with the router, to prevent stealing of net? I guess? I wish I knew more about it. And as for the webcam working, it seems the final answer isno, because "I don't want people looking in my house." "But it's people I know." "But I don't know them." Yeah thanks Dad. My next course of action is to experiment with my own computer-- how to install something on oneaccount without it appearing on the others. The software I have in mind is of course my webcam software, but as well, Audacity, so I can finally get back to recording lines for that game of Space_boy's (which my mom and youngest sister do not think are important, they do not support my attempts to want to fix the buzzing which prevents me from recording). Faces of Evil indeed.

I have to miss Band Camp. In my/our case, it is a gathering of all the Marching Band at someone's cottage for a weekend.I was fine until they switched the dates to Mom's graduation weekend. As proud as I am of her, I would have loved to see my MB crew for perhaps the last time ever, or at least for a long time. I get to be stuck at homefor her Open House, during which possibly up to 100 people will come barreling through my house, of whichI will have cleaned the majority of just because I am home all day. ...I hope that makes sense; I typed it all as it cameinto my head because I just thought about the magnitude of the thing. Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly hate housework,it's just that Mom is a neat-freak with quite a fair bit of control-freak mixed in there too. Unhappy mix. Yay clean.

[Should I be alarmed by the fact that I was so amused to observe that the km-age on Stylin' Van read 2296922 when I was picking Sib up from school?]

Orientation for my job is in 5 days. I didn't realize it was so close and so I had to count twice to be sure. Once becauseI am bad at math in the first place, and the second time because it is 12:47am. Then the next day is the parent/counselor banquet, or something like that. All I know is 'banquet'. And that means food. It also means a lot of information and possiblysocializing. Gack! Well at least it will give me something else to talk about.

Today I woke up with the same feeling I went to sleep with, the one of wanting to tear my left eye out because Of an eyeache.But this one isn't like most others, it's like a concentrated ring of ow right behind the socket. Another day with my 7-year-oldglasses. I have to remember to not leave the house with them. The fact that I again didn't sleep well might have had somethingto do with it. Asleep at 1, really weird dream [family camping in a small cabin that you had to canoe to get to, but therewere a whole bunch of weird cabins with weirder names there, and we somehow brought one of Sib and mine's pirate friends. Imust remember to tell her], awake at 3, then finally back to sleep and awake at 10. Woo.

I've also been watching too many shows like What Not to Wear. As much as I love watching others have their own success stories,I've decided it's time for me to get out there and try for my own. Especially now that I will finally be earning some money again,I will be able to go and buy clothes and things that help me feel more confident like I know I can be. I'm going to go get showeredand dressed and all that stuff and then head out and see what I can find. I might even try to put some make-up on. I have a sort of plan in mind, I just need to go and kick it into action. Complete turn around from previous paragraphs, yes.They were written 12 and 3 hours ago.

Today feels good. And my headache is gone.

I am back. AND SIB HAS BUSTED IN HERE AND CHAINED ME TO MY CHAIR!! I am not kidding. She took the belt loop of my jeans, pulled itthrough the back of my chair (which conveniently is in sort of bars), and attatched them with a combination lock. And I triedto turn around and free myself, but I have a strange issue with my ribs where I can't really swivel around the right way withoutthem hurting :S. She is standing behind me, watching me type this, and laughing LIKE AN EVIL LOSER MANIAC! And now she is poking meand calling me a jerk, right on cue as expected. I am gooooood. Now to get out of this. ...she left. Uhmmmmm MAN I need some heftylock cutters or something. Oh she is back.. and yay I am free. I have volunteered her into the Faces of Evil Club because sheis holding the back of my chair hostage with her stinky, awful toes. (I called them adorable before, because I know she hatesthat, but she said it was mean. So I switched it.) And as my 'punishment' I am attached to my chair AGAIN, and she is poking meand singing a taunting song. I see something wrong with this picture. Anyone else? HELP HELP I AM TOO TICKLISHHHH!!Dad was just in, he was kind enough to respond to my distress call. And he came in and laughed. But it was a happy laugh.I feel the love.

Also, the wireless router we have been using here is doing strange things. Yesterday and today it cuts randomly. The most unfortunate timesare when our parents aren't home, so we use both The Forbidden Computer and the normal one at the same time. But they are not hereto reconnect us when it does happen. Dad says he has no explanation, but it's almost like somehow they made it so that when we use theupstairs comp, it disconnects [dcs]. But I don't know if that's possible. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. It happened tonight when they wereboth out, and not 10 minutes after the door had shut we lost it. The connection that is, not our sanity, though that could have happened too.

Tomorrow is my follow-up doctor's appointment, so I had better get some sleep.

Things are Looking Up

2008-05-27T17:53:00.000-04:00

Check it, yo. I am so cool that I am already starting another entry and it's only right after lunch. Well not really, I just need something to do.There was no internet this morning, but it was less of a disappointment than I thought. Eh.And I even forced myself up earlier than I would have liked to get up to check, too. So out comes the DS and on goes the TV, yes, at the same time.But only after the dishwasher, of course. And then my sisters came home for lunch. Oddly enough, Mom didn't. And she still isn't home. After my youngest sister left,my other sister and I spent the majority of the rest of the time discussing rather passionately that magazine thing, as well as the stupidity of that timed firewall. I hope Sib is home before I mention the magazine to Mom; I want her to be able to hear what happens, because that is part of our whole may-as-well-be-twins-cause-we-can-read-each-others'-minds-anyway thing.

So since Mom didn't come home when expected, my oldest-youngest sister [one day I guess she will get a name :D] and I acted on the idea I had of switching the computer towers. Mine upstairs, the one that can use the webcam, with the one down here with a possible internet connection. Last time it didn't work because I had no one to reconnect me, but this time I hope that when I am connected it will work juuuust fine. Cause if it doesn't, we will have to employ our stealthiest of stealthmodes and try to switch them backwithout being questioned. The other obstacle is other-sister, I hope she understands. And this way, Siblings can type up their homework without using up valuable internet time.How fun to have a plot again. Go teamwork.

Not too much else has happened yet, it's only early-afternoon. But I just have to remember to pick up Sib from school.

Stealthmode Activate! Part One Out.

Part Two Begin! .. it is now 6pm.

I am sure proud of my Stylin' Blue Van-- it will be 12 in the second week of August-- and my classical music station. It doesn't have a CD player, and I own no tapes, so that is my choice. Don't be a hater. It's not my van, but it is like an old pet. And we only know how old it is because it is two weeks older than my youngest sister. Too bad it is about to die. We named it and everything. (Stylin' Van isn't the 'official' name, that's just what I call it. We also call it Wuzza.)

There is a family of birds that lives around our backyard. We haven't found the nest, but we did see scraps of nesting material around. We call the male bird Pudgy Robin, since he is robust and proud of it, and now we call his son (daughter?) Robeo-- like Romeo + Robin. I forget how we came up with it, but there it is. And I think we unofficially call the mother Staravia. If you know what that is from, then cool. If not, don't worry. It wasn't my idea, heh. I hope they stick around, it was so cute watching them feed Robeo for hours yesterday. He was perched on our deck's railing.

My DS is breaking, it has been for a while now. The side with the lights is cracking so that every time I open and shut it, the cracked part pulls. Sooo a few days ago I taped it. Now it must remain open. Please don't die, you were my ticket to Marching Band's DS Club! ...

End of random, I am glad to still be in a happy mood.

[Oh oh I forgot... I brought up the magazine thing, and she said those markers were for her. And that she wasn't implying anything. I don't know what to believe. Oh Mother.]

"It's dark, can someone please turn on a light?"

2008-05-27T02:40:00.000-04:00

It's unfortunate really: Throughout the day I can think of so many things that I want to include in here, but by the time I get to actually document it, my thoughts have poofed away. Not to mention all the distractions brought about by MSN, Stickam and Puzzle Pirates (I told you, I am a nerd.).I decided it is best to type this stuff up here, on my own [internet-less] computer. Free of distractions. Unless I bust out my DS. But enough of that.

Out of all the 'internet names' I have, I decided to go with this one. Don't get any wrong ideas here. I am not some crazy psycho who makes up personalities and a whole bunch of different names because I am creepy, I guess it's just that the other one I had in mind to use is 1) Used too often so it's more recognizable [and then this wouldn't feel as 'secluded and private' as it should. 2) I wouldn't want this to be mistaken for someone else.That would be problematic. So, Sylvr it is. I've only really been using it recently, and it's really grown on me. Dunno why, I just like it. Catchy. Makes for some good acronyms too.

Today was most unfulfilling. I don't even remember what I did. Let's see... roughly an hour long breakfast to start, but I wasn't eating the whole time. That is... gross. No, I was conversing and reading and playing AND eating. Multitasking always. And then my house was empty so I went upstairs to The Forbidden Computer to see if my mother had left the internet on. Foolishly, she had. But I didn't have much time before she came back home. I hate that timed firewall. I can't help it that I don't have anyone to go call. Literally. So most days I am just stuck at home with my electronics. Lonely yes, but I've gotten used to it.Anyway, my sisters came home from their schools soon after and we all had lunch together. Amazingly there was no strife or angst, as usually happens when I spend any length of time with my mom. It was a pleasant meal.I got some more 'net time again, and this was a little less boring, but overall still so empty-feeling.

Every day it is the same, just wishing that my days were filled with more than gaming and waiting for my turn on the firewall-free computer. It feels so futile, because I don't even know what I want to go to school for anymore next year. Dropping out of my music program hit me really hard; I have really wanted to do that for years. All I have ever been able to see myself doing was teaching high school music.I had even started getting experience, too. I was once asked to teach a full morning of Grade 9 instrumental music because the supply was 'non-musical'. What an interesting day that was. In the end it was fine, but it was difficult. I also did a co-op in my old elementary music room; teaching instruments, assigning test marks, and one-on-one lessons. I know I have teaching talent, but since music is out I don't know what I can do with it now.As some people know, I was planning on going for Computer Science to college [phase 2 of post-secondary seems so discouraging],but now mom is informing me that I need math for that. I cannot do math. It hates me. Ever since grade 4. So many other options, so little attention and.. well.. motivation. Vicious circle.

I just ponder what it would be like to have a direction in life, it seems so far away since I had one.If this is sounding really self-pitying to you, well I guess it is. I don't like it, but it's the attitude I've had for a long time now, since I knew my year wasn't going to turn out well.Neither does it help that my social skills are severely lacking. Because of years of bullying in elementary school, I suppose I didn't develop the normal set of 'real-life' interaction skills that everyone else did. On-line, I am fine. But put me in a room with people I do not know, especially young teens and adults, and I am completely paralyzed and scared. I am afraid to speak, move, and interact for fear of being criticized. And I have always been associated with the age group younger than me, or completely rejected by the whole 'youth population' (the two churches I have been to throughout my life are the examples that come to mind).In general, I've always done better and been able to identify more with those younger than me. This current church, I am the only one my age, with 2 girls a year younger than me, and most of the others are 15.There are about 7-9 of us in the group total. I love how that is, I am completely comfortable with them. But then I think about the age gap between me and them, and wish I felt comfortable around my own age.Or comfortable in general. As much as I would love to break out of that, it's too frightening, and the repeated rejection by different groups my age is certainly no help.

Oh Mother. She is bound to show up here a lot. Not as a reader (I hope), but as a topic. It's not that I hate her, she is just very stubborn and has a nasty case of 'tunnel vision', as her parents described it. Lately she has been calling me fat. Never directly, so she can't get 'in trouble'. She did it in a grocery store near the salad dressing, and tonight she has placed a magazine on my bed with a few placemarkers sticking out.One is for clothes, which I had been talking about a lot lately, but the other is inbetween pages that talk about being 'un-fit' and how important exercise is. There is even a thing about 'ideal waist size'. I do not like the implications. Some may call me too sensitive-- I know I am sometimes-- but I don't think this is an accident. I don't know what to do with it at the moment.

Mmmmmm... what time is it? I keep looking at my wrist for my watch that is always there, but I have acquired a case of 'wrist leprosy' so I can't wear it. Computer clock. Right. 10:51pm. Funny how that is late for my house, but I know that 'everyone else' is still alive, alert, awake, enthusiastic. My house shuts down at 9, and the firewall kicks in. Oh, I don't mean to rant like this. Really. I feel sorry for those poor people who have been subjected to it; it is partially why I have started this, so that they don't have to put up with me [as much] any more.Once I get going, there is just so much that I can say, so much that I wish was different. But I guess that is enough for one day, I have to have something else to talk about later, right? Oh, I have things, but I must wait to see how they turn out. I hope I do not forget what they are; I have a tendency of doing that.

I suppose I will continue with my routine-- a few hours with my DS [Harvest Moon, no less], oh mind-numby-goodness, and then bed. At least if my own life is not sucessful, I can make someone else's so.

Goodnight.

Introduction to Me

2008-05-26T16:46:00.000-04:00

I guess that since this is my first entry, I should describe myself a bit.

I am turning 20 in December, I have 2 younger sisters and I live with both parents. I just finished a year at university for music. I have been recently diagnosed with ADD, and it has been interesting, I don't think these meds are doing so much for me. More on that later. Maybe. [If you are one of those people who contest the existance of ADD, I don't want to hear it.]

I am also a gaming nerd... Nintendo systems and on the computer. Lately I've gotten back into Harvest Moon (2 for GameCube and one for DS), and I like to fiddle around with an adventure game-making program called AGS. But I don't have any game ideas yet. Working on it... sorta.

As soon as I can, I am gonna move out of my house. Gotta end this, food time. What a crappy introduction, but this is what I get for the amount of time I have on here. Mayhaps I will fix it later.